Was it a love affair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Was it a love affair?
22
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 8:15am

I am feeling rather fortunate--and sometimes even a little guilty--that my A was LD and it was not a "love" affair. Sure we were fond of one another, but we never professed anything more than that to each other. It was escape, it was excitement, it was sex, it was a power game--and yes, it was fun. I knew from the beginning that there was absolutely no where for this A to go, yet I indulged anyway. Foolish, selfish girl. My hurt is genuine, but it

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 8:42am

Very very interesting....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2010
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 8:52am

Hey Always...


ONCE AGAIN... your post resonates my words so well. I honestly relate to your posts so often because you sound like me, and your A describes so much of what mine was like too. There was no "love" A here. and I certainly am in pain more because of the "addiction" ending and the "disgust" in myself and what I have done. I asked about this same thing a while back because, like you, I can only imagine a fraction of the pain you ladies must

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 9:06am

Alwayst2,
I feel the same way. Add those who have to suffer through LC, too. I really feel for those ladies. I feel lucky-ish that that is not me and my heart breaks for the pain they are going through.

My A was not super-duper sappy. I love yous were exchanged occasionally but we both knew that they were an expression of deep caring and affection more than a declaration of true, deep and abiding love. We never fooled ourselves into thinking there was a future and even called our A a "band-aid". Ironically, we were pragmatic even in the throws of the A. I'm really glad I didn't have to mourn the loss of a dreamed-up future with X, and even more relieved that I didn't have to deal with feeling like a fool who'd been duped by a sociopath, or worse, myself. It's bad enough that I was a fool who believed my lies, but they were relatively limited in scope. Like, Lynn, I didn't want to feel like a whore -- so I made the A R more than it was in my heart and mind to justify my behavior. I massaged the R into existence. I spent a lot of time making a sand castle to hide in, and we all know how well sand castles stand the test of time and the elements. Still, I always felt that this castle was damp, gritty, uncomfortable and smelled like fish pee.

Kudos to all the enders who have had the strength to pull themselves up and out of the depths of A's that were the worst of the worst. We all have tough rows to hoe, but deserve a little extra love and support.

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 9:11am

I always felt that this castle was damp, gritty, uncomfortable and smelled like fish pee.>


Oh, Dee....do you ever quit?? I love your outlook on life and the way you express it!!


~alwayst2

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 9:15am

100000% love affair for me. Soulmates. I wanted the whole nine yards, the picket fence, the fairy tale ending. I bought into it hook, line and sinker (hmmm, how many more sayings can I use?...)

Disclaimer: I know the the root of all affairs is dishonesty, so don't hold me accountable for what I am about to say - I absolutely know that MM could be the pig of all pigs and a could have lied to me about everything.

We talked about the "type of relationship" both of us wanted a lot. And (get ready for eye roll) honesty was the center (read disclaimer). It's what he wanted more than anything. MM is surrounded by people who tell him what he wants to hear. W is a liar (again, read disclaimer above). MM never put her down - it was all just simply stated. We didn't fantasize constantly. Actually both of us have just been trying to survive for years now because of the unhealthy environment. I made it easy for him not to "show" me how he really feels. I own that.

I find it hard to believe that I was used for sex or just as the plaything on the side. I think (again, read disclaimer) that he wants what we have talked about but is a coward. Can't bring himself to get the big D. The reason he gives is his kids (4, all grown). "Cake eater"? Yes. "Calculating" one? I really don't think so.

I've thought before that I could just have a "fun" thing with him like Alwayst2. A little afternoon delight in my office. But it's not possible. I am seeing things differently these past several days. Still reading a lot on toxic relationships. I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe the reason he came into my life was to give me the courage to get out of a M that wasn't right for me and to help me realize everything I want in a R. I still want EVERYTHING we talked about. I just have to get comfortable with the fact that it will be with someone else.

Thanks for the thought provoking post Always :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 9:43am

I am so glad you wrote this post. I too, am so proud of the ladies on this board who have decided to not allow themselves to be use. I came accross a little harsh in another post but by no means do I take lightly the pain that the amazing women on this board are going through. My A was also no feelings, just filthy, disgustingly, dumb but hot S. I knew he was using me and I was using him. I am also disgusted at my behavior back then. If I could tell you some stories about the stupid things I did sexually with this man and you could actually see me you would never believe I was even capable of doing such naughty things. I was a real peace of work.


I'm so sad to admit this but my A was about power. I wanted to concquer which is so dumb, dumb, dumb now that I look back at it. It was really ashame how I would leave my boys soccer game and do all these wild things and come back to pick them up like it was nothing. Nope, I can't judge anyone (UGH).


I have to add the fact that once I returned to pick my boys up after one of our

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 9:51am

My A was a super charged "love" affair. Though, now, 147 days out, I know that it had nothing to do with love. I truly believed that I loved xap and could not live without him. I thought that when my love for him died, I would die. Love for him has died... I live on.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 10:07am

Mine was a love affair, however, there was incredible chemistry between us but never sex. A whole other story about that. It was an affair built around 200 + texts from him a week, a few phone calls and perhaps once or twice meeting a week from up to an hour. There were emails toward the end of it, but mostly texts. He was romantic and had never really experienced that before with H. (My H is a good man, good provider, great dad, but works a ton and I'm last on the list for love and attention.)

xAP told I was his soulmate, that he had never loved like this before, he asked me to marry him a dozen times. He said he wanted a life with me, we finished each other's sentences, were the same age, same religion, same hobbies, so really thought I had found the 'one'.

Ahhhh, yeah I found the one who lied about it all, ran back to his wife and is a coward. Feel stupid I was so gullible.

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 10:18am

Dee,


Like, Lynn, I didn't want to feel like a whore -- so I made the A R more than it was in my heart and mind to justify my behavior. I massaged the R into existence. I spent a lot of time making a sand castle to hide in, and we all know how well sand castles stand the test of time and the elements. Still, I always felt that this castle was damp, gritty, uncomfortable and smelled like fish pee.


WOW!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 10:28am
yeah, I know, right? It's like we just keep settling for less and less and less out of desperation and fear. Just goes to show that happiness is something that is found within, not from anyone else.

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