Was it a love affair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Was it a love affair?
22
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 8:15am

I am feeling rather fortunate--and sometimes even a little guilty--that my A was LD and it was not a "love" affair. Sure we were fond of one another, but we never professed anything more than that to each other. It was escape, it was excitement, it was sex, it was a power game--and yes, it was fun. I knew from the beginning that there was absolutely no where for this A to go, yet I indulged anyway. Foolish, selfish girl. My hurt is genuine, but it

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 1:07pm

Alwayst,


My apologies for not being around this morning and go figure, EAS has been hopping.

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 2:12pm

In my mind and in my heart it was a love affair. I was so in love with my XAP I couldn't even think straight half the time. He was on my mind 100% of the time. During the three years, if we didn't see each other every day we at least spoke to each other over the phone. Every day. For three years. We never ended a conversation without an "I love you" exchange. We talked about what kind of house we would buy, what kind of vacations we would take, where we would live "if we were married." He wrote me the sweetest things I have ever read and spoke to me the sweetest words I have ever heard.

Yep, thought I was in love with him. I feel so duped, so ashamed, so used.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 5:03pm

Oh yeah, a love affair indeed. Big time. The violins played, the lights twinkled, there was magic in the air. Ha !!!

We were long distance, but still had 3 days together every 6 weeks or so, for 3 years, then the 4th year, I worked to end it.

For over 30 years I idolized this man. He was the one in college that got away. I had him on a pedestal and never, ever forgot him. Fast forward 30 yrs., found each other through email and the affair began 3 mos afterwards with us meeting out of town. The second night together we professed our long lost love for each other and we were off to the races for the next 4 yrs. There were "I love you's" constantly. You are my soulmate. You are my precious thing, I adore you. We are perfect together, we fit. This is not fair, we deserve to be together. Why did we go our separate ways in college???
The drama and sappy words flowed like wine. We shared everything with each other. I knew everything about his marriage, him mine, he told me everything about his job, his employees, his friends and family. His bank account, health... we talked about everything!! We both felt very comfortable with each other. He pressed me to leave my H. I knew in my heart I couldn't, but I did mull the idea around in my heart for a long time. I knew he loved his wife and would never leave her. He wanted me to divorce and move to his city. We talked about it a lot. Honestly, I think he just wanted to see if he "had me", he'd die if I ever would have gone through with it. We talked about vacations and housing. We discussed our kids and how to include them in our lives. We talked about money (mostly him using mine). He wanted me to be on his arm for business events, his wife rarely went with him. He said we were compatible in every way and being together would be so easy. Like I said, the words just flowed like wine !! Our emails were often about as sappy as you can get. I think we both got hooked on the drama of it all. I know I am embarrassed as hell about what I said to him. He always told me he meant everything he ever said to me. Yeah right. He told me often our love was real. Take away the fact our relationship was an affair, I have to say as much as the guy irked me, we did have fun. The romance was the stuff of novels. But it was all fake and based in our own little affair world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 10:37pm

CSN,

Like you - in MY heart, and in MY mind, it was 100% love. I needed it to be love. I even prayed for it to be love. There was no way it could be a sleezy affair.

But, after the fog began to lift, I realized that it was all a fantasy, created in my mind, fueled by amazing sex and that's pretty much all we had going for us.

*sigh* I'm so ashamed.

-Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 9:14am

Angel,


I couldn't have summarized my A better myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 6:37pm

Love Affair - replete with planned dday to leave.

We both fell hard and fell fast.

I love you's were exchanged frequently; along with all the other endearments of love. Dinner with mom even. Spent tonnes of time together alone - sometimes as much as 30 hours a week alone in our office. For almost two years. Totally obsessed.

In the end I believe he used me to bolster his academic possibilities. I believe he used my intelligence and didn't know how else to ensure a steady supply of me without keeping me hooked on false promises of better times ahead. He even asked me once near the end (once I had ended the affair the 1st time) why we couldn't just be really good friends who could sleep together when we wanted.

What a jack - a$$

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 11:12am

what a great thread-i just discovered it.l i've been very active on EAS the past 24 hrs since i've been having a bit of a hard time, and its so helpful to be here.

i guess im wondering whether you guys think a love affair can really be born under circumstances of constant deceit and lies? what do you think? for me, it was not a love affair. i love my xAP, but i was never in love wit hhim and never had anything intention of leaving my H for him. for him, that wasn't the case. he felt that i was his other half, and he was absolutely ready to leave his wife and little daughter for the chance of a life with me. i guess for me, i always thought that his feelings weren't real, that he was jsut so desperate for something good in his life that he was clinging to me and our A. i couldn't help but doubt his feelings, although he insisted that they were true. he certainly behaved like a man in love with me, while i always tried to keep my cool and use my head. to me, it was a great friendship between 2 people with a LOT in common, one of those things being feeling really alone, and feeling like we were the only two interesting people on the planet in a world of conformist squares whose obsession with "the right thing" prevented them from really taking joy out of life. that friendship included some of the BEST sex i've ever had, so that's a perk. it included mutual respect, care, affection, desire to support one another. but...not like what i feel for my H.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 12:13pm

I think love is relative and ever-changing. I used to love candy corn when I was a kid, now it makes me sick. In terms of affairs, it's different for everyone - I've read stories like yours, where it's more about excitement or fun and I've read stories like mine, where there is a feeling of deep emotion. To answer your question, I think that "true" love - whatever that is - can only happen between two people who are available. One my old therapists used to say that love is "to know and to be known".

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 1:11pm

I guess if we're going to figure out whether or not is was a "love" a affair, we first have to figure out what love is. I'm a cynic. The only true love I've ever known or fully believe in is the love I feel for my children. I might be a cynic, but all other love grows or fades exponentially depending on if the relationship is filling a selfish need or want. My definition of love is, "my happiness is contingent on yours." So, sure... I felt lovey feelings for X - affection and warmth... but would I sacrifice my happiness for him. No f*cking way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 1:57pm
I have never felt more "in-love" with anybody else in my life. I connected with him on every single level. I am more than a year out, the fog has cleared, I am happy in my life with my H. I am safe, secure and content and I "love" my H and the history we have together. However, I will dream of the love I shared with xap for the rest of my life. That is just how I feel.
AAI