Wavering-throw me a line please

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Wavering-throw me a line please
16
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 10:16pm

I'm always so amazed by the commitment to NC that is shared by the women on this board. We all know how hard it is. A recent post by Dee about not cheating the board actually made me think about my own commitment to NC, and that i've not been taking it as seriously as the others have.

for that, i apologize to myself and the EAS community. If you guys can do it, esp in the wake of situations like bodhi's where the x is driving past her house, then i should be able to do it too.

the most i've made is 8 days...every 3-4 days i break NC. x emails me incessantly; sometimes actual serious things, sometimes just bullsh*t jokes or articles, and i crumble, and write back. there's usually a brief but pleasant xchange of 2-3 emails, and then I clam up again, telling myself that i have to stick to NC. then i break it again. i have not SEEN xap in person for over a month, but as well all know, NC means NC, and that includes deleting emails without reading them.

the problem is, i'm wavering. i'm wavering in my DESIRE to be NC. its not that i dont know how, its not that i dont know i should, but i feel like i'm bargaining, like, "hey, an email now and again doesn't hurt".

i know the philosophy is to consider an A like an addiction; one drop DOES set you back, that any attempt to remain in contact is virtually keeping the A alive, etc etc. but i am having trouble getting behind that philosophy. i dont want to be in an A anymore; it's horrible and destructive, and i know that. but the idea of never speaking to my AP again kills me, and i know you'll all think i'm lying to myself or being naive, but i sit here like, "isn't there SOME way?"

part of it for me is, i'm married, im working on my marriage, and i have somebody to go home too. my hurt is very different from his, who is in the process of divorce, lost his job recently and essentially feels like i kicked him to the curb in his time of need. so, if our positions were reversed, i probably would not want contact with him out of anger. now, i have very little anger, i just hate taking such a hard line about it.

so, i turn to you all, who have managed to take the philosophy on, and embrace NC. please remind me (gently, preferably ;) ) why NC is the only way, and how to stay on track when i start thinking that i dont want to maintain NC. its not that i cant. its that i dont want to.

sheepishly,
Exi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 9:46am

I am in no way giving up on you. And you notice I never said anything about you going to MAS, that is not an option for you. Sure, you got some kinks you need to iron out but MAS is not the place for you, hell, it is not a good place for anybody. But it has its purpose and it is not for you.

NC is not a punishment to him or you. It is a gift. It usually starts as harmless emails, then wham! You are beat down and think why? Even tho you have ended the A, you are still in it by maintaining contact. You have got to cut the cord completely.

Isnt there a filter with gmail that the emails can be deleted forever? They do not even make the trash? I have gmail too and if I recall, there is that option. You will never even see em, let alone be able to respond. Try that?

If you only knew the damaging effects...they are not right in your face, if you continue, you will see.

Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 11:24am

guys, i am so moved by your supportive responses. i never thought i'd find so much comfort from people i dont even really know!

thank you so much. its nice to know that i am ot the only one with a penchant for recklessness, it makes me feel like less of a sociopath! but, i've rebelled plenty for one life, and its not goimgn to help anybody for me to keep letting xap into my life, whether i miss him and like him or not.

i think it was dee who pointed out that i still want him to stroke my ego--and its true. i hate admittig to such narcissism and manipulation, but its true. i love the admiration. xap was literally just dumbstruck by me and i liked it. i like the power. its awful isn't it. because its really false power, and false admiration.

so here i am, starting the count down again. he emailed this morning and i read it, but did'nt respond. i am starting the clock now, reminding myself that whether i want to or not, i'll be better off if i stick to NC.

and luvin, as far as gmail goes, the only option for the filter is to have messages sent to the trash, you cant do an auto-delete forever. nor can you set the trash up to delete daily. its going to involve ME being resolved and thats it. i've been through so much in my life and have handled it all, i cant let THIS get the better of me.

im very grateful for this community. thank you again for evereything :) just gotta keep on keepin' on...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 12:31pm
Well congrats on the first day of the rest of your life, E;). YES you belong here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 12:48pm

Ex -

You CAN do this.

<<<< its going to involve ME being resolved and thats it.>>>

Exactly - you mentioned that I have to deal with XAP driving by - whether these men are emailing, calling, texting, or driving by, sooner or later if you don't respond or reach out to them, they get it. Make this the last Day 1 you will ever have :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 1:07pm

I totally know how you feel. We've all wavered in our resolve to

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 1:16pm
if your resolve does not work, change your email. I had to do it. I used to get emails from exAp that said I know you are reading this. Used to scare the hell out of me. changing the email freed me....
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida

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