We are all in the same affair
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| Tue, 04-13-2010 - 7:58am |
Hi all
As you know Ive just joined, still in the affair despite the fact that he has ended it twice. Its not the affair it was- the romance, 'love', and sweetness have become too 'hard' for him and he feels too much guilt. But apparently being fwb isnt too much guilt! I should end it- I want to - but find it hard to walk away. So I am here and I am reading soooo much information to help me work out why I fell for him initially, what I need to heal myself, and how to move forward.
I know all of this would be better if I was totally out of the affair, but I am definately better than I was, and I think baby steps is my best way forward. I was devestated the first time he ended it. Much less so the second time, and I really think Ill move on for good soon.

I am happy that you are receiving inspiration, IGS, but in order to stay part of this community, a decision to end your A must soon be forthcoming. After all, this is an Endings board and for those posters who are struggling every day to maintain their NC, it is difficult for them to read of anyone who is still in their affair. I am sure you can understand this, and would suggest lurking until you are ready to make that decision.
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They don't *want* to
~Iddy~
Getting stronger, I was about to close EAS and work in my flower beds, but your post reminded me of myself before I made the final decision to end the nasty destructive behavior I was wrapped up in.
I'll try to make this short because it is a long story. :-)
Three year affair with old college boyfriend from 30 years ago. So you can see I'm no spring chicken, but hey he made me feel like one. Anyway, I knew it had to end. I felt used. I felt I was his FWB little chickepoo he would visit on his business trips. My xAP is a TV news anchor, so he was very gifted with charming words and expressions of love. Yes, he exclaimed guilt as well, but apparently not enough to stop the hanky panky. He would see me for 3 days then go home (1000 miles apart) and I'd be craving an email from him. I had to wait for days to get that "it was so sweet to see you again, I love you, we had a great time, will you leave your husband for me." He was married too and I never pressured him. But when I wanted it over, I didn't have the courage to end it and be done. I didn't want to end the affair with a lot of drama and noise. I wanted him to remember me as the sweet, kind southern woman he loved. (yeah right!) So I thought I'd let the affair die a slow death, wean him off me and vice versa. Guess what, it didn't work. How I wish I had just said bye and be done with it. I would have saved myself months and months of roller coaster rides. And not to mention the risk of discovery that could have happened at any time. Baby steps is not the way to end this. All you are doing is dragging out the end. If you were devastated by him ending it before, do you want to back in that situation again? For the 3rd time, the 4th.. One of you or both you will end up hurting the other much more if you drag it out. My xAP wanted to remain friends and I knew better, but I tried for a few months. We had very limited email contact. I was trying to put my plan into action by being cool and just a friend. Didn't work. He wanted to see me again, got mad when I refused. Our so-called friendship started turning into a volley of nasty emails, not exactly what I wanted!
Iddy is right, stay here, but end it.
GS:
Yep.