The ? We All Ask Ourselves. . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
The ? We All Ask Ourselves. . .
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 1:47pm
does he still think of me? does he miss me? is he having as hard of a time with this as i am?

Well, i can honestly tell you, ladies, that the answer is probably yes for most of you. But, what i have learned and discovered over the last 2 weeks, is this is not the case with me--and that is very, very painful.

If you've read my posts, you know that i've come to the conclusion that my xMM, while a nice guy, demonstrates some pretty narcisstic behavior. And for Ns, after they are done with you--as he is with me--you DO FALL OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH! That's their process.

In February, when things really got bad again with me and H, i asked xMM if he took any responsbility for what had happened to me. Certainly, our A started a domino effect--leading up to my Hs affair--that i live with still today. He said "No." What i've learned on the N board--yes, i am now regularly posting on 2 boards!--is that my issues in February became too messy and "real" for him--i needed him and because he only wants people that can support him--N behavior--he couldn't deal with it.

So, that's how he started fantasizing about "Mo" and that's when nearly all of our contact stopped. I am too real, so he looked for a new fantasy. I know my gut on this is right--but i don't think they did anything more than flirt with one another. I mean the emotional A we had, nearly tore him up inside. He was very, very conflicted the entire time. He seemed to never notice how upset and conflicted i was myself: i went from a size 4 to a size 2 where i am today. And there were other signs he missed. He just really didn't care enough to notice.

I know you all will think i am projecting here, but i just know. And when "Mo" moves, there will be another. But i know in my heart, that there will never be another like me for him. I have enough self esteem and love who i am enough to fully understand how special i am--and i am.

So, no: he is not counting the days of NC. it doesn't even cross his mind--i am sure. Every single day, i have to stop myself from writing exactly how i feel about everything and emailing that to him. I want him to know so badly what his behavior has done to me and that i understand him better than he does himself. I won't do this. But i have to say, that our relationship has never had a conclusion or finality to it. We just simply stopped talking to one another sometime in March. My cousin, the T, thinks this "ambigious" NC is so great. I don't know how i feel.

My plan is tho, to get thru Little League, block his emails, leave for Paris and then come home, July 2nd, hopefully ready to start NC ever again. (oh, there is that sticky thing that he might end up at my kids' school. Well, i will have to deal with that then.)

Clarice