A very tired vent
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 05-22-2005 - 4:46pm |
Hello all. Brief history - I was involved in an EMA for about 2 years with a MM. Eventually I made a decision to end the A and rebuild my M and its been absolutely wonderful (well, there have been some minor bumps in the road, but you know...). Every once in a while, my XMM contacts me out of the blue. Always by text message to my phone. Yes, I know I could change my cell phone number, but what a hassle - all my kids' schools, doctors, therapists, etc., have it and right now I'm living in temporary quarters while we do a major renovation of our home.
So anyhows, XMM shoots one out to me Friday night saying that he's in some kind of trouble. Well, in my profession it's not uncommon for people to call me at odd hours because they're in trouble and need my help. There are also some other personal areas where I have some experience and would consider myself a good person to call in an emergency (sorry to be so vague). So when he sent me a text message saying that he was in trouble, rather than deleting it like I should have, I bit and texted him back asking what was up. In all honesty, at this point my concern was that he wasn't in any legal trouble or anything like that, even though I'm not niave enough to believe that I'm the ONLY attorney he could have called.
Well to summarize an exchange of several dozen text messages, he basically contacted me because his "trouble" is that his wife just found out about his NEW OW and she's pissed (gee, ya' think?) and the new OW wants him to move in and he's not sure he's ready to take that step and he wanted to talk it over with me because I ultimately made the decision to dump him and stay with my DH. He thought I could shed some light on my thought process and it would help him make a decision.
OK. So I'm really stupid. First, I guess I believed this story - although I will take some credit for questioning why it the world it seemed like a good idea to hash over his current love life with his ex-AP. Gotta wonder about that judgment. I was at an AA meeting yesterday after this exchange of text messages and I shared about this incident because today I'm trying to live a right and spiritual life, and every single person who talked to me about it after the meeting, particularly the men, couldn't believe that I fell for this story. They felt pretty sure that he was lying, as usual, and using any problems he may in fact have in his personal life as an excuse to communicate with me. In fact, in one of his messages he told me he still loved me.
So today I feel really incredibly stupid. I told DH all about our exchange and he, like everyone else, was surprised (and annoyed) that I fell for this ruse.
Why, why, why, a year and a half later is he STILL trying to manipulate me into having contact with him and why am I so stupid???? He KNEW I would worry once he told me he was "in trouble," and that I'd probably assume it was a legal matter.
Lesson to be learned here: no contact is totally essential, no matter what the circumstances. This man is a liar and a cheat and cannot be trusted for anything.
I'm worn out from trying to keep up with his tactics. Love, Mo.


Pages
MO
HIM: NARCISSIT and they NEVER EVER except rejection from a woman they have beded.
Change the F2#$&g Number and deal with the hassles STOP MAKING EXCUSES for ALLOWING him to contact you.
Sorry nasty and short but this continues because you want it to or you would bite the bullit and do anything you have to to stop it.
Did you really fall for his TRICK or just take advantage of it.
Free
Edited 5/22/2005 5:03 pm ET ET by mfreenow
Hey Free: we can always count on your for a good dose of exactly what we need in these situations - a kick in the you-know-what. Well deserved.
Did I really fall for this trick? Yeah, I did. I really thought he might have had a legal problem and needed either my help or a referral to another attorney with a different specialty. Did I use the situation to my advantage? Quite honestly, I was curious what the heck he's been up to. I gathered that he'd moved out of his house and I wondered where he was living, etc. Is this any of my business?? Absolutely not. Why do I care???? I have no freakin' idea.
The best I can come up with is that he and I were very deeply involved with each other. This is a pattern that I see in many other areas of my life, with other people I was involved with. And here, I include mostly women. Women friends from high school or college or law school that I've lost touch with could call me tomorrow and ask for a ridiculously burdensome favor, and I'd probably do it. I have serious boundary issues. Well, basically I have none. No boundaries.
I'm unable to say "no," to almost anyone in almost any situation. Your problems are my problems. I will do whatever I can to help you - even at my own peril. Makes me a decent enough lawyer, but a very crazy person to be involved with.
Free, I am disgusted with myself for falling for his bull, but more concerned that this is an area I see causing unmanageability all over my life. It's not just him. Any other person could have contacted me under the same circumstances, and I would have responded the same way - even knowing it wasn't good for me to be in the situation.
