we are all different but the same
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we are all different but the same
| Mon, 03-08-2010 - 8:24pm |
I read this board morning noon and night...... Most of us have the same stories. Got to involved with xap let them into our hearts, when we were not in thiers. I have a hard time expressing words. I feel I have been holding my own. My xap is my boss, and I live in a very small town, so I cannot escape seeing him outside of work. But I have to say I go out of my way so I do not see hime anymore as much as I can. I stopped going for coffee at our 1 coffee shop because I know he will be there. I stopped looking at my phone every 5 min. I am trying to do everything that people on this board say helps us, but I sit here with tears writing this not because I miss the sex , but because I miss my friend. My xap was not an asswho*e. yes he brought me sadness,, I will admit that. But he also brought me friendship. We would chat for hrs., no sex involved. I miss that...Sorry I feel sad tonight....I know I am getting better, but some days are hard.
loveless
loveless

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Loveless,
I am sorry you are having a hard night, we have all had a few or more of those. U sound like you are doing all you can do to stay LC. All you can do. This stuff just hurts. It just does. You actually have to go thru it. Its part of the process.
I understand miss your friend thoughts and feelings....we spent hours, days, months with these people and then we either have NC or LC....its a huge loss...so it seems initially, but time will tell otherwise. U shall see, you just have to have some faith that it does get better. I can not tell you how much I respect the LC folk on this board. I can never imagine having to see MM, let alone working with him. There are success stories on here tho. People on this board have complemented me on my strength on this board. While thankful of that respect, I am and always be in awe of people like you. Somehow you gals face these people daily and still pull thru. I simply do not know if I would be capable of such a massive task....Not to scare you...I gotta watch what I write. I am just saying that you can do this and you are already taking steps in the right direction...all you can do. I will tell you this, the nights do get easier, as do the mornings. There was a gal on here a while back, she wrote of being in the same cubicle with ExAP and how she was unfazed by him and all his antics despite physically being in such close proximity. Its doable and sounds like you are on your way. Hang in there momma.
PS....and your words are just fine, some of us are just different in styles around here...but posts are not writing competitions, some of us have flair, some of us are raw, some of us are lovey dovey, we all contribute, as do you.....so you are more than holding your own and post as you need to and say it however you wish....its about getting if needed and healing...
Besos y Brasos,
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Missing your best friend is the worst, but as time goes on you will realize he wasn't your best friend really, and it will eventually cause you pain and stress talking to him.
I tried so hard to continue being friends with xap, but I found that without the zing and pumped up feelings that we had before, the friendship was not as it seemed. Conversations became strained, and if one of us said something the other didn't get, as we always did before, there was more stress. Then what happens, we try to "fix" whatever we thought went wrong. Xap always tried to fix it......always, but I didn't have my heart in it. I wasn't sharing as I used to because it didn't feel good, and I no longer wanted xap to know all my day to day details as before. Of course, xap recognized that I wasn't as giving and open as before and mentioned it several times. He tried and tried and kept coming back even when I was closed mouth and said nothing. His trying seemed real, but was it? It was selfish I know now as he didn't want to lose what he thought he had even though it was already lost. Xap was never mean or disrespectful, and always did the right thing...that is the A right thing! The perfect gentleman! The perfect friend! The perfect fake fantasy! Xap probably treated many women over the years the same way. How would I know, as I believed in the fairytale (fog)
The problem, as I see it, is when we start having problems in the A, and all A's eventually have them, we knew we couldn't go back, and that some topics were off limits (for me). Xap talked about everything even when I responded with one word or none! I didn't know anything was off limits until they were brought up, but I could feel they were not good. They were not even about intimate things, just stuff that I didn't want to respond to or share, as I would clam up or keep to the weather. Xap was left with all the work, as I'd jumped through all my hoops and was basically done!
It's hard to explain how it goes, but believe me, there is no friendship left in the end. You just can't do it! It's strained and ugly, and I never ever thought that would happen. I could literally feel a disgusted look on my face even if emailing. I no longer was tolerant of his jokes or stupid things he said, and almost wanted to correct him at times.
What your feeling now is what we all felt, so it's normal. I felt that I would never have a good friend again like xap. I knew it would never happen, and no I haven't found one that I completely trust except my DH, which I didn't know until the A had long ended.
But think about it, why did we trust xap's so much to tell all our life stories to, with all the intimate details that should have remained private? In my opinion, we did because xap's gave us that trusted feeling, that protective feeling, that I will do anything for you feeling as long we gave them good feelings, boosted their egos, and stayed up on the shelf until told to come down!!
We felt safe in the A friendship even though it was a fantasy.
Being in a small town sounds difficult to maintain NC, but if you have come this far, you can't go back, or you will not feel good about yourself. Let the past be that...the past, and start taking really good care of you, as xap will not be there for you in the end regardless of what he says, and you won't want him there either.
