Wavering-throw me a line please

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Wavering-throw me a line please
16
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 10:16pm

I'm always so amazed by the commitment to NC that is shared by the women on this board. We all know how hard it is. A recent post by Dee about not cheating the board actually made me think about my own commitment to NC, and that i've not been taking it as seriously as the others have.

for that, i apologize to myself and the EAS community. If you guys can do it, esp in the wake of situations like bodhi's where the x is driving past her house, then i should be able to do it too.

the most i've made is 8 days...every 3-4 days i break NC. x emails me incessantly; sometimes actual serious things, sometimes just bullsh*t jokes or articles, and i crumble, and write back. there's usually a brief but pleasant xchange of 2-3 emails, and then I clam up again, telling myself that i have to stick to NC. then i break it again. i have not SEEN xap in person for over a month, but as well all know, NC means NC, and that includes deleting emails without reading them.

the problem is, i'm wavering. i'm wavering in my DESIRE to be NC. its not that i dont know how, its not that i dont know i should, but i feel like i'm bargaining, like, "hey, an email now and again doesn't hurt".

i know the philosophy is to consider an A like an addiction; one drop DOES set you back, that any attempt to remain in contact is virtually keeping the A alive, etc etc. but i am having trouble getting behind that philosophy. i dont want to be in an A anymore; it's horrible and destructive, and i know that. but the idea of never speaking to my AP again kills me, and i know you'll all think i'm lying to myself or being naive, but i sit here like, "isn't there SOME way?"

part of it for me is, i'm married, im working on my marriage, and i have somebody to go home too. my hurt is very different from his, who is in the process of divorce, lost his job recently and essentially feels like i kicked him to the curb in his time of need. so, if our positions were reversed, i probably would not want contact with him out of anger. now, i have very little anger, i just hate taking such a hard line about it.

so, i turn to you all, who have managed to take the philosophy on, and embrace NC. please remind me (gently, preferably ;) ) why NC is the only way, and how to stay on track when i start thinking that i dont want to maintain NC. its not that i cant. its that i dont want to.

sheepishly,
Exi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 10:21pm

i should add that although gmail doesn't allow me to block certain users, i have his emails filtered directy to the trash.

yet, i check the trash, and read them....

BAD GIRL
i know...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 10:39pm

Exi,

Exi, Exi, Exi,

I could write a book telling you the whys of NC. It would do no good. You have been here long enough. I do not remember all the details of your story but I know you know the deal. I have to go to work. I do not want to most days, but I do. You need to look at things the same way...everyday we have to do things we do not necessarily want to. We can be spoiled human beings esp when we are only thinking of ourselves. Time for you to change your vibe chica!

Most people go to work at jobs they hate for very little pay. They do it because they HAVE to. They have to for their families. So they can eat, so they can have a roof over there heads....They do not go to work simply because they do not want to, they lose everything!

You do not maintain strict no contact because you do not want to, beware you will likely LOSE EVERYTHING. A DDAY is always a step away. Not to mention your own insanity and your further loss of self. What more do you need to lose? Why do you think all these emails are harmless banter? STOP the madness.

Why have you not blocked? You need to end the A and ending means NC. I am sure we will accept your apologies, but to keep posting here and saying that you break NC every couple of days is so disheartening. Come on...you are not a child, you do have control over your actions.

Luvin

Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 11:05pm

luvin,
thanks for your honest reply. in terms of pragmatics, there is no way for me to block a specific phone number on my iphone (i checked), and for email, i have his emails filtered to my trash which is the best i can do with gmail, so i really just need to stop checking the trash.

something you said really resonated with me: i dont want to maintain NC, in the same way i dont want to do laundry, or pay bills, but i just have to do it, and thats it. because even if i think that occassional contact is possible and i wont "fall for him" or something, the risk of a d-day is always on the horizon.

xap's emails are just so hard sometimes, like, "hey, look, im not trying to cause you any trouble, just hoping we can be friends or something". and i think "that doesn't sound unreasonable...we should be able to be friends..." and then i remember what everybod7y says here about failed attempts at friendship, failed commitments to NC, and how you're all in agreement that NC is the only way to truly heal.

i know it in my head, but i dont feel it in my heart...please dont be too disappointed--i am trying!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 11:05pm

E82-


I had the privilege (ha! if you can call it that) to have an XAp that left me alone when I ended the A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 11:31pm

Heartache,

thank you so much for such a supportive reply. i feel embarrassed to be admitting failure amongst a group of such strong women who have risen to this challenge.

