We can never be "Just Friends" - how sad
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| Fri, 04-22-2005 - 7:50am |
My OM and I live in a small community, work in the same business (but now with different companies), have many social friends in common and evitably our paths will cross from time to time. We have been each other’s sounding board, inspiration, “crutch”, soul mates, best friend, sensationally compatible lovers for 7 years until we mutually agreed to end our A one month ago. Well, this is actually our 2nd attempt – see my previous thread “here again 2 ½ years later”.
We started with “no contact” but 2 weeks ago we were at a business function together and discussed how we were both feeling and coping. We decided that we knew each other so well that perhaps we could support each other’s healing process by e-mailling recovery strategy ideas, affirmations etc. but that if either of us ever crossed the line and initiated any conversations about resuming our A that we would immediately cut off the e-mail contact.
We have managed to stay within these guidelines but I still find that it is hurting me to communicate with him - I just can't seem to find "appropriate" personal boundaries. The more I e-mail to him, the more I think about him, the more I want to talk to him, the more I want to love him again - it is such a viscious circle. Now, because we are e-mailling I keep wondering when he has gotten my messages and I can hardly wait to read his responses. This is not good as it distracts me from concentrating on my husband and family. What do you think? It is probably better if we just cut off all communication and leave contacting each other limited to those awkward conversations when our paths just happen to cross??
I realize that if my OM and I are ever to be truly "just friends" with each other then our conversations should only be about things that we can openly share with our spouses and in my heart I know this can never be possible.......
If I continue these secret, personal conversations on-line with him I know I am really continuing our relationship as an "emotional" affair. It is a “no win” situation. But I miss him so, so much…..

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FA
>>"If I continue these secret, personal conversations on-line with him I know I am really continuing our relationship as an "emotional" affair. It is a “no win” situation. But I miss him so, so much….."<<<
It will not stop at an EMOTIONAL affair it will return to SEXUAL before you know it, many many people have come and gone from ths board that have tried the "FRIENDSHIP" and all most to the last person have concluded that it does not work doing so only leads back to the affair and and in time to a huge mountain of pain for all involved not just the APs.
Ther are good reasons NO CONTACT is promoted, if TOTAL NO CONTACT cannot be done then LIMITED CONTACT limited to what you to have to have for professional/social requirements none of which can be personal, secret or alone.
Free
I agree. I think it is just so hard to keep things "just friends". I thank God everyday that my x-om and I have no reason to cross paths. During our 2 years on and off I always told him that I wanted his friendship more than anything but it would always lead us back to the physical again, and then came the hurt feelings and deceptions and lastly the anger. Maybe in some rare cases (and I do know of one) friendship can work, but there is a lot of emotion in most affairs and many of us are just left to raw and open to be friends without anything more.
Karry
Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige
I am determined NOT to get sucked back into the vortex of my addiction this time. I have particularly appreciated all of your straight forward advice that you have provided to everyone on this Board. Perhaps you would be kind enough to direct me to some helpful threads vis a vis support on dealing with "LIMITED CONTACT". In my situation it is inevitable that OM and I will interact from time to time. I know that I MUST definitely cease and desist from initiating any contact and that I MUST totally cancel any private channels of communication.
Thanks again for "being there" for all of us.
ARTIST
Hi Kerry!
In my heart I know that my OM and I are not one of the RARE cases that can maintain a casual relationship. Just the other day we spoke to each other at a business function and although our conversation was impersonal in nature inside myself I was a burning volcano of desire! Why do I think I can stay immune and aloof and in control and even WANT to try and provide comfort and support to him as we work to END our A... It must be some type of crazy female masochistic need to "take care" of him - it's time I take care of myself.
ARTIST
Hi Frustrated,
I know just how you feel. Everyone is right, no contact is the only way to go. We tried the "friendship" thing, because we thought that was the most important part of our A. It ended up right back in a full blown A. When it ended this time, I tried to stay friends, with the only contact being email. But I was like you, I started obsessing over it, wondering if he had read it yet, would he answer today? It hurt too much and even though he couldn't understand why, I had to end all contact. Even though at the time we were both hurting so much that we swore it would never be more than friendship ever again, for me anyway, it was too hard to settle for that. And as you, he totally respected my wishes and I haven't heard from him and I know I never will. But boy did that make me mad for awhile! LOL! I WANTED him to ignore my wishes and contact me anyway!
His b-day is tomorrow, and I've been fighting the urge all week to email him. It's been 3 months of NC now. I've been feeling like if I don't contact him tomorrow, then I'm shutting the door on us forever. I've been missing him a lot this week, but I have to ask myself what I could gain by contacting him and trying to remain friends. And how long before I would decide it hurt too much again and I would have to go away once again. I have a feeling it wouldn't be long. That's not fair to either of us. So I'm going to leave things as they are and keep trying to build my life without him in it. Which seems hard to right now. I know that this will pass, it's just the b-day that's doing me in I think. In these situations, you have to follow your head, not your heart....
Owl
I'm going thru the same thing. We've worked together for 5 years and were seeing each other for 5 months. It's been almost a month since he ended it because the guilt was too overwhelming. I wanted to end it, too, but was never strong enough, so it came as a relief.
Even tho I know it was the right thing to do, I can't stop thinking about him. I'm constantly checking my email in hopes that he breaks down and messages me. I will not message him or initiate anything, but I know that if he calls, I will be there. He's definately the stronger one in this break up.
I keep thinking about him and feeling guilty for thinking about him. It's so wrong, but I miss it so much. I think the hardest part is that I have no one to talk about it to. He was the only one who knew.
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I will not message him or initiate anything, but I know that if he calls, I will be there. He's definately the stronger one in this break up.
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I suggest that you examine this statement. If he were to make contact would you really want to resume your A? This will be an on-going, gut wrenching, sea saw experience for you. The "guilt feeling" will never really go away - it will only be rationalized denial aenethesized by intermittant feelings of pleasure. WE ALL DESERVE MORE THAN THIS!!!!!!!!!
ARTIST
Great to hear form you OWL - Tomorrow will be monumental MILESTONE in your recovery process. I beg you - do not reach out to him. He has his own life now and so do you. I am very worried for you because my last attempt to end my A dissolved into a crash landing on my OM's birthday. I made him a CD - a collection of an entire series of songs that chronicled the start, the astounding moments of "fulfillment"......AND the constant misery of the deception of our relationship. Of course, he loved it and had to discuss it with me, then we chatted on-line about it, next came lunch and wham bam we made out in the car in a cemetary across from the restaurant. It feels shameful to even tell you about it.......
Never "play with fire" my dear - oh my God - I AM sounding like my Mother - which brings me around to what my A was really about - growing OLDER is very scarey, especially when you feel like you have lost some of yourself along the way. NOW is time to re-discover me and I certainly don't need ANOTHER man in my life to do that!!!! One Husband is enough (or maybe NOT) - but I'll only figure that out without someone else clouding the picture.
ARTIST
Frustrated,
Thanks for that! I was seriously thinking of caving today, and you gave me the courage to stick it out!! I know I would be sorry as soon as I hit "send"!
Owl
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