Wasted six years

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
Wasted six years
8
Wed, 08-15-2012 - 8:02am

Good Morning,

Here is a saga I must tell! I have wasted almost 6 years of my life on this A

I am a married women in my fifties and I should know better. My A is with a neighbor where we used to live. We had mutual friends and social activities. I even went to church with their family. In a way I stalked them after we started the A. I tried to break it off  while we were there but the physical and mental pain was too much. I tried to kill myself at one point was in the hospital with the REAL crazy people. Did this stop me...NO.  I convinced my H to moved away but we had to short sell our house so I pay the bank money on a loan every month for 15 years because of the A.  You would think I would stop. NO!

So the A continues. This A was nothing but sex. There was no real relationship.  Oh we'd say that we loved each other but only after having sex.The places we went to be together were so horrible none of you can imagine. Let's just put it this way, you pay by the hour and they are mostly frequented by hookers, gay men and once I even saw a transvestite. This is a funny part. One of the motels cost 20 dollars an hour. He had given his daughter the last of his cash so he brought a bag of quarters to pay. OMG!!!!!!!!!

The affair continues. I can only call him certain times of the day or he will call me. We don't text or email. I hide my ups and down from my H.

Three years ago I tried killing myself again. This time I was closer to death than the first time. Spend another week in the hospital, took meds went to counseling thought I would bet better. NOPE. The A continued.

 I go through periods of everything being fine in my SICK MIND and then periods of anguish.

So why am I posting on this board now? I MUST make this A end. I won't try to kill myself again because the last time actually scared me.  I am internalizing everything. I have no one to confide in, My closest girlfriends think I ended this A 3 years ago.

My AP's  father is dying and his W lost her job. We are not going to be able to see each other. He is going through a lot and we have not had a lot of contact. When we have contact even just on the phone I get a physical high. I imagine this is what a drug addict feels.  Now I am going through withdrawal. I shake, obsess, cry, and don't eat. I think I am punishing my body. I have lost so much weight my H has noticed something is wrong. I am not on any meds or in counseling because I don't want H to think anything is wrong but I am very very sick.

Please Help me!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2012
Wed, 08-15-2012 - 8:27am

I can tell you I felt those highs at just a phone call and I went thru the horrible withdrawals and worried about what would happen if I couldn't 'just talk to him for one more time'. I was crying all the time, I was miserable.

I'm not recommending you talk to him again, but in my case we had 'one last talk' and agreed to stop the crazy while we still have life as we know it. Neither of us wants to suffer thru a D-day. I cried and cried while we talked and ended, BUT when I went home I felt a weird peace and calm. I felt like "I'm gonna be ok". That was 13 days ago, I haven't had nearly as many tears, nothing like I expected. The world did not end!! In fact my world could have ended if I had continued... but I feel SO MUCH BETTER, FINALLY FREE of the lies and crazy. FREE of the tears!! Free of the sad.

I've started talking more to people in my real life and I can actually talk freely without hiding secrets!! I'm looking forward to an amazing trip in a few days, all is well. YOU CAN DO THIS!!

(((((((((((hugs and prayers)))))))))))))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Wed, 08-15-2012 - 8:34am

Hi Willow and Welcome.

Willow I think you've taken a big step reaching out for support here and thats a great first step. I think you probably also need to access some external support systems as well hun. Ending your A is going to be one of the hardest things you have ever had to do and I think you recognise that. Two suicide attempts in 6 years which seen you hospitalised is serious. You end your post by saying I am very very sick. Im not sure what you mean by that. Is it remaining in the A that makes you feel like this? It might be an idea to get back into counselling and visit with your GP. You should avail of very bit of support you can get. Im in Ireland so not familar with your health care system but there will be folk along soon who can give you advice on that. The boards are quiet at times but someone will be about. In the meantime there is a ton of info in the healing library for you to begin to digest.

 

Wishing you strength and positive mental health on your ending Willow

 

(((Hugs)))

Sunny Soon Xxx

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
Wed, 08-15-2012 - 1:23pm
Thank you do much for your replies. I can relate to the one that compares the contact to drug addiction. I am trying to work today but I am so distracted. I'm sitting here in a fast food parking lot crying and reading the posts. I will try to work this through
Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 11:27am

Hi, Willow.

Sweetie, I think you need to get back into counselling and back on meds. This isn't a mind over matter thing. You've already admitted the truth. You're very sick. You need proper medical treatment, my dear. What ails you doesn't get better on its own. It's not a sign of weakness. It's a sign that you're ill. We want you to get better.

Don't worry about your husband suspecting something is wrong. He's seen your weight loss. He knows something is wrong.

Don't worry about your real life friends not understanding that your A has continued. They've probably had their suspicions and they'll be better able to support you if they know what's really happening.

Dealing with the addiction: have you spoken about it in therapy? It might be the path to getting some true understanding.

With two suicide attempts under your belt, I won't give you any advice on your affair. I think you have a remarkable understanding of your situation but I think you're stuck in a loop. You have contact, you feel great in the moment, you crash soon thereafter, and then you have contact again and that brings up up to feeling better. But as with all addictions, we need greater and greater inputs (contacts) just to bring us up to feeling "normal". At some point, we feel so low, the contact doesn't even bring us back to anything approaching an even keel. But a professional counsellor, medication and the love and support of your family and friends are your very best bets to kicking the A and your illness.

Time to make a call. Ring up your therapist, make an appointment and ask for a prescription over the phone today. I'm worried about you.