We accept the love we think we deserve
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|Fri, 11-23-2012 - 8:17pm|
A few observations about how I got to this point in my life...
1. I was emotionally weak when I met my AP. Widowed for less than a year and figured that a MM was perfect because I wasn't ready to commit to a physical relationship but a nice man to eat dinner with occasionally was ok, right? WRONG!
2. Have done some soul searching and researching and have discovered that I have abandonment issues from birth. My Mother nearly died when I was born and was rushed to another facility before she ever saw or held me. It was 3 weeks before she was able to come home. With in a week of being home, she was rushed back to the hospital for emergency surgery. So, for my first two months of life I was away from her way more than I was with her. (I thought this was hog-wash until I researched what this can do to a Mother-child bond) My insecurity and fear of abandonment likely started at birth. I have always known that my relationship with my Mother was not a close one, and I always held some anger and resentment that her relationship with my sisters was (it seemed) better. I spent my whole life trying to do more, be more, love her more and it seemed to never be enough to get her attention. I was doing the same thing with MM. I thought if I just tried harder, loved him more, that he would pick ME. Most of the time we go back to behaviors that are familiar to us even if it is painful. Most of the time this is subconscious, until we are forced to examine why we have hit a brick wall with our MM. (or other triggers, MM just happened to be mine).
3. I was totally ADDICTED to him. I did NOT know you could be addicted to a PERSON but you can. I am reading a wonderful book on how to break your addiction to a person and I recommend it highly if you have had symptoms that mimic what you have heard are the symptoms of any other addiction withdrawal.
4. Just understanding all of these things has helped so much with the recovery from the A breakup. Understanding that there are REASONS for this being harder to get over than anything I have been through made me feel so much better. I was sure I was having an emotional break down. Now, when looking at this thing (the A) from a "how did I really get here and accept so little for so long" viewpoint I am amazed at how much better I feel.
5. I never felt good enough...which is where I got the title for this post. We accept the love we THINK we deserve. I am working on thinking I deserve SO MUCH BETTER next time!