Wasted six years
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|Wed, 08-15-2012 - 8:02am|
Here is a saga I must tell! I have wasted almost 6 years of my life on this A
I am a married women in my fifties and I should know better. My A is with a neighbor where we used to live. We had mutual friends and social activities. I even went to church with their family. In a way I stalked them after we started the A. I tried to break it off while we were there but the physical and mental pain was too much. I tried to kill myself at one point was in the hospital with the REAL crazy people. Did this stop me...NO. I convinced my H to moved away but we had to short sell our house so I pay the bank money on a loan every month for 15 years because of the A. You would think I would stop. NO!
So the A continues. This A was nothing but sex. There was no real relationship. Oh we'd say that we loved each other but only after having sex.The places we went to be together were so horrible none of you can imagine. Let's just put it this way, you pay by the hour and they are mostly frequented by hookers, gay men and once I even saw a transvestite. This is a funny part. One of the motels cost 20 dollars an hour. He had given his daughter the last of his cash so he brought a bag of quarters to pay. OMG!!!!!!!!!
The affair continues. I can only call him certain times of the day or he will call me. We don't text or email. I hide my ups and down from my H.
Three years ago I tried killing myself again. This time I was closer to death than the first time. Spend another week in the hospital, took meds went to counseling thought I would bet better. NOPE. The A continued.
I go through periods of everything being fine in my SICK MIND and then periods of anguish.
So why am I posting on this board now? I MUST make this A end. I won't try to kill myself again because the last time actually scared me. I am internalizing everything. I have no one to confide in, My closest girlfriends think I ended this A 3 years ago.
My AP's father is dying and his W lost her job. We are not going to be able to see each other. He is going through a lot and we have not had a lot of contact. When we have contact even just on the phone I get a physical high. I imagine this is what a drug addict feels. Now I am going through withdrawal. I shake, obsess, cry, and don't eat. I think I am punishing my body. I have lost so much weight my H has noticed something is wrong. I am not on any meds or in counseling because I don't want H to think anything is wrong but I am very very sick.
Please Help me!!!!!!!!!!!