Wanting to Reach Out

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2013
Wanting to Reach Out
9
Sat, 01-26-2013 - 8:02am

So AP had a surgery yesterday.  I want so badly to send a message to find out how it went, etc.  Not only that but I am feeling so much emptiness.  For the last 8 months, since my H left, the only intimate connection I have had has been with AP.  I have emailed him daily, mulitple times a day, with where I am going and what I am doing and how I am feeling.  Some how that feels like intimacy and I miss it right now.  I want to tell him how much it hurts.  But I also want to tell him that I know it is the right thing. I want to write to him like I would a friend.  I would like to have a relationship with him but I refuse to torture myself for someone who is not able to give me the love I want and deserve and as long as I am 'in love' with him, I will torture myself.  Beyond that, I have a lot of healing to do for the loss of my marriage and to restore my relationship with my children.  So avoiding a romantic involvement with any man is the wisest course of action for me.  I just have not ever since the time I was 13 NOT had a man to obsess over.  Yes, obsess.  That is exactly how I do relationships.  I obsess and completely go all in.  I know this is a pattern that must be changed or I will never really find satisfaction.  I know that I need to give myself the love that I am looking for from someone else.  I know that I can do this...for my self and for my kids and for my job.  I just do not like it.  But the good news is that even though a part of me (the sick part) wants to immediately replace that relationship or go back to it, I know that I can't do either.  I don't want to fall into this pit again.  I want to be strong and become a woman who attracts the right man.

Thanks for listening all.  Just needed to write it out and feel like someone out there would 'hear'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
Sat, 01-26-2013 - 9:03am

Mrose -((HUGS)) (and ugg to this board as this is my 4th attempt to post this)

You are smart to come and write it out here.  Being alone doesn't mean unworthy.  And from the sounds of things - you know this.....  but I know the emotional/ego of it is not that easy.  Have you sought out some kind of therapy or counseling so that you can work through things a bit and learn some healthy relationship techniques?  If you can, it's life altering.

In the meantime - redirect your energies to other things - serve someone, join a reading group, scrapbook, join a gym - learn to give yourself a virtual high five.  It's hard - it's hard to replace those highs that you got with xAP.  On that note - you call him AP, as if it's still current.  Are you still considering it current?  It's important to begin putting an ending language to things - if you are committed then maybe make it a point to call him xAP?  

One of the best things I saw after my ending (I ended my M and A at the same time) was this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs  I hope it helps you.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2013
Sat, 01-26-2013 - 9:47am

Thank you.  I will watch the video.  I have been in therapy.  It has helped get me to the place of ending things.  That and the day I Facebook xAP (good advice on the using the right term!!) and saw the 'lovely' picture of him and his wife all smiles.  I wanted to vomit and realized I would torture myself like that as long as I allowed the relationship to continue.  There are worse things than being alone.  I ended my marriage at the beginning of THIS affair.  I knew I had to end the M when I realized I was once again looking for fulfillment outside.  I am hurting but look forward to doing the work it will take to make sure I don't repeat my mistakes.  I would so like to be friends with xAP.  The relationship gave me much insight into myself and though I know I cannot be romantically involved with him, it would be nice to be friends.  I don't think I can do it...at least not yet...and maybe not ever.  I am just glad it is over and I can put the focus on where it needs to be.  lol...just gonna have to stock up on the batteries if you know what I mean!

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 01-26-2013 - 10:54am

Good morning, Mrosebug

I'm glad to seeing you reaching out for support here...talking it through.  Your head seems be in the right place...often times it takes a while longer for the heart to reconcile.

Honey, the friend'ship' has sailed...it was sacrificed when you crossed the line.  And to continue on with a friendship morphs your affair into an emotional affair...and an affair is an affair is an affair.  For most of us, wanting to keep the friendship is simply a last-ditch attempt to hold on.  So please, move away from that idea.  

You know what you need to do...stock up on those batteries...and beat the drum...and energize yourself for your healing journey.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2013
Sun, 01-27-2013 - 10:50am

I wake up at 4am and can think of nothing but him.  I know it is a deadend.  I know it is a wrong relationship.  I know I know I knows follow me around my bedroom all morning.  And still my heart aches.  I see his face.  I feel his lips.  I want to touch his skin, hear his voice, yadayadayada.  I am telling myself that maybe we can just hang out.  Maybe I can make the relationship just sex and keep him in my life.  I am thinking about what ifs...what if I can control my emotions and just make it sex...ha.  I mean I want to laugh at that thought.  I would love to be able to do that but the reality is...I don't think I can.  I know that I can't fool around with someone I don't have feelings for...and if I have feelings for him, then sex would be an attempt to connect with him.  And at the core, then, my motive is to try to make him love me/choose me/need me.  And the result will always be rejection.  Over and over again I will feel rejected no matter how much I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter.  I know there is a very core issue with me and male rejection --- no father.  No male figure who paid any real attention to me.  I am working on this.  I have to give it to myself.  But the temporary and very satisfying fix from xAP seems so much easier than feeling and working through the other stuff.

