To wait or not to wait? Need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2010
To wait or not to wait? Need advice
5
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 2:39pm
Deleted


Edited 8/25/2010 6:56 pm ET by sun_shine0303
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 4:03pm

Hi, Sunshine-
Wow, there is not much worse than being in limbo as you described. I hope that you will miraculously be able to just forget about the November date and take this time to focus on YOU, not your A or the potential or lack of potential therein. If you are really heading for a divorce, then boy-howdy!! do you ever have a lot on your plate to deal with. You and your family deserve your undivided attention during this difficult time. What happens in the next few months, should you be moving forward with an actual divorce, will set the stage for your future; you certainly don't want to half-a$$ your consideration of it. And, who knows? Maybe time away from AP will give you new insight to your M and perhaps you'll decide to reinvest in your relationship with your H. Many here have said that D was looming during the A, only to thank their lucky stars they didn't make that mistake once the insidious influence of the affair is gone.

You asked how you could let go of the A when things were left so open, and that you still hold out hope that there is a chance for you. 1) I think your AP is long gone, and 2) if he's not, after three months of you working on yourself and having a little clarity under your belt, you'd WISH he were long gone. I bet you $5, you'll be so over him... so over this A... so ready to be healthy, live with integrity, and ready for a new beginning that you'll not want anything to do with that dude. At the very least give yourself the chance for that to happen - what say you?

If it helps at all, I had a three month re-connect date with MY xAP, too. Yep. btdt.

I wish you the best in making a future for yourself that will bring you peace and happiness.

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 6:05pm

Hi SS,


Welcome to EAS. A quick question before I can give a full answer to your post.


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What website did you meet him on?


Big hugs,


E1


Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2010
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 6:12pm
We had know one another since we were in high school and reconnected on fb.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 7:24pm

Thanks that info helps.


A few more questions. How old is your xAP? Has he ever been M? Does he have and kids? How long has he been with his current GF?


I don’t think you should put a lot of faith into what your xAP is or is not going to do. If you did hear from him down the road, it would probably be because he thought enough time had gone by for his GF to not be suspicious and would want to resume the A with you. The she won’t let go and wants to work it out speech. I just need some more time but I don’t want to lose you…yadda…yadda…ad nuseum. Gosh we should have that added to the MM Handbook thread here.


Who knows he might have come up with the six month time line after the last D-day because his GF told him that is how long he has to prove to her that he has changed. If he can prove to her in 6 months that he has changed, then he can just tell you sorry or not contact you at all. If in six months she kicks him to the curb, then he has you waiting in the wings. Sounds like a win, win for him. Point is you don’t know what is going on between him and his GF other than he does not want you to contact him for six months. You cannot make any decisions in your life based on what xAP may or may not do. You are probably starting to see the flaws in the thinking that you should give up something in your life in hopes he does the same.


Now enough about him and more importantly on to you.


<>


Does your H know that you plan on ending the M? Have you contacted a lawyer? If there are kids involved have you talked to a lawyer about custody and the laws in your state? Have you filed for a D?


Until you have actually done something to end your M or to move towards the ending, then you are just in the thinking stage.


BTW I had a lot of plans while in my A about my M and about the direction of my life. Would it surprises you that none of those plans came to fruition?


My suggestion is to stay NC. Figure out if your M has a chance. If there is any abuse (physical/emotional), involved then there is no figuring it should end.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2010
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 8:19pm

Thanks you so much for your reply.

To answer your questions:

He has been married before, one time, divorced in 2008, and has one child.
He has known is current GF for many years, they were friends first and it turned into more over time.
He has said that his GF is very close to his child, so I know that's a big factor in why he stays.
He wasn't very honest with me about their relationship in the beginning. For instance, he would tell me that she's more of a best friend than a girlfriend, that they aren't intimate with one another and that he really doesn't want to be with her. I get the feeling that it's more of a convenience factor for him, financially and regarding his daughter.
I do not know if she is aware of how much he doesn't want to be with her.

I do know that after the first bought of drama ended and I finally made contact by email to apologize (I felt the urge to since I was the one to abruptly cut him off after his GF found out) that he was very eager to see me again, all up until she caught wind of us talking to one another again, and then the decision was made to go
NC for awhile.

Maybe things just got too intense for him and he had no other choice.
In his words, he said, "We only have one chance to get this right, and I don't want to screw it up"
He said, "we can't be cake eaters anymore, this will be very hard, but we have to do it"
It's confusing because he was always so eager to talk and meet and then, to go from that to nothing, is well.... Weird.

Anyway, regarding my H... I have not actively done anything as of yet due to many factors, but will in the near future. I think this is something he wants too and we have discussed it. It would take me forever to get into detail, but it's just not a happy home and I don't for see it ever being that way again.

Thanks again for your reply. I hope I answered all of your questions.

And I agree that I need to just move on and not dwell on the 'if's', but it's so hard, because I do miss him and think of him often.




Edited 8/24/2010 8:22 pm ET by sun_shine0303