"WANTED" Success stories...reconnecting after the affair

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
"WANTED" Success stories...reconnecting after the affair
4
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 9:35pm

Bk would like to hear some success stories.  So how about it, guys and dolls.  Cool

Post in and share your story with the whys and hows reconnecting with your spouse became possible.

Thanks

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Hi everyone! Well, I am one of the fortunate ones who has managed to reconnect with my husband, which I have to admit took me totally by surprise, I had totally given up on my marriage and was contemplated walking away when I ended my affair. We had drifted so far apart, magnified a hundred fold by me absenting myself further from our relationship by having a relationship with xAP. I decided to have a chat with my H the day after I ended my affair to see where we were, and whether we had any chance of making it. My H astonished me by being so upbeat, enthusiastic, optimistic and utterly committed to making our marriage work, so for me/us, it has been relatively easy. We have both been working on our relationship, even though H knows nothing of my A. I ended my affair last March, and my husband and I are closer now than we have been probably since our children were little. Yoga posted a link to a website called “Marriage Rebuilders” or something like that, and I absorbed lots of the advice from there. One piece of advice which has been so important is the concept of a “love bank” and “love units”. It is advised that you spend 15 hours a week together, and during this time you are depositing love units in your love bank. Any negativity such as arguments are a withdrawal of love units from the love bank. I told H about this whole love bank idea and we joke about it e.g. if he watches a film with me on the TV he’ll say “well that’s me deposited another couple of love units in the love bank”. It does work, and it’s very easy. My advice to anyone who does want to make a go of their marriage is that you have to have the desire to make it work, and you have to put in the effort, you will get out of it what you put into it, the same as anything in life. If you are not really committed to making things work and/or you don’t put in the effort, then your chances are minimal. You need to spend time together, communicate, appreciate each other’s qualities, compromise, laugh, enjoy each other’s company. In the early days I did have to resort to good old “fake it til you make it strategy”, but I don’t need that anymore, I am truly happy with my H, I love him and I intend to spend the rest of my life with him. Love, Soglad x o x o x
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010

Good Morning all,

Thank you for following up on BK’s request Clarity!

I posted yesterday about where I was in my journey – see “Let the Hard Work Begin”. 

My story is different than Soglad’s.  My H knows of the A and was not terribly enthusiastic to continue the M.  He was, however, cautious and continues to be so.  He is sad and troubled, but I know we still love each other very much.  We have been married almost 30 years and it was a good M.  We are friends, too, in that we like the same things and like to be with each other.

But the intimacy in our M is what has suffered as a result of my infidelity.  And I am talking about intimacy on a deep emotional level, where there is complete trust and security, clearly not just physical.  It was not possible for me to be intimate with my H or my XAP.  How can you be intimate with anyone if you are not 100% honest and transparent with them?  I was not being honest with my H or my XAP.

I am familiar with what Soglad is referring to about love bank and units and deposits.  I believe the author of this concept is Dr. Willard F. Harley.  He has written several books.  He wrote a book called “His Needs, Her Needs”, where he identifies basic needs of husbands and wives.  And, if any of those needs are not being met, one is vulnerable to an A. Check him out.

I will continue to (try!) to post. Dumb site doesn’t always allow me to sign in!

I do know that, at this point, there is much work to be done to re-build, and as RBM has always said, give time TIME.

But, I am thankful that we are pointed in the right direction.  And, that was not even remotely POSSIBLE until I ended the A, went NC and made conscious hard efforts to put distance between myself and the A, not just physically, but in my thoughts as well.  And I did that my putting the focus on ME and reminding myself day after day how miserable I was in the A and how no relationship built on lies or deceit can possibly be healthy.  I wanted to be healthy again.  I was simply sick and tired of being sick and tired.  As RBM says, I WAS READY TO BE DONE.

~Sunrise

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2012

SoGlad,

Wow, very nice post. I just had to say that :D The love bank and units sounds awesome

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003

I had an on and off, long-term affair with a friend of DH's.  Start to finish it spanned 13+ years in some form or another.  D-day was 5 1/2 years ago, and we've been rebuilding since then.

When d-day happened, I was not one of those who immediately realized how awesome my DH was and was desperate to rebuild.  Mostly the opposite, really.  In my mind, my marriage had been done for years, almost before it even started, because I felt as though it was based on a lie.  The lie of who I was, vs. who my DH thought I was.  I believed that I had been successful at hiding who I really was from him, though that wasn't my intention originally.  My own issues and fears led me to that place, despite my good intentions starting out.

When we met, I wanted to be the person that I hoped I could be, someday.  I wanted to be open, and strong, and brave, and true.  Instead, I flinched when the opportunities arose, and hid behind the walls I'd built to keep myself safe and free from hurt.  And the walls just got higher and higher, until even if I'd wanted to - there was just no real way to bring them down without causing massive destruction.

 And then, d-day happened.  And all of the things that I had been running and hiding from my entire life caught up with me.  I stood before my DH, totally exposed, totally vulnerable, totally deserving of whatever came my way, believing that now that he could finally SEE me and all of my ugliness, he'd walk away.

But, he didn't.  He saw me all along, much to my surprise.  Not everything, not completely, but enough to know that the ugliness was there.  And he loved me anyway.  Ugliness and all. 

So, I stayed.  And for the first little while, that's all I really did.  I was too broken to really be able to work together, be an active and equal participant in our relationship.  The beginning was rough.  I was utterly graceless.  Every step was a battle for me, a fight.  I fought myself, more than anyone else - fought to let myself be vulnerable, to be open, to be just me, flaws and all, and to not care if anyone saw them.  I was defensive, and argumentative, and very quick to lash out, to hurt first.  My shame was overwhelming most days.  At my past, but at my present, as well, at how bad I was at the rebuilding thing, at how much of a mess I was making of it.

We called it quits, more than once.  Threw in the towel.  But somehow, someway, we fought through.  Neither of us can say for sure whether we'll end up a success story or not.  Whether we'll make it or not.  I mean, we are, for now, most days - and that's enough for both of us, I think.  Today, we're okay.  And we'll deal with tomorrow when it comes.

I'm still not perfect, and never will be.  I will still be rude sometimes, and too quick to be defensive, and a little mean at times.  I still have to fight to express my feelings instead of hiding them away.  I am still a work in progress, in many respects, and I may never completely finish that work.  But I am me, and I don't hide anymore.

It's work - and some really scary work, at that.  You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable, knowing that it could go badly, that you could get hurt, that it may not end well.  But you have to do it anyway, because life is short, and pain always fades eventually.  Be tired of being tired, be sick of being scared, and just be brave.  I promise, it gets easier the more you do it.

xoxoxo

Kim