That was unexpected

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2012
That was unexpected
9
Mon, 05-12-2014 - 11:14am

Hello,

I guess this is the best place to post, although I don't know if a ONS counts as an A, or if me being separated at the time makes it infidelity, but I feel like I need someone's perspective.

I have been flirting with someone for a few months. My M was falling apart, and it was a nice distraction while that was going on. The OM was very careful not to get involved with a MW, so he would flirt, but go no further. The day I filed papers to make my separation legal, he jumped on his chance. But the whole act of sex with him was really strange and confusing. He seemed to want it and not at the same time. He kept going soft, and he seemed like he thought he was doing me some huge favor. It was a lot of work, and I got very little out of it. Which I know is not my fault because I am experimental and bendy. ;-) Anyway, I was trying not to judge him too harshly. It isn't like I'm some heartless woman who doesn't understand that that sort of thing happens sometimes. But then, once it was over, it was like I couldn't leave fast enough. Not a hug or kiss or see you later or anything at all.

So...I was thinking, maybe he was embarassed? So I went to see him last night to make sure we were cool and he didn't have regrets, and he kept making comments like he thought I was coming back for more and totally obsessed with him. He wouldn't come near me. He told me I was drunk (I wasn't) and needed to go home. And that he needed sleep.

Clearly I am totally done with this guy. I don't need to be treated like that. But...ouch. It was pretty harsh. Was it guilt? Embarassment? Disgust? Why would he treat me like that? 

 

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 05-12-2014 - 11:48am

Hi Nsdk

I haven't a clue about his behavior.  Trying to figure him out is a waste of time really because you'll never know unless you ask him and even then you might not get a straight answer.  Sometimes it's not even about us. 

I'd chock it up to two people who hadn't really made a good enough connection emotionally to be carried over into the sack.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2012
Mon, 05-12-2014 - 1:36pm

Thanks for the reply. I have never experienced anything like that before, so I guess I'm confused. I'm reviewing my performance, trying to figure out when I could have turned him off. I've never had someone act like he never wanted to see me again, so I worry it is me. This is my first time with anyone but my H since before he and I started dating, but I didn't think the rules had changed so much. Acting like you care about the other person as a human being is suddenly a turn off? Acting ashamed and avoiding each other is expected? Since when? I've had plenty of ONS in the past, and I never treated anyone that way and I've never been treated that way. It's just weird to me.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 05-12-2014 - 1:53pm

I am with Clarity, this was just one of those odd things that sometimes happen.  

I know it is sometimes hard to know which board to post on, also.  :)  Keep lurking around until you find the one that seems to feel right.  

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 05-12-2014 - 11:42pm

Many men are nervous the first time, and I don't see that as unusual at all.  Also, he was "very careful" not to be involved with a married woman.  Maybe all he wanted was an on line flirtation, and thought you were a "safe" married woman, and you surprised him by suddenly separating.  You say he "jumped on his chance"......how?  Wanted to see you immediately?  Did you initiate it by making an offer?  In any case, he had a "failure", and it was a lot of hard work for you, but he acted as though he was doing you a favor.  I'm reading it like he never really expected anything more than an on line flirtation, but you were suddenly available, and he had to make a move or be exposed as a player.  If a man really wants sex, unless he has a known problem, there is very little the woman can do to ruin it, or to enhance it.  In this case, I doubt it had anything to do with you other than maybe he just wasn't expecting it to come to that......then, nervous or not, he tried to play the "big man".  Of course there will be nothing further between you, and I don't think it matters why it happened, it just did.  Time to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2012
Tue, 05-13-2014 - 11:09am
Thanks for the reply. It was never "online". We know each other from real life. We hang out at the same place. And I made no offer. He was the one who started pursuing me. When he found out I was in a rocky marriage, he kept his distance. We would flirt a little, but he was always sure never to cross the line. The day I filed, I went to have celebratory drinks. He was there, and I told him, and he was so excited, he bought my drinks. There was no doubt in my mind that he had been waiting for me to file before sealing the deal. He was very determined to make "it" happen. There was nothing that made me think he was hesitant in any way. In fact, he gave me the feeling that he had been looking forward very much to it. And beforehand he was always asking what would happen "after", like he was worried I was going to use him. Maybe it was a mind game.I don't know. But he seemed genuinely worried about me using him. So now...I feel used and don't know why.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 05-13-2014 - 1:28pm

Everyone is different, so you just happened to find someone who acted differently than those you were with before. I would not read much into it. Sexual pleasure is mostly in the mind and what happened may have nothing to do with you. He got distracted, he was thinking of something else suddenly, he got nervous with first-time-with-you jitters. It seems the very basis of a ONS is teo people using each other in a sense. So I don't know why anyone would get a negative feeling about being used in that scenario. Yes someone could act like an ass, or cold, indifferent afterwords, and you can just chalk that up to bad behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2012
Wed, 05-14-2014 - 11:51am
Maybe it was nerves. You may be right. I'm so baffled by him. I was thinking he just never wants to see me again, so I was planning to avoid him for a while. And then yesterday I was driving along, and he spotted me, pulled over and flagged me down to say "hi". That was it. Just "hi". I wasn't sure how to respond, so I looked at him like he was insane. I swear I really thought it was "over".
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 05-14-2014 - 1:51pm

Just a 'hi' is hardly an invitation to carry on and probably the usual greeting anyone would say when passing by.

But it doesn't really matter as you said you were clearly done with this guy.  

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 05-15-2014 - 2:50pm

  There are a lot of different issues.  Most men have performance problems mostly from thinking too much.  Once they lose confidence it is more difficult.  The first couple of times are not usually mind blowing anyway.    Just from the tone of your post it seem that your ego became involved.    Men do not take hints.  You need to talk directly.  If you want sex then say so.  You may need to teach and seduce.  A man's mind must be on the sex and only the sex.  After a session that performance issues arise then regaining confidence and you helping him gain confidence.  like Pavlov's experiments remember praise ,praise reinforcement.

dragowoman