WARNING- Before you post on the RS board

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
WARNING- Before you post on the RS board
19
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 11:07pm
Warning. Before you post on the Relationship Saver board. This is the kind of advice that you will get. It is hurtful. Do not post there if your trying to end an EMA. This is the reply that one of our friends received.

jmho,

Jon

See below










Look, you're living in a dream world and you need to see the facts as someone else that is removed from the situation sees it.

He was married and having an affair with you. Meaning - he was "liking the adoration and the "situation" of great sex without obligation, and no responsibilities attached" that were the dynamic of being 'involved with you".

Affairs are a vacuum environment where there is nothing but pleasing the partner sexually, adn being desired sexually and often that is misinterpreted to mean that you're liked admired, respected, accepted, and desired on more than just the sexual level.

Women are famous for this mistake....a man having an affair is having an affair with your genitalia that is enhanced by your adoration of him, and your panting desire for his genetalia inside you as evidenced by the risks that you're taking and incurring to "be with him". A man has an affair knowing he likes "the situation" not the woman per se. any woman that would go for the "admire, desire, and do me" dynamic...he's all about it. He wants great sex with no obligation....he's got obligations and living up to them at home usually with no intention of leaving, becuase he's not involved with you as a person - but with the situation itself. And the second it becomes "unfun" - the situation/mistress are DUMPED!

A woman having an affair does what she does when dating (which is why she got into an affair to begin with - she didn't know how to date and jumped into a relationship or thinks an affair is a venue to get one)....oh, he loves me, adores me, admires me, and desires me as evidenced by the pup tent in his trousers. Oh, you wonderful man, you're so wonderful I can't imagine a life without you." And immediately dismisses all factual evidence regarding "the situation" and she begins to 'date" the married man......in terms of her affection, her adoration, her fantasizing - all surrounds "more than just screwing" - while he's all about watching you deep throat and swallow and if you had a twin - he'd be twice as thrilled.

She's thrilled with "HIM"...he's thrilled with "the situation".

So, he found you as easy lay with no obligation. Yes, he might admire your mind...but what he found most attractive was your total lack of self-respect, and value oriented actions. YOu were willing to give hiim waht he wanted - sex without obligation - and he loved THAT....not you.

There's "your affair" dissected so that you can examine all the fragments and discern what is what.

Your marriage....you likely got in it for waht it offered, perhaps the emotional high of being found so desirable by your husband at the time, along with the "benefits" of the liason - things or positions you couldn't provide for yourself by your estimation. Why women "get married" is so diverse I won't go into speculation on your motivation.

But, you weren't "committed to him" as a person....as evidenced by the affair. You're emoitonally driven, factually dismissive, adn rationalizations and justifications are your modus operandi.

So, you got married because it "felt so right/good"...and you had the affair for the same "reason".

And he said "without full disclosure" (likely becuase he knew that would END any possibility of any type of reconciliation or reinstatement of the friendship - this man didn't want to lose his security, his financial stability, his resources, his family) our marriage is over (meaning your benefits, security were going to end)....knowing that once his wife knew, she'd tell her husband "what was what" that the slut he was screwing was NEVER to be in his life again in any capacity unless he wanted ot lose his 401K, his kids, his house, and his social standing, and respect of family and friends. And he'd agree, because the 'situation' is not what it once way - no obligation, easy sex with him feeling like a stud' - and the situation changed to make you a "high risk factor, with him being considered a dud of a husband, father, and person in general."

You said, I want to spare his wife gory details....BS - you wanted to appease your husband and retain your security, plus you didn't want his wife hearing all the ins and outs of your affair because if she did - you'd have NOTHING between you and the MM that was 'so private, so special" that with a little flirtation might resurrect the affair in due time.

So, you've gone and told his wife. Who's likely told him that the slut is out of his life, or his security, his position, and his family are no longer his. He won't have anything to do with you...rest assured, because what you thought of as a "great friendship that led to more" - was him "pursuing sex and willing to do some low level of "romance" (MM have a problem picking you up for dinner in a limo!) by starting up a"friendship" that was really a venue for flirtationa nd potentially no obligation sex. Hopefully you don't work together, particularly where he's above you in position - if so, expect to find yourself demoted, transferred and eventually fired. Along with other ramifications of your position, so if you work together and want more on that projection, let me know.

