was doing well..now i'm not

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
was doing well..now i'm not
3
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 6:33pm
Hi all, hope everyones doing good.

Me? I was doing great. H and I getting on better than ever. He even bought me flowers today which he hasn't done in years. I had been continuing with NC and feeling really positive until last night.

I went to see a friend of mine who has just had a baby and OM was there (so much for NC!)

Had a nice evening. Everything seemed to be going well and although I hadn't planned trying out the 'just friends' thing quite so soon, I managed it reasonably well.

There was a few sticky moments. Went out into the garden for a cigarette and he joined me. He saw that I was cold and gave me his sweater. I didn't know what to do! I decided that if it was another friend I would have said okay so I wore it. The whole time thinking that I could smell him on it and then when I gave it back, I thought (rather smugly) that it would smell like me. Not good I know!

I had to keep reminding myself not to sit so close to him and not to touch him all the time like I would have during the A. It took alot of concentration.

When it was time for me to go home, I said my goodbyes and told them that I was going to get the train home. He said that it was far to late to get the train (it was 23.00) and that he would give me a ride home.

I felt like I should've said no but my other friend was there and she would have thought that I was nuts to turn down an offer of a ride to get the train in the cold so I accepted. I called up H (he was at work) and told him that I was getting a ride home.

On our way, he told me that he was glad that we were still friends. I told him that I was worrried that we would be un-able to after all that had happened and he said that it hadn't changed our friendship from his point of view and that he considered me one of his best friends.

When we arrived at my house he smiled his very best smile and said...

"this will be the first time in months that you walk through your door and not feel guilty. You wont have to worry or lie. You wont have anything to feel bad about."

It was true. It was so very true.

We hugged. A big hug and I felt like he was my friend again. He laughed and said that I would never have hugged him outside of my house during the A. And it was true, I was hugging him now and not caring what the nieghbours saw or if H arrived home at that very minute. I was hugging him because it was guilt free and because thats what friends do.

And so I walked through that door and looked back to see him driving away and I felt a little sad. It was good while it lasted.

H came home and I looked him in the eye and for the first time in months told him all about my evening. No lies, no guilt.

I'm not missing the sex with OM. I dont miss the way he would spoil me. All I miss is the hugs. Is that so bad?

I dont know what all this means. I dont know if I did the right or wrong things that night. I dont know what OM thinks right now. I just want my friend back.

feeling sad and happy, not sure why.

need you guys!

m x

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 7:48pm

Hey Cocktail!


I wish I had some great advice for you. I really just want you to know that I think you're doing pretty damn well. You didn't cave, you didn't pour your heart out to him, you made the best of a tough situation and got through it. I would try to steer clear of him for a while anyway, since you are having these feelings. You never know when temptation will strike at the same time you're having a weak moment. (Unfortunatley I've learned THAT one from experience!)


Anyway, stay strong, Cocktail! We're here for you!


Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 8:00pm
thankyou lily,

Yes, I'm going to try and keep some distance between us. OM has been so kind about ending it and I guess It just stirs up feelings for him again. I kind of expected him to be angry about me cutting off IC. As always he's sincere, sweet and going along with what I want.

It's so,so, hard and at the same time it's a relief.

And you! you are always so kind and cheerful to everyone in your posts. I'm not sure of whats going on in your situation. I just hope that all is going well for you and that you are happy.

Thanks so much, I really needed some kind words.

m x.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 8:02pm
WmcT

I agree with Lily.

If your going to try being friends there has to be clear boundries that can not be crossed or moved for any reason, XOM has to be totally willing to support you 100 percent in this even when your feeling weak and may for a short while want to change your mind, THAT IS THE MARK OF A TRUE FRIEND that and nothing less.

I suggest keeping contact limited no more then you would have with any other casual male friend, no alone time ever, and no drinking with him.

Good luck

Free