walking through it

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
walking through it
2
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 10:12am

As the days go by I feel my grip loosening on my attachment to the A. I'm sort of in the in between where I still feel myself holding on a bit to the dreams, the fantasies, the hopes I had that he would show me that he cares... yet I am beginning to feel a peace as I continue NC and walk forward into a life that is a little less dramatic. I haven't felt my stomach churn in a while from the raging emotions. My head has had more space in it to actually think other thoughts. I am starting to realize just how much of a fantasy land I have been living in, all in order to not actually LOOK at my life and it's emptiness right now. An emptiness that I allowed to happen. I can still feel myself try to crawl back into fantasy land when things get to REAL, but at least now I am aware that I am doing this and I know where my weakness is. It isn't like I can repair everything over night but as I come back into contact with who I am and what I want... I feel more stable. I truly am starting to see how badly I wanted xMM to fix me, to solve my problems, to "save" me. That was never supposed to be his job. It is MY job! I am

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 10:21am

Yay!

You are thinking through things just like I do.

<<<>>>

Recognizing it is a big part of the battle. I wanted XAP to fix me too. And each day I realize more and more that not only did he NOT do anything to fix me, he made everything in my life harder. Keep walking - I've got my boots laced up tight to walk with you :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 1:47pm

And each day I realize more and more that not only did he NOT do anything to fix me, he made everything in my life harder.


Right on! Actually he made the pressure I already put on myself to be perfect that much heavier because he wanted perfection from his OW. I wasn't allowed to have a bad day, bad mood, or weak moment. Not only did he not fix me, but he was also leaning all his weight on me... the weight of the life he leads and can't figure out or pull together. So instead of getting fixed, I literally broke in pieces. And when that happened I was told "I have to much on my plate I can't handle everything plus you." :(


Keep walking - I've got my boots laced up tight to walk with you :)


Thanks Bodhi, that made me smile! Our journey is different from the M enders. We don't need to repair a family or a marriage... we need to repair ourselves. It's scary how much I quit on me and handed over parts of myself to him. I didn't realize I was wimping out so much on making my own decisions and being strong of mind. Lot of work to do in this area. And I am actually a very independent woman so I'm not sure why this happened at all. Lots of questions to answer.


So lets just keep walking. :) (hiking is actually one of my favorite things to do... especially in the fall, can't wait for fall!)