The W keeps contacting me
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| Thu, 01-13-2005 - 12:26pm |
I know that by having and A with someone in my own circle of friends was really dumb......but now that it is ended I am faced with dealing with xMM wife calling me to do things alot more.
She called me at home last night just to say hello and to see what plans I had for the coming weekend.
I asked if she was doing better than last week, and she said some things that really got me upset - again.
She said that she and her H have been sleeping in the same bed now for a month - but no IC.
But - for the last 2 nights they held hands while they went to sleep.
My stomach dropped and I felt dizzy and all the pain came crashing back - He said that he was unhappy -
Am I making too much of this?
She also said that he was upset with her because she has cocktail functions after work - and they are work related.......reps from the company she works for are in town for the week and dinner and drinks are part of the job. she said that he said that he wants her not to go out with these guys and pouted.
So she said she only had 2 drinks and was on her way home with dinner. She did not want to make him mad.
I was thinking that that was his guilt feelings - he cheated and now he thinks she will.
Sounds to me like he wants to work on his Marriage - not at all what he tells me and some of our other friends.
She said that she was thinking that the handholding while going to sleep was a sign that things were going to work out.
I did not sleep at all last night - I could not get the thoughts of WHY out of my head.

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Hiya Anna,
If you have caller id or even just an answerphone, you never have to answer the phone to anyone to whom you do not wish to speak. If you didn't want to take xMM's wife's calls, you wouldn't take the calls regardless of whether she's your friend.
You kinda lose the right to complain about being called by xMM's wife when you're actually pumping her for information about the state of their relationship...
Sorry, no sympathy, Anna.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
My H answered the phone in the other room and came to me and handed me the phone -
I did not pump her for info.......
Any thing about them working on their marriage causes me more pain -
I know already that he went home -
I already know that that is always what he wanted - to have someone make him feel better - but go back to his wife.
she has no real friends even in the circle.
Any time I ever spoke to her in the past, I feel more and more terrible.
I would have rather lived in a fantasy after the A - and had NC - and thought that he would hold me someplace in his heart forever -
And I could have at least thought that he cared more but respected his decision.
Look - I have tried to avoid her - and I dont answer the phone if I see "their number".
I caused my own pain - this I know - I feel that she "knows" and is playing devils advocate and pouring salt in my wounds.
I dont want sympathy and was only venting.
If I cant vent here - where then
I agree, leave well alone and don't invite the pain that will come with the answers to anything you ask. Don't torture yourself.
Does she know about the A, let alone you're the OW? I doubt the latter certainly. For your own closure you need to limit if not totally avoid her unless that would raise questions in her mind as to why your 'friendship' has altered.
MS
A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.

MSHiya Anna,
<<< did not pump her for info.......>>>
Uh huh, well, with the details you provided, it's not as if you changed the subject or explained that you really had some task or other to complete. Instead, you allowed xMM's wife to spill her guts to you about the state of her marriage thinking she was talking to a friend rather than the one who's actually been doing her best to destroy her marriage...
If she's not your friend, have you asked her why she's phoning you? Have you tried explaining that your husbands are friends and that you do not feel comfortable discussing such personal matters as the most intimate details of her marriage?
You've used her and are unhappy with the information she did provide since it is contrary to what you want, which is effectively her husband.
I guess if you're still moving to New York then none of this will be a problem... Don't give her your number there and you won't hear from her. Of course, you won't have the details of her & xMM's marriage straight from the horse's mouth, either...
As hard & as much as you try, you can only ever control your *own* actions, Anna.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Oh boy -
xMM is one of my H's best friends and has been in this circle of friends for over 15 years.
All of us and our spouses do everything together.
xMM and I left our spouses to pursue amicable divorces this spring - we had a secret A for 4 months and rented a house. We lived together for 3 months.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much drama from his W - showing up, me having to hide, call and hang ups, hours of screaming from her.....
We ended the A.
She suspected me - but had no real proof.
He is home - working on or not working on the marriage - dont really know the whole truth.
He calls every two weeks crying. sometimes thats all I hear on my voice mail. Sometimes the classic's = miss you, bla bla
I know he cares - but he is confused.
Hiya Anna,
<<>>
I seriously doubt he's the one who is confused, Anna, he seems pretty clear that he wants to be with his wife.
Anyone who pets you on the head like a poodle has no respect for you.
At MOST he's feeding off the ego-strokes you provide by being openly desperate for him.
In agreeing to keep your affair a secret in your rented house, you told him you agreed that whatever you had was not worth bringing out into the light of day. If it was going to happen, it would have happened then and neither of you believed what you had was worth going public with it. The possibility of hurting your husband & his wife AND losing the precious friendships in your circle was more important than taking any steps towards being together in any real, permanent way.
The A was over then, you just never realised it.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Sorry about being so blunt but gee get over this already you said you wanted too. Actions are louder than words. I will probably get blasted but that is okay I only post every now & then.
healed because I am healed..........7months NC and that means nothing.
Dear Karena:
I know you will get to where you need to be in your own time. You are already making huge strides in your perception of the situation. Actions are the only thing that matters. Read my posts about what xMM still says to me after 15 months since the A ended. They are only words. He doesn't move one footstep away from his M no matter how unhappy he professes to still be.
He also said in his vm that MC was a failure. He went to MC once a week with his W for 18 months (if by saying WAS, means he has now stopped going) Well, MC may have been a failure, but he is still M and has no plans not to be. He is just missing having his cake and eating it too.
He won't say it, but he would like me to continue to COMFORT HIM and make HIM FEEL GOOD while he stays in his M. He knows that I won't do that anymore and he is trying desperately to figure out a way around it. If you really do follow through with a D like I did, you will really not be willing to wait around for crumbs from xMM when you could have a REAL relationship.
I know a woman who is 60 yrs old and has been in an on again off again A for 20 years well you know every night she goes home ALONE. I am 42. It would be Stupid of me to waste this time when I am getting older pining for xMM and accepting his crumbs. Stupid. I have to protect myself. I have to be smart and take care of me. I don't care how much I love xMM and wish he had chosen me, I have to keep going on and NOT LOOK BACK.
Survive
Anna,
Please vent anytime you want. I know that I am a complete idiot for getting involved with a friend's husband. She knows about me now and we are no longer friends. But anyway, please scream/yell/laugh/cry...whatever you want on here. We will always listen!
Kelly
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