Want him out of my head

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2009
Want him out of my head
9
Mon, 10-05-2009 - 1:12am
I am 52 days no contact. I have been lurking for awhile and have hesitated to share my story because of who I had an emotional affair (some physical) with. He is my husband's sister's husband (my brother in law). I know horrific. I think the only reason I did not give into sleeping with him is because of who he is. Looking back I think he had been for a lack of a better word grooming me for a decade. I say this all the while taking full responsibility for what I have done. But I see him in a different light now that the fog has lifted I think he is a predator and a narcissist. He always paid me alot of attention and made me feel special and did not pay anyone else in the family attention. I thought it was because he thought I was special but the truth is he was trying to get attention from me and doesn't care about anyone but himself. Now looking back when I thought he was being charming and flirty he was trying to make a move. Finally after about 12 years I was vulnerable, lonely and being verbally abused in my marriage and his attention hit me for the first time like a ton of bricks. I felt like a heroin addict that took their first hit and was hooked the first time. I tried breaking up with him multiple times and I started to see a T. I could be strong enough to not contact him but if he contacted me I couldn't resist. He finally ended it 52 days ago and that is when I found this site. I guess I'm still struggling because I know that I will have to see him for the rest of my life even if it is only 5 times a year. the time leading up to it gives me anxiety, I will have to see him next month. I do love my DH and he is a good man, we are in MC now and things are moving slowly I think because although I am at peace now that the A is over this guy/the situation is still consuming alot of my thoughts. I have been checking his social networking site out of curiousity and maybe that is what is slowing my healing and recovering. I have decided to layoff the site for awhile. I don't know what else to do. I am not devastated anymore I am just impatient to get this guy out of my head once and for all. Any suggestions or words of encouragement, I don't think anyone has had an affair with someone in the family but would this be considered somewhat LC?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 10-05-2009 - 10:14am

Hi Classy :)


Yeah, nothing will keep someone in your head like constantly inviting them into your head.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2009
Mon, 10-05-2009 - 8:22pm
Thank you so much for your response clarity, I thought I was doing pretty good and then I checked his site and saw photos of a party and it was a major setback. When the affair was going on and after, I really thought I was in love with him and for a time he was in love with me. He told me he was, he told me we would eventually be together, married etc, nonsense. Like I said he has been my BIL (husband's sister's husband) for 12 years and the EA/some physical, was only for about 6 months. It was not until I got on this site did it become very clear to me that it was all false and its just like every other. I was printing the articles, praying, seeing T, getting along better w/ husband and I think I sabotaged myself by looking at the site. I tortured myself, I won't do it again. I'm just so sad right now. I want to have no feelings for him or the dream at all. I have come along way, 55 days NC, I printed out affirmations and obssessive thinking articles they are great. I am so inspired by all the women here and I think if they can do I can too. From those of you that have been there approximately how long will it take to get to indifference, keeping in mind I will have to see him a few times a year. I just do better with setting out goals for myself, right now I feel lost in space
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 10-06-2009 - 12:19am

Hi Classy :)


I'm glad you printed those out so you can have them at the ready.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2009
Tue, 10-06-2009 - 9:47am

It has taken me a long time (it certainly seems like a long time)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2009
Wed, 10-07-2009 - 12:04am
Thanks Moms, I have been doing things that have set me back, I have also been doing things to help me get over this. but its like running a marathon and then smoking a cigarette. Why would I put so much energy into trying to be healthy and then just do more to hurt myself. I didn't realize the power just seeing a new picture of him on his site would do to me. I have gone thru such range of emotions that last few days. A lot of anger towards him and confusion of why someone so empty and narcisistic have such a pull over me. I just can't get comfortable and think I can handle something when I can't. I have to be vigilant. This situation is not bigger than me. We can overcome this. It is just hard right now sometimes I feel like I'm completely over him and just have regret for the situation and grateful no D day and afraid of a possible one in the future and other times I think is he over me?, does he think of me?. That thinking is what I need to rid from my mind and my life. We can do this together, he was a shell of a man,he was never there for me, lets be there for each other.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2009
Wed, 10-07-2009 - 9:47am

"It is just hard right now sometimes I feel like I'm completely over him and just have regret for the situation and grateful no D day and afraid of a possible one in the future and other times I think is he over me?, does he think of me?. That thinking is what I need to rid from my mind and my life. We can do this together, he was a shell of a man,he was never there for me, lets be there for each other."


A couple of months ago those sentences could have been

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 10-07-2009 - 4:38pm

hi and welcome to EAS.


no, no matter who an xap is, it does not mean it's lc if you end it.

CL-Lovely Starr

"No memory of having starred; atones for later disregard; or keeps the end from being h

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2009
Wed, 10-07-2009 - 11:19pm
Moms, your post really gave me hope, to know that someone was there and now is in a different place. I feel much better today. Yesterday and today I have so much anger and hate for him. After it ended it so became clear to me how pathetic he is. I know it sounds like sour grapes but he really is one of the most selfish,narcissitic,empty, predators I have ever met. I never knew that about him for ten years until I got close to him. And now looking back those 10 years as my BIL things start making sense about him, but he was nice to me and I think that anyone is nice to me is a good person and don't pay attention to other things or how he treats other people or other situations. I just assumed he would never try to pursue his SIL. He was, he was lurking and I think looking back he was also putting feelers out for a cousin and a babysitter. I was so naive. Now I can see red flags I never saw him as a serial cheater and I think he is onto his next victim. Before we crossed the line I thought he wasn't the best husband but I thought he had a good heart and was funny and fun and he reminded me of my Dad, he is nothing like my Dad. My Dad has empathy. This guy does nothing that is not in his interest, nothing. He is not interested in connecting with anyone only to prey on them for ego strokes.That is his whole life. Very scary. Looking back he never wanted to know about deep things with me, but he pumped me for info to find out what made me tick so he could get me and keep me, until he felt fearful we might be found out and I was not going to have sex with my BIL, that was the only boundary I had, then he dropped me like nobody's business. I know not all Xap are like this but I am not being dramatic when I say he is bad news. So in some ways it makes it easier because he is not a good guy like I thought but I am hurt that I was used and I feel stupid I fell for it. I really had feelings for who I thought he was and was addicted and turned on by him like I never imagined. I am just concerned this anger and disgust is still tying him to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2009
Wed, 10-07-2009 - 11:28pm
Thank you lovely starr, you are so right on, I will never,never, ever check his site again. I promise myself that. I was rationalizing it out that there would be something on there that would make me dislike him and help me get over it but I think I knew that wasn't true. Everytime I looked at it, it hurt me. It ate me up inside to look at it.And with the new photos it was like a relapse, I cried two days ago for the first time in a few weeks and felt like I went backwards. So 2 days of NC. I will not check the site or ask about him or his family. Thank you so much for your support and for being there for me. I am more hopeful than I have been in a long time. I will do whatever it takes to get over this, that is how I feel tonight. I want to will away any feelings I have for him or this situation.