We broke up and I am Dying Inside

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
We broke up and I am Dying Inside
10
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 8:55am

I met a man on an on-line support group for weight loss. I had lost 170 pounds (now weighing 135) and he had lost over 150 pounds. We are both married, and both having intimacy/sexual problems at home. We connected on line and in the next five months became emotionally dependent on each other. We also met twice for two incredible weekends together (he lived out of state). He told me he adored me, I was everything he ever wanted in a woman, he said he was not in love with his wife and never was - just married her due to pressure from her being pregnant. He said he was going to leave her and move to be with me. He made all kinds of promises to me. Our sexual chemistry was amazing. My husband's and my sex life was non-existant so this was such a wonderful thing for me to experience. The intimacy was incredible as well. No walls or barriers. Just pure connection. Well, all this came to an end when someone decided to email his wife and fill her in on me. When his wife found out, he decided to give her one more chance to change. The wife called me and I told her everything. She was so hurt. Me and my MM kept talking throughout the following weeks, but it wasn't the same level of intimacy I had grown dare I say "addicted" to. I kept searching for that old relationship - and even though he still told me he loved me, in my mind, I kept thinking "yeah, but when push came to shove, he picked HER - the one he said he didn't love". Well, then 3 weeks later, my husband finds a card MM had sent to me before all this happened. The card said it all ...... he now knew about my affair. I tried lying - but really, how can you explain away a card that says "I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you". Ya can't. So, long story short, my husband and I just started counseling today. The other man and I broke it off for good yesterday - no contact. I am dying inside. I asked him to just be friends with me, but he said "how can we both move on and be completely honest with our spouses". I tried everything to get him to just keep in touch every once in a while because I am just so sad about this whole thing ending. I sat through an hour and a half in therapy and did not shed a tear. Then, later on, my mm and I said goodbye for good and I cannot stop crying. This is the basic story. Any advice for how I can move on? On a positive note, I do still have much love for my husband - just need to break down these barriers I have built. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you!

Avatar for alice700
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 9:34am
Dear SUnny,
You are in a lot of pain, which is completely understandable. Most of us have been there in some way or another. The good news is that most of us get over the intense agony you are feeling. The bad news is that it simply takes time, time, time. Give yourself time to mourn. Not only are you mourning the relationship that WAS, you are also mourning the relationship that COULD HAVE BEEN. The future relationship was based probably too much on fantasy, as you may see as time goes on, but right now I think it is hard to see anything very clearly. All I can say is, give yourself time to be alone and mourn, try to be pleasant to your husband but don't feign feelings for him that you don't yet have, and keep yourself busy. Learn a new language, a new way of exercising, pick up a new hobby, plant some flower beds, anything to feel productive and get your mind off XMM and your current unhappiness. You will feel better with time. Promise.
Hugs, Alice
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 12:59pm
Hugs to you! I do understand your pain, and it will take a lot of time. But your mm was right in that-you can't move on or be honest with your spouses if you stay in touch. Sadly, it's pretty common for a married man to want to give the mother of their children more chances than we can count. No matter how that wife acts or what she says--its just one of those things that seems to be common. You should give the counseling with your spouse a chance. Stay away from the ex MM and see what it is your marriage is really about. See if it has a future, or not. Use this chance to see and learn more about you and your husband. Either way it will give you the answer you are seeking. And you don't need a third person to get in the way of that discovery. Take time to mourn the loss of a person you love..but also give yourself time to figure out if your marriage is going to make it or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 3:22pm

Sunny,

I feel for you. I know what it's like to feel so sad and empty. You're lucky, though. Your husband still loves and wants to be with you, and that's a GOOD THING. I wish I could say the same for myself. Despite what I felt (and still feel) for my MM, I do still love my DH. He, however, hates me, even though he was also unfaithful to me.

Anyway....the best advice I can give you is to just let it go. When I did that, I was feeling stronger and stronger. Then we resumed contact, and I'm back to feeling frustrated and unhappy. The bottom line is that no matter what these men feel for us, when it comes down to actually having to make a decision, they seem incapable of it. If you stay in contact with him, you will feel miserable. I am in the process of trying to end contact with him AGAIN. Did it once, but fell back into it four months later. We haven't been physical, but I think about it all the time. I didn't when we had NC.

Hugs to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 5:36pm
Hi Alice, thank you for taking the time to write to me - you have no idea how much you helped me get through this day. Sunny
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 5:38pm
Lealavendar, thank you so much for replying. I did not know how I was going to get through this first day of NC .... and with all of your help and great advice, I did. I appreciate your wisdom, kindness and compassion more than you know. Thank you. Sunny
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 5:41pm
Hi Gal, I am sorry you are going through the torture again of trying to cut contact. It is horrible - I know first hand. Yours is a lesson for me though in the future if he tries to contact me again (I doubt it though). I wish you the best with your husband as well. I am grateful to you for your response as I really didn't think I could make it through this day. I am so lucky to have all of your support. You have given me strength I didn't know I had. Thank you. Sunny
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 11:10pm

Sunny

Glad to see you made your way over here this is the right place for you, so I suggest you get involved and post as much as you wish and read lots of other peoples post.

Time and NO CONTACT will bring you through, it will be hard all the time at first but it will get better, be prepared to have some off days now and again even weeks or a couple of months from now it happens to almost everyone just hold the line and don't cave and believe me from your accomplishments you have proved you can do anything you set your mind to.

Thanks for the web page I have bookmarked it a close look in the near future.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 1:34am

sunny,

welcome to the board, u are not dying, it is the beginning of healing for u, i know its sounds strange , i know u are in pain but it will get better and the pain will go away, it will take time, most of us here on this board are still on the level that we have not accepted the end , we are still struggling but we are all makeing progress

pls take care of yourself, it is important to take care of yourself and not get physically sick and get depress, exercise and keep busy, talk to friends, i know its realy hard but u can do it

like u said, in the end MM pick W and not U, when u accept this u will be able to move on

take care,

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 4:39pm

Hi Sunny

I do know exactly how you feel, I am trying the NC thing and it isn't working for me. He is actually the one who ended it and though I know it is the right thing, I am feeling so desperate. I just need to talk to him, I need some answers, I just want a good night's sleep. I just thought if I talked to him and told him that I don't want to resume the relationship, but be friends again some day, maybe it would make me feel better. We have mutual friends and we live in a very small town, we will run into each other. We have been friends for over 20 years and very emotional friends for over 5 years. I have read all the posts, I know this is unhealthy. I know I will make that call and I know I will likely regret doing so. I hope you are stronger than me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 5:44pm

just sing this song and all will be well

max

-----------------------------------------------

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me