I don't even know what to write, and I am usually pretty good at writing!  I know that I am in pain.  I know that I feel like I am drowning with nothing to hold onto.  I know that my thoughts keep returning to him.  I also know that the fact that I am feeling these things indicates that I am doing what I need to do.  I am old enough to know that if I do not face this and take care of the underlying problems which lead me to make choices in my life that result in real destruction of self and others, I will continue to repeat the same mistakes.  More importantly, I do not want to teach my daughter this life.

I hate that I traded the jewel of a man who really loved me for a handful of sand.  I did that.  My marriage was not perfect and after having numerous affairs, I know divorce is the only decent thing to do...I just wish I had gotten help when I was 22 and not 42. 

Just venting....and trying to reason with my addicted self!

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 01-27-2013 - 11:31am

Can you go any lower?  You are not doing yourself any favors, by hanging onto him in spirit.

Breaking the negative habit is a matter of willpower. Doing what is best for you. Be stubborn and do it for you.

You have written the words, but are not living the truth that you speak.

When you stop doing what you are doing, and do something else you will find there is ANOTHER world out there, full of good things and great people and you will find you are wasting your time and energy on him, and your past regrets.

You are so young in age that you probably haven't even made the turn onto your second half of life.  Don't you get it?  Happiness is a journey just like you would expect it to be.

You have to take the first step and go after it. Quit hanging onto him and his dead-end alley.

Exercise is a great start, because you can do it alone. It's a start. Add to it, music or even audio books to help keep your mind busy while doing it.

Lolly is so right, paying forward. Help to someone who needs it. Giving of yourself. There is all kinds of need out there, and you ignore it. Get yourself involved with something. Get your mind involved.

Take on a project or cause. The bigger the better. Get your mind working instead of letting it go to mush. 

It is all a choice. Your choice and you can hang onto what you have for as long as you want, or you can choose to move on to a better life, with true fullfilment and happiness. 

Make the right choice. Make it today. Do something that you would never have thought of yesterday. What is the worse that can happen.

We are pulling for you.

Stop the pain, it all in your mind.

Rather....

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2013
Sun, 01-27-2013 - 12:19pm

Thank you for the encouragement.  You have said some true things. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2013
Sun, 01-27-2013 - 12:19pm

Thank you for the encouragement.  You have said some true things. 

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sun, 01-27-2013 - 1:45pm

(((Mrosebug)))

I'm glad you recognize the addiction because I was about to say 'spoken like a true addict."

You are withdrawing, the addiction is trying to reassert itself, and so making you think crazy thoughts.

You have to get through this...there is no away around, but through.  The battle is raging with in you...you must win this battle.

I'm glad you are coming here and writing it out.  

I was never big on prayer, but getting down on your knees and asking your Higher Power to take away the obsession and bring you peace can be helpful.

Stay the course.  Taking a hit off the crack pipe will do nothing but give you a temporary fleeting fix and then bring you even lower than you thought possible. 

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Sun, 01-27-2013 - 10:43pm

Mrose,

I am very concerned for you.  Your thoughts are nearly like a flight of ideas that are out of control.  I'm reading desperation into your posts.

You mentioned you're seeing a therapist - is this person actually helping you?

I, too, have had men in my life for a long time, but you cannot let them - or anyone for that matter - define who you are.  (I would say the same to a man who was exhibiting the same kind of behavior.)

You have, indeed, appeared to have hit a low point and you *MUST* concentrate on getting healthy again by focusing on the right things to do now.  Start with taking care of your basic necessities - your health, your personal care, your family. 

If you're spiritual, *immediately* start meditating and/or praying for peace.

Try hard to stop the thoughts through engaging in meaningful work (whether at your job or through community service/helping others, as was advised previously).

You and you alone are your own best advocate, but you must take these steps to mental and physical wellness if you wish to be healthy again.

Please keep us posted.

((HUGS))

PAC