We accept the love we think we deserve

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
We accept the love we think we deserve
Fri, 11-23-2012 - 8:17pm

A few observations about how I got to this point in my life...

1. I was emotionally weak when I met my AP.  Widowed for less than a year and figured that a MM was perfect because I wasn't ready to commit to a physical relationship but a nice man to eat dinner with occasionally was ok, right? WRONG!

2. Have done some soul searching and researching and have discovered that I have abandonment issues from birth.  My Mother nearly died when I was born and was rushed to another facility before she ever saw or held me. It was 3 weeks before she was able to come home.  With in a week of being home, she was rushed back to the hospital for emergency surgery.  So, for my first two months of life I was away from her way more than I was with her.  (I thought this was hog-wash until I researched what this can do to a Mother-child bond) My insecurity and fear of abandonment likely started at birth. I have always known that my relationship with my Mother was not a close one, and I always held some anger and resentment that her relationship with my sisters was (it seemed) better. I spent my whole life trying to do more, be more, love her more and it seemed to never be enough to get her attention.  I was doing the same thing with MM. I thought if I just tried harder, loved him more, that he would pick ME. Most of the time we go back to behaviors that are familiar to us even if it is painful. Most of the time this is subconscious, until we are forced to examine why we have hit a brick wall with our MM. (or other triggers, MM just happened to be mine).

3. I was totally ADDICTED to him.  I did NOT know you could be addicted to a PERSON but you can.  I am reading a wonderful book on how to break your addiction to a person and I recommend it highly if you have had symptoms that mimic what you have heard are the symptoms of any other addiction withdrawal.

4. Just understanding all of these things has helped so much with the recovery from the A breakup. Understanding that there are REASONS for this being harder to get over than anything I have been through made me feel so much better.  I was sure I was having an emotional break down. Now, when looking at this thing (the A) from a "how did I really get here and accept so little for so long" viewpoint I am amazed at how much better I feel. 

5. I never felt good enough...which is where I got the title for this post.  We accept the love we THINK we deserve.  I am working on thinking I deserve SO MUCH BETTER next time!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012
Sorry but i'm not familiar with the term "AP", what does that stand for? I think "MM" stands for married man right? Do not, ever, ever, ever, attempt to take another woman's man! You had it right in your title you should of stopped there, you do not think you deserve better that's why you went for an attached man. Accept yourself, then you will find the right man not somebody else's. ;)
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010

One of your mistakes is a common mistake that we all have made at some point.

I think most of us tried to fool ourselves and thought we could handle a relationship without emotionally bonding.

We didn't realize the emotional attachment that we would have with our other person.

Your idea of a friend, or dining partner, or whatever, backfired and let you emotionally attach.  It happens to all of us. Because of your situation where he just wasn't divorced but separated for so long, you attached emotionally. Easily understood.

Why do you think you didn't want to attach emotionally in the first place? Were you really honest with yourself? Where are you now in your thinking of him?


We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012
"It happens to all of us." I have to disagree with you, the guy was married.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Bored i think your possibly on the wrong board this is an ending your affair support board we aren't here to debate the AP being married.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

Thanks for sharing your observations. 

I really admire the effort I see you putting into your recovery.

You rock!



Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Great observation and self discovery. Wanting a MM to pick you is not healthy. He already picked his W when he M her. It's great that you see that this line of thinking only destroys you in the end. Develop strong enough boundaries with unavailable and attached men that won't allow you to get into this type of relationship ever again. When you start giving off vibes that you love yourself too much for sharing a man you won't ever fall into a forbidden relationship no matter how attracted you are to a man.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008

Great post! It's great to read about your journey and progress!

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.