Wanted to share

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wanted to share
25
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 2:16pm

Last night was hard. Fridays stink. I'm usually alone - my kids go to their dad's every Friday. I only have a few women I call friends, and they are married - we get together for dinner or wine sometimes. In the past, XAP would come to my office after work for about an hour or so. Then I would come home to my empty house and he would go home to his W.

Last night I went shopping all by myself for a dress to wear to a wedding I have to go to next weekend (also will be XAP's birthday). It was an incredibly lonely experience. The dress I found is adorable and the sales lady did a bang up job earning her commission telling me how rockin' I look in it. I was sad because XAP and I talked months and months ago about being able to attend the wedding together. He won't see my dress, he won't be there. By the time I got home I was in full pity-party mode. I went to bed at 9:00 feeling very sorry for myself.

This morning I forced myself to go to yoga. It was almost like the final message from the yogi was directed at me:

"Be truly whole and all will be returned to you"

I thought it was a great quote and I wanted to share it with everyone. I've been repeating it over and over. My lonely night last night was no different than it would have been with XAP still in my life. But what IS different is that the lonely Friday nights are now numbered. They won't last forever anymore because I will meet someone who is available and will want to actually take me out to dinner, not just screw me on the floor and go home to wifey.

Another feeling of light was the fact that I could just go to yoga. Period. I didn't have to "report" back who I talked to, how many men were there, etc. Insanity, I know.

I still feel incredibly lonely and scared. But I want to be whole, and I want to be happy again.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 3:52pm

Hell NO girl, you will not be sad.

You are going to celebrate you! You are going to celebrate being free.

You are soon going to learn & know & feel that you are that beautiful someone that someone is going to love to love. You are going to radiate such love of self, that you'll be magnetic and healthy and wiser than before.

I am so proud of the growth you have demonstrated. Rock on and forget catching the flowers, right now it's not another man you need to find, but just how high your OWN wings can carry you.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 8:36pm

(((TU)))

I'm sure going to try! I'll be reading and posting a lot this week I'm sure.

<<>>

I just wish I felt more "free". I still feel like I have to answer to XAP, like I'm his possession. I have never done anything to betray the relationship I wanted with him, but it never mattered - he would create problems. One of my old interns got married several years ago and I went to the wedding - holy cow. XAP went crazy with accusations, etc. It was insane. I'm looking at this like I did yoga yesterday - I can just go and at least relax without worrying about reporting who I'm talking to and how many men are there!

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: bodhi2010
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 10:17pm

Hi Bodhi,


I just love that quote but I'm liken how cute those shoes are you described! You go gurl! I bet you are going to look absolutely beautiful!


When we have so much stress and pressure on us from the A, it weighs on our spirit. It shows in our face and in the way we carry our self.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 8:07pm

Bodhi- I don't post here as much as I used to. I took a new job 3 months ago and can't spend as much time here as I'd like, but I read everything and I wanted you to know that the strength you've shown in your first 3 weeks is inspiring. You will be one of the success stories from this board. I am glad you are here to share your strength with others. Much love.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 8:23pm

Jane -

That means so much to me - I sure hope so. I don't plan on going anywhere! As well as reading all my HL stuff, I check your blog everyday and you are an inspiration. I'm so glad you survived your motorcycle garage incident! I was so touched by your H's words and actions :) What a great guy. You deserve the best.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 8:53am

You rock lady! Aren't you proud of yourself? I know I am. You are not lonely you are wonderful, smart, savy and empowered. You are no longer accepting crumbs from someone who isn't worthy of you. Why not check out a couple of dating sites where SINGLE men hang out. I have a friend who met a wonderful guy through match.com. They are getting M next month after dating two years. She had to go through some really bad dates before she found her prince but he came along and she is happier than ever. My friend used the dating site as an adventure. She would look forward to her next "date" and she didn't settle for the guys who werent worthy. She learned to not be disappointed in men but she put up high standards and wouldn't settle.


Don't sit home every Friday night. Get up and get moving. Try going out alone. Pull that sexy black dress and those stolletoes out of the closet and go dancing alone if you have to. I did that myself after my mourning period post-A and it turned out to be a blast for me.