You want to resume the friendship, your husband is saying NEVER without a full disclosure of your whereabouts. Does he mean it...he might. He might because he might assume this MM will NEVER be permitted to contact you again so it's a non-issue and saying it makes your husband appear to be "forgiving" and "societally forward-thinking." He might really mean it.....because he intends to monitor your every move for a lifetime because he's not about to let you get out of his sight, he doesn't trust you as far as he can throw a single kleenex. Meaning that the joint accounts are closing, the ability to access his funds will be denied, his "option" to remain his wife will always be ever-present and presented to you as "I'm staying with you on a probationary period - you mess up in any way and I'm out of here, along with my security." He's assured himself of the option to divorce you on grounds of adultery....the MM wife's will attest to the affair and her knowldge of it. In some states, that'll cost you HUGE in terms of settlement should divorce come down the pike. And rest assured, lots of people know about the factthat you're emotonally driven, lacking in self-esteem, love an ego boost and have no compunction about where to get it- so you'll be getting other offers from less attractive men of "do you wanna do me too".

You're over here worried about whether you'll be able to resurrect this "great friendship" that had attraction at the core, that resulted in an affair which means "the use I have for you is sex only" in a man's definition....and on the other hand you're clinging to the life-raft of your marriage for the benefits it provides.

Know what....YOU are what make women as a gender look userous, manipulative, insecure, needy, vicious, evil and cruel.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 11:24pm
Wow I am so sorry. All I can say is obviously that person has been done very wrong and probably has a very bad relationship themselves. I hope you didn't take any of this to heart. Welcome back and you know you won't get that evil treatment here.

Cali~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 11:36pm
Redirect this post to XTERRA........

Sorry Yama I thought it was you that got this response. I was kinda confused cause I thought you were male and it sounded as if she was responding to a female.

Anyway Xterra girl we love you stay here. If you need more help we are here for you whatever you need just ask.

Hugs

Cali~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 6:49am
John,

Wow that was a crazy response....I think we should take away their PHD. Hopefully, they have one for going on all those tangents... the pompass ass! I think if I got that response it would actually make me feel better, because it's so insane...I'd know I was normal.. You know, I was looking on the My Affair Support the other day. It made me so sad to see how happy those people are.. and to think how eventually it will all come falling down... Because it almost always does.

Katja

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 8:12am
I had the same experience on the "Ask Mr.Man" board. This has to be the same author. I left that board after one post. I left feeling like a horrible slut that had lost all of my credibility at my job. I am still thinking about that response.

Lostit

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 8:20am
Xterra, I posted this on the other site as well. I am sure that NRE and some of the other males will agree.




"the use I have for you is sex only" in a man's definition...

BLANKET STATEMENTS like this that may or may be true should not be made on these boards. Xterra, do not take this to heart. This may not reflect the true feelings of the man that you were involved with. I know that many men out there will agree with me.

Jon

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 8:51am
That seems to have been written by a person who is full of anger and unable to see things from more than one (narrow) perspective. If affairs are only about sex then many of us can breathe a big sigh of relief and log on outta here because I know I'm not the only whose relationship didn't involve any sex at all.

Xterra - so sorry that you had to get that kind of response when you were just searching for advice. I understand how you feel - it his hard to walk away from a close emotional bond. MF and I are trying to maintain our friendship. It isn't easy. In fact, it is really darn hard. But I think it is easier for us because we don't live near each other and because there was no physical involvement. (Then again, maybe it isn't...)

I've seen you write that if something is meant to be then it will be. I agree with that. For now, please just take care of you. I think if you do that then the rest of the pieces will fall into place. Of course, it is easy for me to write that - and so hard for me to do it myself!

Hang in there.

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 10:23am
I just wanted some advice on how to save a friendship...but I guess some people do not believe that friendship can happen after an affair. I made a mistake but I don't think that I should be punished forever. You guys are great for support ... no more asking the RS. Thanks again
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 10:39am
I think the person wrote a long response and was trying to post her opinion..I don't think it's lack of help. It might not all be what the person wanted to hear, or many of us, but it was the opinion of that poster and support doesn't mean that you have someone agreeing with you..I think that the post stirs some things inside that some people are afraid to face and this makes you at least think about them..whether or not you disregard them an unapplicable to your situation is one thing, but could they be true---I think so!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 11:52am
Honestly, I thought this response was a very realistic view of many affairs. No sugar coating what-so ever. And there are definitly some points to ponder. However, I think the last statement, "Know what....YOU are what make women as a gender look userous, manipulative, insecure, needy, vicious, evil and cruel", was unnecessary and crossed the line of giving an objective opinion to personal judgement. These sorts of statements, whether the poster really thinks this or not, are definitly not helpful or supporting. But we are all entitle to our opinions and shouldn't be shocked by responses like this. Most people, including ourselves if we had never been involvemed in an affair, may have responded in kind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 2:49pm

Everyone--


Just to clarify, the 'advice' that is referenced in this thread is not from our Ask the Relationships Saver expert, Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

 

Kerri Kerr
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