NC = No New Hurts
Hugs,
Mish
Thankyou for your words of inspration......I woke up today feeling a little better. I sit here and try to process everything that has happened since 2005. Yep even though it was off again on again. I realize my xap wanted to quit a long time ago. This hurts to write, but it also helps me. My xap told me in 2006 after 2 months being together that he could not hurt his wife.... He was very guilty about cheating, but I was hooked and kept persuing him, was easy I was with him everyday. I can now write this!!! I do believe I was his first A, and his mine. To make things worse I am friend with his W. (ya I know)... He totally gives me space, which I am thankful, but hurts like hell. I have another 10 days before I go back to work. I am going to FL Sunday to see my son and new grandson. This helps a lot. I know going back to work is going to be very hard, but I cannot afford to leave this job. One good thing being in an A with your boss gave good raises, now he cannot take them back......HEHE I love my job, and what I do, but my heart is not in it anymore. Hopefully when I get back to work it will be very injoyable just to be working. I will not have to see him everyday, and that is a good thing. I will be at another location. (he has 3 locations) It hurts to know other woman will be working with him all day where he is. Thats the hardest for me. I have always been the type of person who hurts for a couple of days and then it is over. I have never really bonded or been attached to anyone or anything. (Need to work on that one), but him hard to become unattached. I AM GETTING THERE
thank you
loveless
Mish~
<>
You nailed it, Mish. I always have trouble trying to explain why friendship after an A is impossible, but it's just something we have to learn on our own. Once we've crossed that forbidden line in the sand, the friendship is forever tarnished. Future conversations come with strict boundaries and a set of rules attached; not a friendship by any means.
Anyway, great post.
~Iddy~
Hi Loveless-
I have felt your same emotion. My xap and I were very good friends before we crossed the line. There are times when I miss my "best friend" so much. His absence has left a huge hole in my life in that regard. When things were bad at home, or I was having a rough day, or just dealing with something non-M related, he was the one I turned to. When I received good news or was having a good day, he was the one I talked to. And even now, when my DH and I have a disagreement, or something icky happens at work, or I get some good news, I think momentarily about him and how he used to be the first to know. He was my sounding board and I his and that's what got us into this terrible mess to begin with. I should not have been confiding in him- I should have been confiding in my H. This is a hard lesson to learn. A painful lesson to learn.
Yes, I miss my friend, but I have come to realize that ultimately, he was not my friend. A true friend would have set boundaries. A true friend would not have pursued me nor fallen in "love" with me. A true friend would have respected my M and left me alone. We got caught up in something and things between us will never be the same. I mourn the loss of a confidant. I regret the A because it took away a friend... but, through this, I've learned that he was not a friend. A friend would not allow another friend to be so self destructive.
We all know how you feel. We let someone in. They became so integral to our existence and now they are just gone. It takes awhile to get to that good riddance place. If I could turn back time... but life moves forward and that's what we all have to do.
Be strong. You can do this. We are all here to support you.
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
I cannot wait till I feel nothing for him. What did you call it good riddance. I do know I am thinking about him less and less...That is a good thing...I have been working on when I go back to work just act as if nothing was ever between us. That will be hard but in the long run I know I will benifit from this approach. I am learning. When I first came to this board a long time ago, it sounded good leaving him, but I never did....I regret that. Now I know if I want to save my own life w H and my sanity I need to work very hard to get through this. I am going to do this...I am not a week person. Never was until this A.
loveless
<< come with strict boundaries and a set of rules attached; not a friendship by any means.
Anyway, great post.>>>
Thanks Iddy! What I don't get is how in the world you are able to continue to work with xap. Does xap ever try to cross the line in any way, even with a look or word? Sorry if that is personal, but LC has to be so difficult, but you've conquered it, then all Newbies that have to endure working in the same place, can do it as well.
Listen up Newbies....... read everything that Iddy has written! Don't say you don't have the time.....just do it! Also E 1, although she wasn't around when I was deep into it, but a gem as well.
Iddy, just a side note......when I was going with many troubled times (all about me of course), I used to copy and paste everything that you and With Clarity wrote and emailed them to myself at home or work, where I could continue to read and stay on top of my healing. My subject line was Iddy or Clarity. Such a wealth of info for troubled me at the time, and a far better addiction too! ;)
Hugs,
Mish
I agree with you saying if he was a real friend he would not have crossed the line. But if I have to be honest, I was just as much a part of crossing the line. After months of flirting and telling each other how we felt. I was the one that said I wanted to have sex. Now as I think back maybe that that was what he was waiting for. Then he could say it was me. I don't know and I don't want to blame him only for our actions. As the old saying goes it takes two. I am happy that you share with your H. I love my H but as my son pointed out to me I stay because not only do I not want to hurt him, but he is my security blanket Need to work on that at one. One good thing is my oldest had to move home for a couple of months. He knows nothing about A, but we talk a lot about his Dad.H is an acholic. Is is a great guy, never in 36 yrs been abusive, but just not there emotionally. Never told xap any personal things about H. But looking back I was looking for an attachment to a sober person. Xap was a very compassionate person is to everyone in his life. I have never spent time thinking about my actions. I was always easy going. Thank You Board for opening my eyes, and finally at 53yrs. I see.... I need to do a lot of work on me...
loveless
Mish,
<>
The first two years out was not easy. I was still emotionally attached but wouldn't let him see it. I never said anything and continued to fake it until I made it. One day I realized I had reached indifference and was able to finally join him in a lunch once in a while with the other coworkers. Up until then, I would always decline with some excuse like restaurant food upset my stomach. He *knew* why I wasn't going, but he couldn't argue that in front of others. Then the worst thing happened. He laid off the other two office people and we were left alone and still are most days. That
~Iddy~
Loveless-
I couldn't agree with you more. I have come to the startling realization that I cannot hate xap nor blame xap without holding myself equally accountable. If I were a true friend, I too would not have crossed the line. I think about his W and kids a lot and the guilt consumes me. And everyday, I look into the eyes of my H and see some residual pain there, even though he's trying super hard to look forward and not back.
But, I come to this board and I am reminded that we cannot continue to hate ourselves. Should we hold ourselves accountable? Yes- that way we NEVER fall into this mess again. But, I have reached the point where I need to let go. My H has forgiven me, it's time to forgive myself. It's time to forgive xap- but that does not mean that we will ever be friends.
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
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