A MM has no right wondering who a S woman is dating or talking to. It's all a form of manipulation and control. While you were thinking that he cared so much, he is just manipulating your mind so no single available man comes into your life and treats you the way you deserve. It's all a part of keeping you on a shelf until he is ready to take you down and play with; unless you interfere with his RL and his wifey and don't make any waves he will continue to keep you in your little secret place. I am so proud of you for finally loving yourself enough to end this madness once and for all.


There are billions of ppl on this planet. There is no reason for you to be home alone on a Friday night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 9:27am

"There are billions of ppl on this planet. There is no reason for you to be home alone on a Friday night."


I am a S women too just getting out of an A with a MM. Your post resonated with me because I have heard this too. And maybe what you don't understand is that the S dynmaic of an A was very different. It isn't that easy for us to bounce back. First of all there is the whole broken heart issue. Who wants to date with a broken heart while you sit there and wonder who the heck this new guy is and why isn't he the xMM you really want to be with? That leads to a night ending in tears... trust me, BTDT. The second part is, as S women involved in this, we got comfortable putting our life on hold. We were very focused and loyal on our 1/2 of a relationship.. as pathetic as that sounds. So to break out of that and re focus our brains to remember that we need to start living again as a whole person, is an oddly difficult process. It might take time.


I don't mean to speak for Bodhi too... she might feel different. But in my case, these have been my hang ups to moving on.





iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 9:27am

Aww, thanks (((Why)))

I'm really freaked out at the thought of dating still. There is a part of me that wants to, because I have been "available" for so long. I mentioned in a post a few weeks ago that there is a single guy in town that I used to have a crush on and would like to just go out to dinner with. The responses were that I need to work on me right now - which I agree with. The big thing is that I have been incredibly loyal to a controlling a-hole that still has his hooks in me. I have to really get past thinking that I still have to be accountable to him.

<<>>

You are absolutely right. And you're right about there being no reason for me to be home on Friday nights. I'm working my way through the all the crap - my actions needs need to start aligning with my new goals.

Thank you Why :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 9:39am
Bodhi and Why,
The advice to work on yourself and not redirect your energy in to a new relationship, or pursuit of a new relationship, is sound and you're right to follow it. However, there is nothing wrong with putting yourself in situations where you can be appreciated by single men and start to work out your pre-dating skills -- and if, like, you happen to be slammin' in a slinky dress and killer shoes.... so be it! Girls night out, with rules that its about flirting, dancing and hanging out, and NOT picking up guys, is a good middle ground between dating and staying home alone on Friday nights. All the marrieds are going to be jealous! ha!
Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 10:10am

wisingup, I am so sorry for your pain. Please know that I wasn't making light of anyone's pain. I was S also when I ended my A with a MM 7.5 years ago. I laid in the middle of my floor for days crying over someone else's H. We allowed a MM to pursue us because we were hiding out from true love. From the very first time when we accepted MM proposal we were wrong and out of line. We have to realize that we signed up for misery and that our role was destructive to ourselves and his family. I had to realize that. When I made myself realize that I was wrong from the first time I accepted being someone's second best/dirty little secret I was able to pick myself up and not settle for that ever again.


I do understand the S dynamic because I have BTDT. You have to realize that this man is only a man. You chose to put your life on hold for someone who didn't deserve it. There are so many men on this planet who can love you and won't hide you. Imagine sitting at the dinner table on Christmas with a man who loves you and his family knows that you are the one he loves. Don't you want that? Well, I am now M to a wonderful man so I know it's possible. My H doesn't hide me. Everyone knows about me and he will walk down any street holding my hand letting everyone know that I am the only woman he loves. Hiding out in hotel rooms or wherever is no way to live. It only tears down your self-worth. We stay in those kinds of relationships because we don't think we deserve any better. We allow them to manipulate us and we put our lives on hold not allowing ourselves to experience true and honest love that doesn't tear away our self esteem but builds us up.


The sad part is that it isn't because we love them so much. It's because we don't love ourselves more to not settle for being someone's second, third or even fourth in their lives. Trust me when I say that if you truly end your A with a MM and open yourself up to new and exciting new opportunities someone will come into your life who will be there 100% with you and for you. It took T for me to realize that I wasn't so in love with XMM, rather I was so broken that I didn't know how to love myself and demand more from the man in my life. You can get there also, you just have to try your best to love yourself more. I come back to this board because if I can just reach one woman in pain and let her know that she can do better and not settle for being the OW, it will make me proud. If I can do it, any other woman can.