Ways I keep myself trapped

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Ways I keep myself trapped
22
Sun, 11-14-2010 - 1:58am

There are days like today that I feel like Im swimming through quicksand.

I just took an inventory of all the ways I keep myself trapped. I thought that by writing out where my state of STUCK comes from – I can then employ solutions to get and keep myself UNSTUCK.

If anyone has ANY input, Expounding, Your own personal Struggle, or suggestions...I am OPEN to hear!!!

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Sun, 11-14-2010 - 5:18pm
#10 What I dont Miss:

I dont miss being accused of having sex with every male I talked to

I dont miss having every new guy I became friends with being called "the guy of the week"; when I had NO feelings like that whatsoever

I dont miss over explaining myself when he wasnt interested in understanding in the first place

I dont miss feeling 2nd best to his wife and the time they spent together

I dont miss those 1.5 hrs of "intimacy" ended by his looking at the clock and making some lame excuse about what he had to do next

I dont miss the drama, the crying, the power inbalance

I dont miss the lacivious comments he'd make about every female yet didn't allow me the space to be friendly with a male (double standard)

I dont miss the one sided communication

I dont miss NOT being able to have a friend when I needed one

I dont miss all the criticism, the labeling, the blaming, the boundary crossing

I dont miss him telling me what my "true" motivations were about things (mental boundary crossing)

I dont miss him withholding affection until I came clean about things he was insecure about because of a dream or "feeling" he had

I dont miss him NOT being social with me

I dont miss begging him for attention and validation (to be heard)

I dont miss his excuses and lies

I dont miss his HIDING and lies of omission

I dont miss his confusion

I dont miss his double talk

I dont miss his saying he loved me but NOT acting like it

I dont miss hearing him say "my timetable"

I dont miss him calling my emotions, "drama"

I dont miss finding out when he'd take his wife on dates, buy her things, plan for their future (while I was planning ours)

I dont miss the isolation and depression

I dont miss sitting around at his beckon call waiting for an email or a phone call

I dont miss the broken promises

I dont miss the frustration and exasperation

I dont miss the finger pointing and blame for being the reason that we're not together

I dont miss pining away for a future that was never going to happen

I dont miss HIM

I dont miss my not loving myself

I dont miss not having a life

I dont miss feeling like my entire life is on hold

I dont miss WAITING around for communication, attention, affection, time...

I dont miss feeling like I was in competition with EVERYONE in his life to get a little piece of his world for myself

I dont miss the confusion

I dont miss the insecurity of not knowing where I stand

I dont miss my sense of reality being turned upside down by being told I was "broken" because I couldn't handle the dysfunction of the affair

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 11-14-2010 - 8:40pm

OK, I read this at 7 am eastern time, then had a crazy day with ex-in laws because it was my son's bday and then my internet went out and I am just up and going again by the grace of cyber gods and cool neighbors and so here I am, tired and just loving your insight into you. I had all kinds of stuff to say this morning, some of which was said by Dee, and Ratherbeme.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Sun, 11-14-2010 - 8:49pm
ok! the wonderful Bodhi - just HELPED! me!!!
So I'VE deleted a post that just opened up another can of warms - ONE I CAN CONSIDER LATER...DOWN THE LINE. Not now! TOO MUCH MICHELLE.
I agree COMPLETELY and am THANKFUL that I feel safe enough here - to TRUST - the advice given to be for MY BEST GOOD.
Thank you Bodhi!!!
And THANK YOU GOD!!! for putting me right where I need to be, right WHEN I need to be!
I am humbled,
Michelle
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Sun, 11-14-2010 - 9:07pm

Luvin!!!!

Hhahahahhaha - Technologically Impaired?!??! :) I cant STAND those times! Sooo frustrating! :)

Thank you for chiming in!! Thank you for all the cool cool things you had to say about my input here. :)

Yah - Ive hit a little bit of a rough patch - digging into myself and what remains of my "connection"...Im trying to break down where Im NOT moving on - letting go completely.

Im at least thankful that I dont feel I need him to provide any closure!!! Thank God!

Besos!!!!

Michelle

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 11-14-2010 - 9:23pm

Michelle-

You are working on a lot of feelings at the same time. I feel like you are sprinting even though the finish line is still far off. From one type A, control freak person to another - try to pace yourself.

You left off the one and only important thing from your Con list - he's married. You don't really need a Pro list.

<<<>>

We have no idea what the future holds. If you would have told me 20 years ago that I would be in the position I am in I would have told you you were nuts. Stop thinking about the future. Focus on right now - period.

<<>>

You don't have to decide this because he's not! Keep it simple :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Sun, 11-14-2010 - 9:35pm

ok. THAT makes sense.

I guess I can leave THAT piece for the future.

I've got ENOUGH STUFF ABOUT ME to keep me focused and busy. TRUE STUFF.

I didnt include the married thing - because I was evaluating whether he'd be right for the future.

But Im WAYYYY COOL TO TAKE ONE THING AT A TIME. AND ENDING THIS AFFAIR AND FIXING MYSELF IS ENOUGH! and Im QUITE OK WITH LETTING THAT "DO WE HAVE A FUTURE GO for the mean time!"

Phew.

Thanks for that Bodhi!

Really.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 11-14-2010 - 9:45pm

Exactly - continue to work on the things you have control of - the future will take care of itself. Every time I start to feel down - ask the whys and the what ifs, etc. I remind myself that he is married. Period. No need to evaluate any further. LIke you, I have plenty of personal crud to keep me busy!

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Sun, 11-14-2010 - 9:47pm

EXACTLY!!

I get that. Thanks for helping me put boundaries around my CURRENT STATE OF NON-AFFAIRS! :)

xoxo

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 11-14-2010 - 10:44pm

OK....First and foremost, right now you have too many things going on in your brain and you are over analyzing and thinking the answers will help, some will, some wont matter as time goes on. I will respond to your question in detail and to other things as well.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 11-14-2010 - 10:50pm

I wrote so much and am so drained...whew chile....I hope you get this tonight and there go you and my girl Bodhi having a convo back and forth all while I was writing....off to bed....hit me up soon west coast girl.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida