A way I have helped myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
A way I have helped myself
10
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 5:02pm
I sometimes read my old posts from about the last year or so since I found this board.

I hurts me now to read them, because It reminds me of how painful the affair was to me, how mind boggling, how much of an emotional wreck I was while on that rollercoaster ride. Trying always to end it by being heartfully honest with XMM about not being about to handle the guilt of it all and how I'm just not cut out for lying and cheating. Maybe that's why he kept coming around like he did, cause he could in whatever way, get over on me till I finally said enough is enough. My last conversation with him was him asking me to change my mind about letting go, and moving on. Not to leave him. And for me to call him. Well I'm moving on one little step at a time and have not ever called him again. Even though that's not been a real lengthly time ago, it has been done.

I ask myself sometimes....why did I do this in the 1st place, when I have a good husband at home? Why did I let it go on as long as I did, or even allow it to move ahead after that 1st phone call of "Hello my name is... and I'd like to get to know you"

Why did I allow my mind to let me feel like the bad person every time I tried to end it, when he would throw on the feel sorry for me tone of voice.

I got weak like all or most of us here do or did. Yes I still cry and yes I still get mad at myself. But........I have a new mission now.

I am on a mission to bring my old self back out into the world. Like I was before I ever knew who he was. I liked that person better and so did everyone close to me. I went thru alot of the emotions and changes most of us have like anxiety, loss of self esteem, and weight loss. (The weight loss part was okay tho, that's what I LIKE the best). I am making myself a better person and with a new body to boot. I work out and walk or run and I look good for a 40ish woman. I am at the weight I was when I got married and feel great. (One of my steps to rebuilding my self esteem.)

Everyday after work I come home and come to this board and there is not a day that goes by that it seems that someone here was feeling the way I feel or felt and is feeling the pain I am. But we will all heal in our own time and be happy fulfilled people again. I know it!!!

Please remember.......YOU are what counts the most..YOUR needs, YOUR wants, YOUR desires.

Come to this board often even if it's to be more of a lurker like me, but it will be YOUR strength and YOUR guidence to do what's in YOUR best interest. YOU only get one life..and It's up to YOU to make it a happy and fullfilled one.


This board saved me...THANKS TO EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have a good rest of your weekend and a great next week!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 7:25pm
Thank you, Takingcare. I could have written those words myself -- it constantly amazes me how similar everyone's stories are!!!

I feel fortunate that I caught my XMM in a lie around the time we ended it. Not a lie related to our relationship, but a lie he told me relating to our business relationship. That lie makes it easier in my mind to keep things ended. But at the same time it also acts as a crutch -- instead of being disappointed about what he said to me about a business trasaction, I should be thinking more about what the A did to us as people and how destructive it was to both of us. That should be enough. I guess whatever it takes to get through it, right?

Takecare, it sounds like you are well on your way to healing, and I hope that you are fully recovered soon.

I'm curious though -- you found this board a year ago and you still visit every day? I was sure hoping that I wouldn't still feel like I had to come here very often after, oh maybe the first 3 or 4 months. Do any of you think that people can become addicted to this board instead of addicted to the A? Or is the board like a 12-step program to which we will always need to visit; frequently at first, then occasionally forever??

Thanks again to everyone for all the posts--you all are my lifesavers :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 12:06am
Hi freefromhim........You asked about my visiting this board everyday? I felt and still feel like it is necessary for me. The last communication I had with XMM wasn't that long ago and yes I am still in a struggling realm of emotion sometimes, especially at my job cause that's where he called me the most. After trying to break the affair off over and over again and him coming back to me always pleading that he couldn't let me go, I need reassurance for myself and reminders of the effects of affairs, that I did the right thing for ME. I am a very emotional, wear my heart on my sleeve, there for anybody, kind of person and the postings help me. I'm sure in due time I will drift away from here and then maybe pop back in on occasion and throw my 2 cents out there if necessary. Until there, here I'll be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 1:40am
TCOM

People need to here from others that are making it through the struggles so hang around and pipe up more often.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 8:13am
hi TakinCare--

And thanks for coming back -- I am sure it's helping you to reinforce your decision and it certainly helps all of us to hear from you -- to hear that you are staying strong after so long. Please keep posting--thanks!!

Free since 9-04

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 1:55am
TCOM,

Your post hit home - my therapist and I talked about ways I could be 'my old self' - the responsible me -not the me that sinks to "his" level. Your post gives me more to think about - some goals for ME. It isn't about getting over him only - it is about being proud of ME again! Thanks for your post.

I still struggle with this daily and reading posts from people who have found their way is the best thing I can do.

Thanks!

Lazy
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 6:31pm
Bumped up...........Just wanted to let you all know............YOU are what counts the most!!

Have a good day!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 6:34pm
OK--call me an idiot -- what the heck does "bumped up" mean????

I've seen this a couple times and have no clue...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 7:19pm

It just means that the person is moving the post to the top of the list. Bumping it up from below so more people will read it.


You're not an idiot! Do you know how long it took me to figure out what NC meant? LOL!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 7:37pm
LOL!!!

Thanks :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 7:59pm
You wrote: "I'm curious though -- you found this board a year ago and you still visit every day? I was sure hoping that I wouldn't still feel like I had to come here very often after, oh maybe the first 3 or 4 months. Do any of you think that people can become addicted to this board instead of addicted to the A? Or is the board like a 12-step program to which we will always need to visit; frequently at first, then occasionally forever??"

This is a very good question. I know I'm not the one you asked, but I am 10 months post-A, been on the board 7 months; I feel 99.9% back to normal and SO over him. Yet I keep hanging around here. I can go away for a few days at a time, but I always come back. I think it is as simple as I have come to "know" and care about people on this board, and I don't want to miss anything!! ;-) Plus, I have learned so much in the past 10 months that when I see people struggling the way I was way back in the beginning, I cannot help but throw in my 2 cents sometimes. I want people to learn from my mistakes if at all possible; I want *something* good to come out of the biggest mistake of my life. Not to mention, I know that there is still the potential for weakness & bad days to surprise me; the A is not THAT far in the past yet; so I don't want to walk away from my support network just yet! :)