a warped mindset

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
a warped mindset
8
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 11:51am
Here I am, reading all of these posts. Everyone striving to make NC for different reasons. Different reasons for getting involved in the A in the first place. For me, the addiction to the excitement, the drama, the unknown, the potential sex. It's been 3 months and all I can think about is putting myself in a position to "run into" the single OM again. I just read about consequences and someone said it takes severe consequences and learning from them in order to not repeat the action. I was caught by my H. I hurt him so bad. I never want to see him cry or hurt like that again. He vows to leave me if I ever do anything like this again and promises to make my life miserable. We're healing--some of the time. Then, like last night, I have such resentment towards him--he's drinking too much for me, the smell of wine and beer--he's not violent, he's a wonderful father and provider, but I HATE that--I hate it when he slurs and leaves me in the house, alone to take care of everything, while he's outside enjoying himself--alone. It just makes me want to see the OM--the guy that was the total opposite of that. Why must I sacrifice my lust, when my H can't sacrifice his drinking for me? It's one in the same, in my mind. It's not bad enough to leave, but a lot of the time, I feel so empty at home, and long for something else. No, I don't want to be single, go to bars, be a single mom--I just want a little piece of happiness and excitment--which is what was happening with the OM. Now it's over, and none of the longing to see him is going away. Last night I fantasized about how I could email him, just to see how he's doing. Nothing is really changing in my marriage---old habits die hard, but I'm trying. Trying to be good. My weakness is the excitement, the drama. I wasn't careful and I have so much regret about getting caught. I have some guilt about the pain I caused, but it's not the same as the regret I have about not being able to see the OM anymore. I guess I am lonely, a sociopath, with no conscience. Honestly, the OM had qualities that would get on my nerves after a while. Not a very good dresser, says some goony things, but my physical attraction to him is so strong. Today is not a good day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 3:02pm

TD,

Did your husband drink before the affair? Do you think he has a drinking problem? Have you 2 sat down and talked about this? It sounds like you have much bigger problems going on here than just the affair stuff. I'm guessing that hubby is drowning his pain with alcohol, and you are running away from facing his drinking problem through fantacizing about the XOM. Are you and hubby in counseling? If not, I hope you will consider it because I see all kinds of red flags here signaling a marriage in crisis.

Both of you are stuffing your head in the sand hoping the other one will take care of business, AND neither one of you are in an emotionally stable place. Time for some intervention. You two need to sit down and have a nice long conversation, (with lot's of coffee brewing!) JMHO!

Peace,

**Id**




Edited 1/20/2005 3:03 pm ET ET by id_diosyncrity

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 4:36pm
Id,
Oh, his drinking has been a source of strife in our R for years. When my A started, it was like I was exhausted, tired of dealing with the attempts to control him and make him into what I thought he should be. OM was the total opposite and was such a good listener, so attractive, that I basically lost my head and being able to purge and have someone acutally listen, it was like hitting an oasis when you're stuck in the desert. The problem is that my H could be classified as a "binge drinker" and when he drinks too much, he's a "happy drunk". He's accomplished so much, great employee, never late for work, completed two Masters degrees and everyone loves him and wants to be around him--including the OM. He is in no way abusive. He's very laid back and everyone wants to be his friend. He knows how the drinking has affected me over the years. He makes promises that he will try to control it. I finally gave up, resigned to the fact he's not going to change, that I must stay married to him b/c of our children, and the fact that I do love him. He's my best friend. I even told him years ago that i would prefer he cheat on me than drink like he does, were i to have the choice. Instead, I sought a reprieve outside the marriage. Now it seems I'm being the good girl and he's going back to his old ways. Yes, there are deep seeded issues in my marriage. I don't know what pain he is trying to drown out, b/c the drinking is nothing new. We went to counseling right after the crisis of the A was discovered. Funny thing, my H is in the process of becoming a therapist---can you belive it? The marriage counselor basically asked him to make a pact to "control" his drinking habits, say not having more than 4 an evening. Well, he can control for a time, once he went a whole year without drinking, but it always returns the same old feelings as before.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 5:31pm

Dat

Cheating does not fix the marriage it only ends up makeing things worse, in my opinion it is better to seperate and force the marrige issues to be addressed then to cheat, give your husband the option of D or AA not getting drunk well your screwing around on him.

YOU CANNOT CONTROL YOUR HUSBAND, the most you can do is to put him in a position were he has to choose his marriage and family or the bottle.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 7:33pm

Datty:
<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>

Please, re-read my post if you hafta. That is not what I meant. You are dealing with an entirely different situation with your husband's drinking. Your unhappiness is not soley from guilt re: the affair. You need to tell him what you posted here (i think). That the drinking is very similar to your going out and having an affair as far as being hurtful to your marrriage! YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE WILLING TO DO THE WORK (and I really see that in your post...that you are so willing to try).

Al-Anon (yes even if you don't think he is an alcoholic...YOUR limits to how he smells, drinks etc...are just that..YOUR LIMITS...and whatever they are seem to be important to you so much that its causing problems).

