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| Sat, 07-17-2010 - 2:16pm |
Last night was hard. Fridays stink. I'm usually alone - my kids go to their dad's every Friday. I only have a few women I call friends, and they are married - we get together for dinner or wine sometimes. In the past, XAP would come to my office after work for about an hour or so. Then I would come home to my empty house and he would go home to his W.
Last night I went shopping all by myself for a dress to wear to a wedding I have to go to next weekend (also will be XAP's birthday). It was an incredibly lonely experience. The dress I found is adorable and the sales lady did a bang up job earning her commission telling me how rockin' I look in it. I was sad because XAP and I talked months and months ago about being able to attend the wedding together. He won't see my dress, he won't be there. By the time I got home I was in full pity-party mode. I went to bed at 9:00 feeling very sorry for myself.
This morning I forced myself to go to yoga. It was almost like the final message from the yogi was directed at me:
"Be truly whole and all will be returned to you"
I thought it was a great quote and I wanted to share it with everyone. I've been repeating it over and over. My lonely night last night was no different than it would have been with XAP still in my life. But what IS different is that the lonely Friday nights are now numbered. They won't last forever anymore because I will meet someone who is available and will want to actually take me out to dinner, not just screw me on the floor and go home to wifey.
Another feeling of light was the fact that I could just go to yoga. Period. I didn't have to "report" back who I talked to, how many men were there, etc. Insanity, I know.
I still feel incredibly lonely and scared. But I want to be whole, and I want to be happy again.
Bodhi

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Hi Bodhi,
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I like the quote. You are on the right track. Sorry last night was lonely for you, but sounds like you got a great dress for the wedding.
I'm proud of you that even though you were lonely and entertaining a 'pity party, table for one' you did not cave. Sometimes sleep (going to bed early was probably beneficial) is what a body and mind needs to start anew the next day. Worked for you, you went to Yoga class and enjoyed it without any strings attached!
Hang in there! Keep TAKING CARE OF YOU!
MO
MovingON
Thank you MO :)
I can't cave. He wouldn't have answered. I would have kicked myself for calling. He didn't want all the gifts I have to share. As you said, I just have to hang in there until the loneliness subsides. It's all part of the healing process, I know. I really do have to keep reminding myself that I was alone while I was with him.
Bodhi
Bodhi-i'm really glad you shared your feelings here on EAS instead of resorting to something unhealthy.
I think you're doing an incredible job. the lows are to be expected, but part of what will prevent you from getting into a bad situation again is that you're actually FEELING and EXPERIENCING the entire recovery process. the ups, the downs, the disappointment, the loneliness, the self pity, its all part of recovering. feeling these things reflect the fact that you are FACING reality, and that is what will keep you straight. you've got no illusions; he's gone, its over, if you call he wont answer, and he doesn't want what you have to offer (his loss, of course).
be proud of yourself for owning this recovery process and for keeping your eye on the prize: you deserve to feel whole. i find that going to the gym, including regular yoga, has been hugely therapeutic for me. keep that up. yoga is all about mindfulness and letting go, which can really help you to stop obsessing over the A and get some peace.
you rock, and you're going to be fine.
p.s.-if friday nights tend to get boring, have you considered joining some kid of book club/movie club/creepy intense bible study group/vampire cult/save-the-children-volunteer-group, etc? routines and structure help me from idly dreaming of xAP, so maybe it would be good to get involved in something.
Bodhi,
(((HUGS)))
I’m
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Thanks Ex -
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We all do - and we'll all get there. I'm finding that right now, emptiness alone is way better than emptiness with XAP.
Thank you for your suggestions for filling Friday nights too! I'm in a book club, but I bet I can find a vampire cult that meets on Fridays though - ha ha.
Bodhi
E1 -
Thank you :)
You are right - like I said in my post to Ex, I am finding that being alone now is better than being alone with XAP. This "alone" is real and honest.
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Haha - great black heals that I will last about 1 hour in! What to do with my hair is what I'm wondering! :)
Bodhi
PS - I loved your quotes on Dee's thread (Dee - I loved your dad's too) Along those same lines, a great one by Gloria Steinem: "The truth will set you free. But first it will piss you off"
Bodhi...
Girl, I may not know you personally, but from reading your posts, you are one of the strongest and level headed women I know of.
Thank you (((DAB)))
I wanted to say to you too, how much it means to me to have someone praying for me (and all of us). I searched for your back story and I am so happy that you are moving forward with your healthy life! I can't believe you co-existed with your XAP so much - joint bank accounts??
My personality is a double-edged sword. I am strong and have a lot of willpower when I make my mind up about something. That is what bought me 7.5 years of hell though. I made my mind up about the wrong thing.
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That would be poetic - the wedding is on XAPs birthday.
Bodhi
Bodhi,
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All the better that you have plans and will be busy getting all
~Iddy~
Thanks (((Iddy)))
I have to get mentally prepared for it. I'm scared in a lot of ways. Something I have always struggled with is doing things (especially like this) by myself. Always thinking "I'm supposed to be having fun. Everyone else is having fun, what is wrong with me??" Plus, the added stress of his "Who was there? Who did you talk to?" This will be the first "event" where I haven't been involved with him. I'm actually a little worried that he will try to call me, or text me mean things. We had talked a year ago when it was first announced about going together. As the date drew closer, of course that was out of the question and he didn't want me to go. I was proud of myself for actually telling him I was going. There are SO many things I've not done because it was easier than dealing with his consequences.
I want to be able to let go and have fun. I'm worried that I'll be sad and just think about his stupid birthday. Deep breath.
I hope you are having a good day too. Still sunny here now - I'll keep you posted when it hits us so you know it's coming :)
Bodhi
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