Wanting to Reach Out

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2013
Wanting to Reach Out
Sat, 01-26-2013 - 8:02am

So AP had a surgery yesterday.  I want so badly to send a message to find out how it went, etc.  Not only that but I am feeling so much emptiness.  For the last 8 months, since my H left, the only intimate connection I have had has been with AP.  I have emailed him daily, mulitple times a day, with where I am going and what I am doing and how I am feeling.  Some how that feels like intimacy and I miss it right now.  I want to tell him how much it hurts.  But I also want to tell him that I know it is the right thing. I want to write to him like I would a friend.  I would like to have a relationship with him but I refuse to torture myself for someone who is not able to give me the love I want and deserve and as long as I am 'in love' with him, I will torture myself.  Beyond that, I have a lot of healing to do for the loss of my marriage and to restore my relationship with my children.  So avoiding a romantic involvement with any man is the wisest course of action for me.  I just have not ever since the time I was 13 NOT had a man to obsess over.  Yes, obsess.  That is exactly how I do relationships.  I obsess and completely go all in.  I know this is a pattern that must be changed or I will never really find satisfaction.  I know that I need to give myself the love that I am looking for from someone else.  I know that I can do this...for my self and for my kids and for my job.  I just do not like it.  But the good news is that even though a part of me (the sick part) wants to immediately replace that relationship or go back to it, I know that I can't do either.  I don't want to fall into this pit again.  I want to be strong and become a woman who attracts the right man.

Thanks for listening all.  Just needed to write it out and feel like someone out there would 'hear'.