My brother tried to stop drinking, his wife said "well i dont have to, i want to have a beer every once in a while". Well although "true" one shouldn't have to give up things for other people when they don't have a problem...but i say the must be a problem if she was unwilling to simpley give it up and do without around him. Doesn't sound very supportive...why have a spouse if they are not supportive. Your husband may have supported you in stopping the A.

To me, what you may need to do is try to make your husband see how is drinking affects you. Tell him how attractive and exciting he is sober. ( or something similar..ya know..Postive reinforcement but make this important)Go get support on your own if you must. But do all of this out of love but firm. Go to a place that is safe and peaceful and look him right in the eye. Crossroad time. Some men's primal instinct is to fix a problem. Tell him he is your man. You want him to be the one that you want to create excitement and drama with. That you miss him which is why you feel alone. That he is wonderful father and provider and that you are grateful for it and don't take it for granted (because your post sure seems like you dont).

I certainly am not an expert..don't know...I hope this helps you...but i sho' dont want you thinking you are a sociopath without a concious....SO NOT!OK??!!! Re-read your own post..its so clear to me that you are a very concientious (spell) person. Sociopaths wouldnt post to a support board with any sincerity lol...literally means "psychopaths".
Chin up and gut sucked in girl!
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 7:47pm

Dat: I wrote before I read the responses (yours and others). i see that this is not a new situation. Your heart is huge. I still stand by what i said but have to agree with Free that it needs to perhaps be more firm than what I said about "doing it in love" (by confronting him softly).

If soft and encouraging approach didn't budge him...he needs to face HIS consequence level. I do think however that having another affair on him is not the consequence that will work for either one of you. It will not make him miss out what he loves or aspires to. IMO It would only serve to show him a lack of authenticity to your word. "See...i knew she would/she she lied to me/see she didn't mean it."
Two wrongs don't make a right . It would only be a temporary fix to your frustration.

Youve already proven how strong you realllly are (i can see it). If you think there is hope...then grab onto that hope and use it to strengthen you and show him the consequences.
Al-Anon can help you or perhaps the therapist. This to me is much like a medical crisis. We'd go get medical help wouldn't we? You need strength and he needs to know he is a great guy without alcohol so why need it. Easier said than done. But doable as long as you have a feeling of hope. Only you really know how YOU feel.
::::::::::Hugs::::::::::
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 4:02am
counseling for both of you and AA or something for him to stop drinking. He is an alcoholic - a binge alcholic. So many are functioning alcoholics - my father and 2 of my five brothers.
The desire to drink when things aren't going well are overwhelming for the person, such as myself and family, to turn to alcohol - it's a release and an escape - it takes a lot of willpower to say no when I'm stressed. I could have easily become an alcoholic and druggie with the fella I had an affair with 14 years ago - he was 10 years older and was an alcoholic. We did a lot of drinking and drugs, had great sex and a lot of fun together. I ended it because I knew it would ruin my life. Please get help for yourself and urge your hubby to also.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 11:53am
Everything you've said is sooo true. Sometimes, I feel like "too little, too late". Do you know what I mean? I know it is about my limits and I guess I should respect that about myself, but I feel like some of the problem is that he is so good at convincing me what a "true alcoholic" is. It's awful. I'm the social work field and actually have a minor in alc/sub abuse, so this is nothing new. It's just that i feel our situation is not "textbook". You know, I picture us as so high-functioning and he makes me feel like I'm making too big a deal out of it. I know my reaching out to the OM was an attempt to find some solace in our screwed up marriage. I have so much residual guilt for the OM. He really did like my H and has even attempted to see him again. It's so sad, b/c I really think he feels bad about the whole thing. It started out so therapeutic, and then there was the attraction, and that brought out a whole new set of feelings, curiousities, and so on. I've tried so many approaches with my H--"after we have kids, and if this is going on, i'm leaving....I'm not raising my children in a home where we fight about drinking all the time." Well, here we are two kids later. I've begged, pleaded, screamed, insulted, said horrible critical things to him--all attempts to change the messed up cycle of our marriage----when things are good, they are good....when they are bad, they are really bad. I even thought of having some sort of controlled separation where we keep things congenial--just a month maybe and he (and I) can see what it would be like and the changes we need to make. We're so enmeshed sometimes. I feel like I've compromised so many things about myself---I also failed to mention he was an avid pot smoker---but has since removed that from the home. Now, I'm struggling with it---loved pot and the way it made me feel. However, don't think i would ever gotten into that whole scene, had it not been for my H's influence. The lines are so blurred for me b/c of all of his success--he's just not typical, and I feel like I'm trying to "rain on his parade". It's almost like, if we were to completely remove substance from our life, we wouldn't know what to do with ourselves. Totally messed up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 7:24pm

Dat

>>"I've begged, pleaded, screamed, insulted, said horrible critical things to him--all attempts to change the messed up cycle of our marriage"<<

What Consequences/Price has he had to face/pay if he wants the DRUGS in his life, if none then what are his motivations to change....When your a JUNKIE regardless of the drug you do not stop until the price gets high enough to move you.

He may not understand but the A was such a price but it was a price your children would have had to pay for in the end.

Free