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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Want to join!
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Mon, 01-10-2011 - 11:47am

Hello,

My name is Martin and I have been reading this board for a few weeks. It seems like a great group of people. Try to make my long story short. MM (dont shoot me :)) been in A for 3 years. LDA and havent seen in 9 months. The spark is gone and it has become drudgery. I have been trying to end it really for almost two years. She wants to remain friends. Ive tried and its not working. Ive tried to end it like 10-20 times no lie but she wont let go. Ive tried being nice, rational and mean and nothing works. She is a nice person and Ive tried not to hurt her. She is in a miserable marraige and relies on me for whats missing. I know many may say just cut ties and NC and no email. Agreed but I wanted to end this is as adults by mutual understanding. Thats not happened.

Anyways, my life is great. I have a great job and my marraige is better than ever. My wife was previously verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. but she has CHANGED. She knows I wont put up with it anymore. We had a D-Day June 2009 and it was horrible. I never felt so low. But she has forgiven me (takes time) and we are happy.

Ready to move on. I am here to give and recieve support so I welcome all feedback. Ready to move on but AP wont let go.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
In reply to: amexdm
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 11:59am

amexdm,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
In reply to: amexdm
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 11:59am

Welcome-

I'm glad you are deciding to end the A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
In reply to: amexdm
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 12:24pm

Mom_garfy,

Thank you for the welcome :). I know I cant be her savior. I have even encouraged her to date so that she coud detach some. She wont leave her H becasue of the kids, fine but find someone and be happy. As far as D-day. Horrible. As i mentioned we are in a LDA so I had to see her one more time to be sure

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
In reply to: amexdm
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 12:51pm

What are you really afraid of, M? That XOW may contact your W? If this is not a worry, then you are the one who will have to let her go, and you'll be doing this for BOTH of you. She sounds very insecure and somewhat codependent, and not able to see the damage she is doing to your M (and hers). You are going to have to be the one to cut the final strings. Close your email account and block her from your cell phone. Being that she is LD, the chances of her showing up on your doorstep are slim to none.

Understand that there is NO closure in affairs. Only a few that I know of have ended amicably and out of 100's I have seen here, that doesn't say much. Somebody gets hurt and that is the way it is with affairs. You make a choice, Martin. I hope you choose your W and give her the respect and honesty she deserves. She has stayed with you, has changed, and obviously wants her M, so it's time for you to totally respect this and get rid of your past indescretion.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
In reply to: amexdm
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 1:02pm

Of course 4 days count!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
In reply to: amexdm
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 1:41pm

Hello Martin,

Welcome to EAS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
In reply to: amexdm
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 2:23pm

Welcome, Martin!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
In reply to: amexdm
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 2:45pm

Martin, your post just shouted to me..."That's you, Lulu!" Your xAP's behaviour was mine to a tee! How awful!

Please trust me on this...you would be doing her the absolute utmost kindness to maturely and irrevocably get out of her life forever by just simply cutting all ties.

Don't bother with the "we can be friends" thing - she'll see that as an opportunity to make you change your mind.

Just go. Having been "that girl", I can tell you she is deeply unhappy and the nicest and kindest thing you can do is walk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2008
In reply to: amexdm
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 3:16pm
Martin-

Welcome! I echo what Lulu said, the way you described xAp was me to a T. I wasn't able to let go. The only difference is he never, never tried to end it, I always did, then I always went back. This time I ended it for good. I finally realized that we couldn't be "just friends". Once that line is crossed, there is no going back. Going NC, blocking and walking is the best way to go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
In reply to: amexdm
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 5:45pm

Thanks MC,

I can see this friends thing doesnt work. I wanted to end it in March 2009 for sure. I should have then. We had a D-day in June 09 and it was rough. It was my fault though. My point I guess is I was ready to go then and its been strung out for another 18 months and we nearly hate each other now. SO stupid I am.

MM

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