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| Wed, 11-19-2003 - 11:07pm |
jmho,
Jon
See below
Look, you're living in a dream world and you need to see the facts as someone else that is removed from the situation sees it.
He was married and having an affair with you. Meaning - he was "liking the adoration and the "situation" of great sex without obligation, and no responsibilities attached" that were the dynamic of being 'involved with you".
Affairs are a vacuum environment where there is nothing but pleasing the partner sexually, adn being desired sexually and often that is misinterpreted to mean that you're liked admired, respected, accepted, and desired on more than just the sexual level.
Women are famous for this mistake....a man having an affair is having an affair with your genitalia that is enhanced by your adoration of him, and your panting desire for his genetalia inside you as evidenced by the risks that you're taking and incurring to "be with him". A man has an affair knowing he likes "the situation" not the woman per se. any woman that would go for the "admire, desire, and do me" dynamic...he's all about it. He wants great sex with no obligation....he's got obligations and living up to them at home usually with no intention of leaving, becuase he's not involved with you as a person - but with the situation itself. And the second it becomes "unfun" - the situation/mistress are DUMPED!
A woman having an affair does what she does when dating (which is why she got into an affair to begin with - she didn't know how to date and jumped into a relationship or thinks an affair is a venue to get one)....oh, he loves me, adores me, admires me, and desires me as evidenced by the pup tent in his trousers. Oh, you wonderful man, you're so wonderful I can't imagine a life without you." And immediately dismisses all factual evidence regarding "the situation" and she begins to 'date" the married man......in terms of her affection, her adoration, her fantasizing - all surrounds "more than just screwing" - while he's all about watching you deep throat and swallow and if you had a twin - he'd be twice as thrilled.
She's thrilled with "HIM"...he's thrilled with "the situation".
So, he found you as easy lay with no obligation. Yes, he might admire your mind...but what he found most attractive was your total lack of self-respect, and value oriented actions. YOu were willing to give hiim waht he wanted - sex without obligation - and he loved THAT....not you.
There's "your affair" dissected so that you can examine all the fragments and discern what is what.
Your marriage....you likely got in it for waht it offered, perhaps the emotional high of being found so desirable by your husband at the time, along with the "benefits" of the liason - things or positions you couldn't provide for yourself by your estimation. Why women "get married" is so diverse I won't go into speculation on your motivation.
But, you weren't "committed to him" as a person....as evidenced by the affair. You're emoitonally driven, factually dismissive, adn rationalizations and justifications are your modus operandi.
So, you got married because it "felt so right/good"...and you had the affair for the same "reason".
And he said "without full disclosure" (likely becuase he knew that would END any possibility of any type of reconciliation or reinstatement of the friendship - this man didn't want to lose his security, his financial stability, his resources, his family) our marriage is over (meaning your benefits, security were going to end)....knowing that once his wife knew, she'd tell her husband "what was what" that the slut he was screwing was NEVER to be in his life again in any capacity unless he wanted ot lose his 401K, his kids, his house, and his social standing, and respect of family and friends. And he'd agree, because the 'situation' is not what it once way - no obligation, easy sex with him feeling like a stud' - and the situation changed to make you a "high risk factor, with him being considered a dud of a husband, father, and person in general."
You said, I want to spare his wife gory details....BS - you wanted to appease your husband and retain your security, plus you didn't want his wife hearing all the ins and outs of your affair because if she did - you'd have NOTHING between you and the MM that was 'so private, so special" that with a little flirtation might resurrect the affair in due time.
So, you've gone and told his wife. Who's likely told him that the slut is out of his life, or his security, his position, and his family are no longer his. He won't have anything to do with you...rest assured, because what you thought of as a "great friendship that led to more" - was him "pursuing sex and willing to do some low level of "romance" (MM have a problem picking you up for dinner in a limo!) by starting up a"friendship" that was really a venue for flirtationa nd potentially no obligation sex. Hopefully you don't work together, particularly where he's above you in position - if so, expect to find yourself demoted, transferred and eventually fired. Along with other ramifications of your position, so if you work together and want more on that projection, let me know.
You want to resume the friendship, your husband is saying NEVER without a full disclosure of your whereabouts. Does he mean it...he might. He might because he might assume this MM will NEVER be permitted to contact you again so it's a non-issue and saying it makes your husband appear to be "forgiving" and "societally forward-thinking." He might really mean it.....because he intends to monitor your every move for a lifetime because he's not about to let you get out of his sight, he doesn't trust you as far as he can throw a single kleenex. Meaning that the joint accounts are closing, the ability to access his funds will be denied, his "option" to remain his wife will always be ever-present and presented to you as "I'm staying with you on a probationary period - you mess up in any way and I'm out of here, along with my security." He's assured himself of the option to divorce you on grounds of adultery....the MM wife's will attest to the affair and her knowldge of it. In some states, that'll cost you HUGE in terms of settlement should divorce come down the pike. And rest assured, lots of people know about the factthat you're emotonally driven, lacking in self-esteem, love an ego boost and have no compunction about where to get it- so you'll be getting other offers from less attractive men of "do you wanna do me too".
You're over here worried about whether you'll be able to resurrect this "great friendship" that had attraction at the core, that resulted in an affair which means "the use I have for you is sex only" in a man's definition....and on the other hand you're clinging to the life-raft of your marriage for the benefits it provides.
Know what....YOU are what make women as a gender look userous, manipulative, insecure, needy, vicious, evil and cruel.

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Cali~
Sorry Yama I thought it was you that got this response. I was kinda confused cause I thought you were male and it sounded as if she was responding to a female.
Anyway Xterra girl we love you stay here. If you need more help we are here for you whatever you need just ask.
Hugs
Cali~
Wow that was a crazy response....I think we should take away their PHD. Hopefully, they have one for going on all those tangents... the pompass ass! I think if I got that response it would actually make me feel better, because it's so insane...I'd know I was normal.. You know, I was looking on the My Affair Support the other day. It made me so sad to see how happy those people are.. and to think how eventually it will all come falling down... Because it almost always does.
Katja
Lostit
"the use I have for you is sex only" in a man's definition...
BLANKET STATEMENTS like this that may or may be true should not be made on these boards. Xterra, do not take this to heart. This may not reflect the true feelings of the man that you were involved with. I know that many men out there will agree with me.
Jon
Xterra - so sorry that you had to get that kind of response when you were just searching for advice. I understand how you feel - it his hard to walk away from a close emotional bond. MF and I are trying to maintain our friendship. It isn't easy. In fact, it is really darn hard. But I think it is easier for us because we don't live near each other and because there was no physical involvement. (Then again, maybe it isn't...)
I've seen you write that if something is meant to be then it will be. I agree with that. For now, please just take care of you. I think if you do that then the rest of the pieces will fall into place. Of course, it is easy for me to write that - and so hard for me to do it myself!
Hang in there.
GB2
Everyone--
Just to clarify, the 'advice' that is referenced in this thread is not from our Ask the Relationships Saver expert, Dr. Brenda Shoshanna
Kerri Kerr
Sr. Community Moderator
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