i think for me, keeping contact is about rejection of rules, pushing boundaries and flouting limits. rebelliousness is a trait of mine, not something i outgrew after adolescence. part of the thrill of the A was to trample on what i originally considered to be the "restrictions of marriage", which i now realize are not restrictions, but about maintaining the sanctity and health of the intimate couple relationship.

so my knee-jerk reaction to NC is to see it as another barrier, and to consider it a challenge, to be the one to say "i ended an A AND stayed friends, muahaha, look at me, maverick that i am!" f*cked up, i know...

but, its my knee-jerk reactions that got myself into this nasty mess, and its the less-impulsive, more cerebral, stable and reasonable side me that knows that following the advice of my inner devilish imp is a very very bad idea.

this little imp got me into an A for the thrill. sure there was a lot of vulnerability and hurt; i felt neglected by my H, lonely, etc, but there was also something so exciting about being naughty. thats the part of me that scares me, that i have to keep in check so i NEVER end up in this situation again. i have to remember that sticking to NC is not about wanting to, its about fighting that knee-jerk reaction and doing what makes sense, even if it doesn't "excite" me.

thank you for helping me feel like i dont need to disappear and return to the MAS board because i'm not good enough to be considered an "ender" :) i'm not proud of myself for wavering, i'm simply lost on the road to recovery.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 11:45pm

Exi,


"hey, an email now and again doesn't hurt" - There were posters who were on that

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 12:12am

Exi, my love, we are cut from the same bolt of cloth.
The rebelliousness, the appeal of the naughty, the M situation... all the same. So I'm pretty qualified to call bs on your shiz. You're not sticking around for X, you're sticking around because he's still stroking you and you're not quite ready to let it go. Ta-dah! But. but. but. you're also being immature (as I was/am) and trying to ignore consequences and justifying out the wazoo. I adored my X and all the fixes and strokes. It was not something I wanted to give up even though I wanted the A to end. You just cannot have it both ways, though. You know good and well that you're holding yourself back from healing and moving on by maintaining contact. Picking that scab might temporarily satisfy the itch, but it's not going to promote healing, and man-oh-man the scar is going to be HUGE. Do you know want Emotional Intelligence is? or EQ (like IQ) is? They test for it around age 4. Give a 4 year old a marshmallow and tell him, "you can eat the marshmallow now and that's all you'll get. or, you can wait five minutes, not eat this marshmallow in front of you, and you'll get TWO marshmallows."
You and I are marshmallow scarfers!!

All I can tell you is that you have to be ready to grow up and stop playing around with this BS or you will suffer. There is a time for emo, self destructive reckless behavior -- but that was, like, maybe 20 years ago for us, right? Forgivable on a 16 year old; a whole lot less cute on a middle aged woman with a real life, real family and real responsibilities.

Suck it up and get on track.
Love you and if you go to MAS I will personally hunt you down and kick your a$$.

xo
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 12:14am

E82, you are not the first to waver on that fine line. If you are working on your M, NC is a must. Have you had the chance to read the DDays thread? I would also visit MAS and read their DDay thread. Either way, you do run the risk of that if you were to keep in contact.

<<>>

If you do want to keep contact with AP, MAS might be the board to be on. The ladies are pretty nice there actually. No one will fault you for doing so;). Once the line is crossed, friendship can't exist and trying to be friends does leave the door open for future A's. Good luck to you honey.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 9:01am

EXI

Heck no MAS for you - I will be teaming up with DEE to personally drag your butt back here!

Now, to echo DEE's post - I too am a rule bender, in all sorts of areas, not just relationships. You tell me no, and I will be like "heck ya" ... and so on. I have un-conventional philosophies on just about everything. Choosing to not invest fully in NC from the start was also part of this mentality - but the other part, was the immature, junky part that LOVED getting his ego stroking emails telling me how much he missed me, couldn't do without me BLAH BLAH BLAH. It did set me back and after a few weeks, I would end up getting really hurt again by him. I wish I wish I wish ... but then you stop wishing, suck it up and get on with the work of being a grown up woman raising a freaking family with no right to fart around with some xAP who is too pathetic to respect me/you enough to stop sending such rubbish. Come on, what favors is your xAP doing for you? Sending you emails to keep you hooked. Not very friend like to me.

Start the NC clock - day 1, and get on with it already

(-:

((hugs))

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou




Edited 7/22/2010 11:55 am ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 9:35am

Exi,


It's so strange sometimes.

Babysteps


...even if it is all I can do, I can take one babystep.


NC/LC since May 21, 2010

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