Was it real?
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Was it real?
| Thu, 06-02-2005 - 3:08pm |
That is something for me that no matter where I go in life, how happy I am or what I do, I will wonder about.
| Thu, 06-02-2005 - 3:08pm |
That is something for me that no matter where I go in life, how happy I am or what I do, I will wonder about.
Hi railbunny,
As I could have written your post word for word, I cannot tell you why these guys do the things they do. I struggle with the same exact issues you do.
But I can tell you something that may make you feel a little better. Was it real - your feelings, love, hope, emotions? Yes. It was real like this: when I was 25 I was engaged to a man I had dated for 6 years - a man I thought I wanted all my life - when 6 months before the wedding, I shared a cab home with a guy from my company who I barely knew but harbored a secret crush on me. He confided the crush and I told him I was taken, almost married. A week later I saw him walking ahead of me on the street and it was like a cinderblock fell on my head. Out of nowhere, I was massively, incredibley in love like never before - but this time - so was he. I broke off my engagement and we got together and it was the most magical romance I and he have ever had. Flash forward 7 years and he is now my exhusband of one year. So was it real? Or was it an illusion? Lets face it - ANY romance where two people have the same feelings at the same time can be explosive, magical, incrediblely overwhelming feelings of love, happiness and joy. The difference between that romance and the one which you and I struggle to rid ourselves of is that the normal progression never happened where our feelings would have normally cooled off some - instead the intensity increased and we were left wanting more. I guarantee you that if both of us got these guys, the little things would drive you nuts just as they did with our exhusbands. Maybe we would have gone from bad to worse. For all you know, you may have been protected from a worse marriage.
I don't have an easy answer but thats how I try to think of it.
Ivy
wow Ivy - that is VERY powerful! So much of what you wrote is what I believe about ALL relationships... my girlfriends who have married saying "I can't imagine life without him - he is my soul mate - there is NO doubt in my mind we are meant to be together" and then 2 years later I'm holding their hand during the divorce. I'll be 29 in 9 days and while the thought of being single and 29 bothers me I've never allowed that initial passion of a relationship to lead me into a marriage that is ONLY based on the initial passion!
And as you mentioned in your post... these As didn't START like a normal relationship, they don't exist in normal relationship capacities and unfortunately they aren't able to end like normal relationships and therefore we can be left like railbunny STILL wondering after YEARS have gone by. I had hope that after I got over this - years down the road I wouldn't still be haunted - but seeing Railbunny's post worries me... I've had such a hard time with getting over it and have even spent time worrying about future issues lingering from the A and it appears my fears are warranted! :(
Although I've asked that SAME question "was it real" over and over and over again - to EVERYONE including my exMM and DESPERATELY want to believe it was real... my initial thought when reading your post and your desire to hear a yes was... NO... I'm sorry but HOW can any relationship that exists within the context we allowed these relationships to exist in BE real? Were OUR feelings real? Yes I do believe you and I know what WE felt for these exMM's was VERY real! But can we even begin to believe what they felt for us was real? Unfortunately no... because if it was... wouldn't they want to be with us no matter the cost? would they want to spend one waking moment NOT in or apart of our life? NO - and therefore what they felt might have been good and kind but NOT real! AND not only that but... it wasn't real because we only experienced a PART of being in each other's lives... and not a very real or realistic part... it was a hidden... pushed together in secrecy... no need to argue with each other because we were arguing FOR each other... we didn't have to deal with what his wife was dealing with wondering WHERE he was those hours he was with us... we didn't have to deal with the fact that he lays in bed at night after having had romantic, passionate sex with us earlier... eating his potato chips and letting out a big ole fart... we didn't have to deal with the fact that he could never seem to remember to pick up a gallon of milk on the way home after he finished off the one in the fridge that morning.
ETC ETC ETC
And when it ended... it hurt like hell - I KNOW I'm still in the hell - desperately trying to get out - but it hurt because he SEEMS like a fantasy - he seems like this WONDERFUL guy that loves us - and why shouldn't he... he's not really responsible to us... he doesn't feel a burden to love us... he loves us because he wants to - when he wants to - how he wants to - etc. he doesn't HAVE to come home to us - he doesn't HAVE to check in with us to see if Friday night is a good night to "go out with his buddies" (code for "I'm gonna hook up with my AP who will gladly give it up and even blow me!!!!" something wifey doesn't want to do because when doing his laundry she sees the inside of his whitey tighties - that he DOESN'T wear when meeting us!)
We feel like we are losing this GREAT guy and while I do still feel my exMM was great - and I'm sure you do to... even after thinking some of this makes sense and is probably true... he's just another guy... and as Ivy said... "you may have been protected from a worse marriage" because we would have been with him 24/7 and not the 3 or 4 fantasy hours we were allotted as AP; and as much as we try to disagree... the passion... the initial he's so perfect for me and we are so in love WOULD HAVE rubbed off... for some not as much as others - but SOME for all!!!!!!!!!
Anyway... I've gone on and on and my cube mates have even said something about how much I'm typing so I better shuttie! :p
And trust me THIS post is a HUGE accomplishment for me! :p
Hope you (and inadvertently I) can learn to let go of what was and no longer feel a need to question was it real... or any of the other whys or hows! ;)
XOXO
Please don't let my post frighten you.
Ivy,
this...is....a.....great....thread....thank you all for being so generous with your thoughts in such an articulate way...
...just had to say...
The emotions the affair stirred up are very real. They can bring out a side of us that even we never knew we had.
**Terri**