Obviously, this is something I need to address in greater detail in IC - although we've been through it a bunch of times. I was just recently in a tailspin over a situation with a woman in my community who trampled all over my boundaries and caused me pain. And of course i let her.
Make no mistake - I'm not in anyway defending my actions. I just needed to vent, mostly about my own bad judgment - bad judgment that I unfortunately use over and over in many other situations.
Thanks for your input. Love, Mo.
welp..i'd try and turn this situation into a positive for you...(not much else to do)..and see it as CONFIRMATION that he is a shmuck (hate it when they call us to talk about their new relationships...the ultimate selfish abuse)
NOW you know you can change your number or completely ignore him for ever.
I had my stupid moment too. We all have our last straw. Some need to feel the stupidity and shame of their gullibility or curiosity. Others have Free.
LOLOL love ya Free..take that as a compliment.
Lizzie
I only kick those that I see as being worth the effort, I don't break a sweat for just anyone ya know.
Were there is a serious lack of boundaries there is often a serious lack of self-esteem, common with people who have a history of substance abuse. (Like Me)
But on the bright side it is the difficult things in life that mature us and create character, WE LEARN MORE FROM TEARS THEN WE DO LAUGHTER.
Be Well
Free
~Mo~
Honey, listen. This man is lower than pond scum and not worth even one of your precious seconds. It's time to trash that cell phone number once and for all. I couldn't tell you how many new numbers I've gotten over the years from moving, and/or just running away. ;)
Hey Lizzie, you've got one of these too? An XMM who called to complain about his newest adventures???? Yes indeed, it is confirmation that the man is "pond scum," or lower. Thanks so much for your support.
I knew when I tossed this out here, while I was typing it, that Free would be all over my sh*t about it, but I knew I needed a dose of butt-kicking reality. I can't believe my inability to establish boundaries with this man, but he's making it easier and easier. Thanks. Love, Mo.
(((I only kick those that I see as being worth the effort, I don't break a sweat for just anyone ya know.)))
Aw, Free, shucks, thanks.
(((Were there is a serious lack of boundaries there is often a serious lack of self-esteem, common with people who have a history of substance abuse. (Like Me))))
Not to get too personal here, Free, but are you in recovery as well?? I've been talking this up and down with my sponsor (I got with her last night) and working that 3rd step over and over here.
As far as the lack of boundaries, I grew up in a family with a collective dynamic that we were all so "less than" that we believed we were lucky if ANYONE would have us. My DH, for example, is a powerhouse at what he does for a living. He really believes that any company is LUCKY to have him running it. Me, on the other hand, I've felt very grateful to every law firm that would consider having me on its letterhead, even though I'm no slouchy attorney.
I know you got this, Free, but my problem isn't just with XMM - it's across the board. I'm now working closely with my sponsor and T to address this, get to the exact nature, and put it behind me. Although at this point my sponsor is asking me to stop trying to figure out why and just be sure to take some action to protect myself.
Thanks again, Free. Love, Mo.
Dear id:
(((This man is lower than pond scum))). I LOVE this. It's going to be my new mantra.
As I've been explaining in this thread, this is a problem I suffer from across the board. I am unable to distinguish the threats coming at me, if you know what I mean. Anyone could have sent me that text message and I would have responded in exactly the same way. I cannot draw boundaries, and I cannot distinguish those people from whom I REALLY need to protect myself from those I can trust.
Obviously, this goes way back into my childhood (HA! I've found a way to blame my dysfunctional parents for my affair!!! LOL). I have some wonderful people in my life - close friends, other folks in recovery - that would do anything for me. Yet, for some reason, I will give "pond scum" like XMM the same consideration as I would these loving and caring folks. And at the end of the day, I find myself worn out from jumping thru hoops for my clients, my kids, other recovering addicts, and anyone else who happens to reach out to me for help. But I cannot discriminate between who gets my attention: i.e. on any given day, XMM is just as likely to drain my energy as is my handicapped DS or a client who has paid me good money to drain my energy.
I've got some work to do, id. Thanks for your reply and giving me a new mantra. Love, Mo.
((((Mo)))
<<<>>
Anytime dear lady. I have a few more in my "Top 10 loser list" so if you wear this one out, give me a holler ;)
Hugs,
Since hubby knows about the former AP, have you given any thought to having Hubby return the call to xMM and tell xMM to call a different lawyer from now on or hubby's next call will be to xMM's
Pages