Waking up Angry

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2010
Waking up Angry
3
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 3:53am

Today I woke up angry.



I have struggled since ending

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 6:36am

Katie,



Anger and I got to know one another pretty dang well after I ended my A. I remember those mornings waking up angry and sometimes it would shadow me for days at a time. It took a long time before I realized that it was misdirected and should not have been at Xmm. I was angry over my own shortcomings, why I let the A happen, why I

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 9:36am

Looks like the Education of Katie has taken a good turn, in that you're learning a lot about yourself right now. I'm sorry to hear that you're delayed in finishing your program, though.

You and I share some aspects of our endings. It was ended before I was truly to the 'enough' stage, but without a Dday. And, like you, I had no anger or animosity towards my xAP, and nothing in that vein to propel me. I did, like you are doing, have waves of anger - but I quickly realized that the anger was misplaced and I reappropriated those feelings to their rightful place (on me) soon enough. Once the the shock and withdrawal of the ending subsided, I found my life was much more peaceful and worthwhile out of the A than in it; reason enough to stay out - more than any anger could provide.

It sounds like even with your momentary angry feelings, you are really on the right track and I was uplifted by your obvious grasp on your feelings and motivations. You're doing really well, and that's great to read.

Keep up the good work staying engaged in RL and in the investment in your better future.

Best,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2010
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 3:42am

Thank you both



I have read the stages of grief. I know one fluctuates between steps often, but in this healing process I don't feel like I really know where I am.



There is part of me that feels a bit like I've done this before. And I have. After 1 year EA i broke it off, intiated NC, did have a dday w/ H afterwards, did counseling, rebuilt marriage. The me of three years ago thought I had reached Indifference. I thought I had perspective. Could see everything I've learned and how I'd grown.



BUT...



2 years ago when I felt a high anxiety after returning to school, it was daydreams of xAP I found solace in, then contacting him, and then a full blown 2 year A.



So obviously not everything with me personally had been dealt with.



Now I find myself 3 mos out of the A. NC for 3mos. In IC and MC, rebuilding w/ H and yet I