Want to save marriage; why do I miss him

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2010
Want to save marriage; why do I miss him
8
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 11:25pm
I am new and in need of support. I can't talk to anyone about this part of my situation. I am wanting to reconcile with my husband, but I can't stop thinking about xAP. I miss him and wonder about him all the time. After D-day, he made the decision to stay in his marriage, even though it was him who throughout our 15 month A assured me that we would someday leave our marriages to start a life together. We had even set a date by which to make our move. When the World Series begins in the fall of this year, I will be reminded of him again. I sure hope this pain in my heart has lessened by then. I am 36 days of NC. I wish everyday for something from him...anything. To go from being in constant contact with him to nothing has left a huge hole. Does anyone else still miss xAP, even though they honestly want to save their marriage? Does he miss me at all?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 5:09am

Tess,


Your XMM and mine are clones. It was HIM who always said "You jump, I jump". We talked about dates in October last fall and then again in Jan of this year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 7:32am

Tess,

I just want you to know that you are not alone. I am 23 days NC after a 4 year affair. I too thought, dreamed and hoped of a future with my xAP, and he fed in to that with his lies and broken promises. Since we've been apart, I too feel this hole in my heart.

I long for the day when it won't hurt... when I can wake up and not have him on my mind.

Hang in there, Tess. Even with all that I'm feeling now, it's better than the roller coaster ride of emotions that I felt with the A. I'm enjoying the part about not lying to my family, not having to hide my cell phone. That little bit of freedom has definitely been a positive. Reading on this board has also helped tremendously. Just to know that I'm not the only one who got sucked in and stuck for so long has given me a little bit of self esteem back and made me feel a little less humiliated.

Big HUGS to you.

-Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2010
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 9:59am
GMLB and Angel.....Thank you so much for responding. It really DOES help to know that I am not alone in these feelings. I am an educated, strong woman who should have known better than to risk putting myself and my family through this horrible pain. My husband just cannot get his mind around what I have done. He never saw this coming. I, too, feel like it is so out of character for me! I want my old self back. Is that possible?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 10:46am

Aww Tess, I too have been in your shoes. Although my xap was single, I knew all along that I would never leave my H for him. My H and I have a history together that I would never throw away. I realized that what I had with xap was just a little excitement on the side, but I have to admit while in the thick of the A I believed that I loved him and couldn't live without him. It wasn't until I found EAS that I realized that it was the chemicals in my brain that kept me addicted to xap. Ending it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life. During the first month I couldn't stand the sight of my H. I compared every little thing he said and did with xap, not to mention comparing his physical appearance (xap is 20 years younger than H). That was not fair at all because it wasn't real. What I have with my H is real. My xap never saw me at my worst and I never saw him at his worst. My H on the other hand has stood by me in my worst of times with unconditional love and adoration. When the fog begins to lift from your eyes and your heart you will realize that you do love your H and that xap was just someone who gave you false "feel goods". Try to find those "feel goods" from YOU! I am reading an incredible book right now called The Four Agreements and it is opening my eyes to so many things about me. We all get into these A's for different reasons. For me it's because I didn't love myself. If we don't love ourselves how can we accept love from others? Especially our H. I am here to tell you that I have fallen madly, deeply back in love with my H and our marriage is better than it has ever been (married 27 years)! So hang in there Tess. You got this! Keep reading.

Love to you,
AAI

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 10:53am

Welcome, Tess!

My take on your situation is that you are missing the "feel goods" you got from your A. This is called addiction. You are going through withdrawal, and dear heart, it's normal. We've all been there. Even though I was the one to end my A, I so missed the interaction with my XAP. The temptation to break NC was overwhelming at times. My heart is breaking for you.

Congratulations on 36 days NC. That is HUGE. I encourage you to find something to fill that huge hole you speak of. Get yourself busy now. That's one thing that really helped me, because it gave me other things to think about and it made time pass a little more quickly, so I didn't feel I was spending every minute thinking about him. The other thing I encourage you to do is keep coming here. We will support you. We will get you through this. Little by little things will get better, I promise!

Much love and ((hugs))

CSN

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2010
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 6:18pm

What if my H won't take me back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 6:57pm

Tess, you have to make sure that your actions speak very, very loudly. Will H go to marriage counseling with you? You must get Xap completely out of the picture and focus on repairing your M. Most of us step out of our marriage because of something lacking inside of us not because of our spouses, although I do hear some women blaming lack of attention and affection from their spouse to be the cause. Our H's can't read our minds and counseling can help us to be better communicators. 21 years is a long time and a whole bunch of history to be throwing away on someone who you may not even like in regular life. I'm praying for you Tess.

Love, AAI

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 9:00am

Hi Tess-


Your post really resonates with me. I know exactly how you feel. I was so obsessed with thoughts of xap for so long and I can't believe I almost threw away my M for his empty promises. It was very difficult to stop thinking about our "fairytale"

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/