Wanting more control

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wanting more control
5
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 8:15pm
I definitely said what i wanted when NC began a month ago. Yet I find myself wishing he would contact me, lately. Not so that it can start all over again, but so I can say "NO" again..sad huh? I don't know why that is something that is still crossing my mind, other than the frustration you get upon realizing you were jerked around (and allowed it)-its as if I haven't gotten enough digs, or enough chance to push him away. Its like I crave that chance, now that I am fully able to do it. In the past I wasn't. I would just keep being drawn back in..and here I am now wishing he'd contact me so I could just say no..and experience it. Maybe to prove to myself that I'd do it? I don't know..sigh
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 8:40pm

Lea

This is pretty normal around this stage of things so don't sweat it.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 8:38am

Hi Lea,

I am so not up to where you are now, but I can imagine I will be exactly the same. I think I will feel like how did I let you con me for all those years? Mad. Want to lash out, xMM would be ideal, he deserves it. Although I suppose in the long run its would just make me as bad as he was.

I'm sorry I can't help - HUGE (((((HUGS))))) to you...

Liz :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 6:29pm

Hey Lea,

It's been 4 months NC for me, (my choice) and I STILL have days when I feel the same way! Only, I don't want to tell him "NO", I want him to acknowledge the hurt he caused me. It's very rare for him to say he is sorry about anything. For some reason, sometimes I would just like to hear it. I think I want that for the same reasons you want to hear from your xMM....the control!! But I have no urge to contact HIM at all! I had a bad couple days around his b-day, but since then I seem stronger everyday. I don't even care what he's doing anymore. I guess the healing has started! Yippee!!!

Owl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 9:06pm
Owl that is great to hear! I am happy for you!!
Actually my Ex-MM has apologized and acknowledged his thoughtlessness--but it was many months ago. And shortly after that, we got involved again-with his vow to be true to his word and I fell for it. Fast forward to this year when it became clear to me that he was no different than before--and I said it was over..he saying he at least wanted me in his life as a friend forever..and my saying no way.. Nothing more can be said on his part..When it came to me, it seems I was this fantasy love of his, that he was too chicken to actually be honest with..Suffice it to say- I am not sure I could ever believe in him again, no matter what the situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 9:54pm

Lea,

I know just what you mean! Been there done that! My xMM said the same thing, we tried the friendship route too, which led right back to the A. When it ended this time, he didn't want to lose his "best friend". I said no way would I take a chance on trying to remain friends. I left him with nothing to say either. Just sent him an email one day and told him he wouldn't hear from me again and please don't contact me. End of story. However, my xMM never once said he was sorry for ever hurting me. Although he was always quick to point out the times I hurt him. LOL! I guess that's why I would like that apology from him. It wouldn't get him anywhere, it would just make ME feel better! :)
And in the end, isn't that what it's all about? Me, me, me? LOL!