We can never be "Just Friends" - how sad
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| Fri, 04-22-2005 - 7:50am |
My OM and I live in a small community, work in the same business (but now with different companies), have many social friends in common and evitably our paths will cross from time to time. We have been each other’s sounding board, inspiration, “crutch”, soul mates, best friend, sensationally compatible lovers for 7 years until we mutually agreed to end our A one month ago. Well, this is actually our 2nd attempt – see my previous thread “here again 2 ½ years later”.
We started with “no contact” but 2 weeks ago we were at a business function together and discussed how we were both feeling and coping. We decided that we knew each other so well that perhaps we could support each other’s healing process by e-mailling recovery strategy ideas, affirmations etc. but that if either of us ever crossed the line and initiated any conversations about resuming our A that we would immediately cut off the e-mail contact.
We have managed to stay within these guidelines but I still find that it is hurting me to communicate with him - I just can't seem to find "appropriate" personal boundaries. The more I e-mail to him, the more I think about him, the more I want to talk to him, the more I want to love him again - it is such a viscious circle. Now, because we are e-mailling I keep wondering when he has gotten my messages and I can hardly wait to read his responses. This is not good as it distracts me from concentrating on my husband and family. What do you think? It is probably better if we just cut off all communication and leave contacting each other limited to those awkward conversations when our paths just happen to cross??
I realize that if my OM and I are ever to be truly "just friends" with each other then our conversations should only be about things that we can openly share with our spouses and in my heart I know this can never be possible.......
If I continue these secret, personal conversations on-line with him I know I am really continuing our relationship as an "emotional" affair. It is a “no win” situation. But I miss him so, so much…..

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Hey Artist,
I was in a hurry this morning when I posted. My oldest son is back from deployment today and I had to leave. This will give me a different reason to mark the day!
What you said about getting older and losing yourself really hits the mark with me. I left my H, because of the A, wrong reason totally but it was also something I had to do for me. I have been rediscovering myself through the time on my own. It's been so wonderful!! I've gone back to school and am living a busy, fulfilled life. Something I never could have done if xMM had left his marriage too. With the bit of distance I've gained from him, I see it would never had worked. He wanted all of me. I'm a private person that needs a lot of space, and while he said he was also, I don't think we used or needed privacy for the same reasons, LOL!
Thanks so much for your encouragement. I was ready to send him a very generic e-card when I came to the board instead. I'm so glad I did! Good luck to you with keeping up the NC.
It's so hard sometimes and hurts so much, but it really is the only way to go.
Owl
Not much time either right now......but I am so proud of you. I admire you strength and am happy to have made a difference in your struggle. ((((((HUGS)))))))) I feel more empowered in my own battle as well. Let's talk again soon.
ARTIST
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You are just like me in this aspect. My A has been over for a few months now, but before it completely ended, I would ALWAYS take his calls. I was ALWAYS the one to end the A and initiate NC and I was good at keeping my end of it. I never called him. But he did always eventually call me and I would give in and take his call. There were so many times that I thought we could make it as "just friends". Things would be great for a couple weeks, talking like real friends with no emotions, but it always eventually ended up back in the A. I finally came to realize that we can't be friends. NC really is the only way. Everyone says it, noone wants to believe it at the beginning, but after you've been hurt time and time again, you will realize it too.
Good Luck,
PAL
How much will you hurt if your affair becomes public knowledge?
How much will your husband and children hurt if they know about
Hey Artist!
I would LOVE to talk again!
I made it by the way, thanks to you and this board! Today is so much better than the past week. It's a long tough road for all of us, but we will make it!!
Owl
Hi Owl - so good to hear that I was able to help - I liked what Max said about this board being kind of like "Paying it Forward". We are all experiencing such a private, lonely struggle - it is so empowering to know that we are not alone and we can learn from the experience of others.
Most of the time I like to feel that I am so strong but tonight I cried for the first time since the end of my 7 year affair, 1 month ago. I am grieving - not so much for the loss my XMM - but perhaps more for my fear of the future. I've never before lived on my own but sometimes I get this nagging feeling deep inside that it is inevitable for me. However, I also know I would be devastated if my actions resulted in the break up of my family life – the relationship that my H and I share with our children (ages 12 & 15) is the joy of our life.
I have used my XMM to avoid to avoid confronting serious marital issues – unequal sex drives (Mine – very high , DH – very low), lackluster sex the few times it does happen (usually 1x per month), excessive alcohol dependency (both) and generally, dysfunctional communication patterns. My DH and I have lots of work to do and sometimes the obstacles just seem so insurmountable.
It didn’t help that I met with my XMM today – (for coffee, in a very public place) He is much older than me and in a very different stage in his life. In his words - “the benefits of the sexual part of the affair no longer are worth the risk of potentially losing his marriage (of 43 years) and the respect of his children, grandchildren and his reputation in the community”. I wish I could say that sexual fulfillment was no longer essential to me but damn it I am only 42 years old and I refuse to grow any older living like this!
My XMM says he will be available to talk whenever I need someone to listen and he acknowledged that it must always only be in a public place or on the telephone. I told him that I appreciated his concern but that I needed to focus ALL of my attention on my DH and family. XMM has been such a lifeline of support for me for so long and although he has made it clear that it is only friendship that he is offering me, I feel much too vulnerable. I know that I must insist on NO CONTACT (or at the very least “LIMITED CONTACT” as we cannot eliminate continuing work-related interaction).
Anyway, all in all it was a bittersweet day for me but I am now seeing a rainbow through my tears. Yah, healing will come one little victory at a time. Today I cried – a big step forward for someone like me who has lived too long in fear of expressing her true feelings.
ARTIST
((((((Big HUGS)))) Artist!
You've got a long road ahead, and it sounds like you are on the right track. I have good days and bad days, but the bad days are so much further apart now! Sometimes, when I am missing my xMM's friendship, I have to stop and really ask what it is I miss. I'm not sure anymore. He still seems like such a habit. I can't imagine how you must be feeling after 7 years!!
You'll be doing the right thing with NC, or limited contact. The distance from MM will give you a chance to breathe, get your head on straight again, and figure out what you want from your life. Just fight the urge to turn to xMM when you need someone to talk to. I still have a hard time with that one. It seems whenever something happens, good or bad, I just want to tell him! Then I remember that NC was my choice, not his and I feel a little stronger.
Owl
Thanks Owl I needed those hugs and it sure feels good to be able to talk you (& all of you others out there!)
It seems like it is only the sexual part that my XMM feels guilty about and wants to end. He believes that we can continue our relationship as friends because we have this amazing ability to be so "open" with each other. There is absolutely nothing that we are not able to talk about. I have never before experienced this sense of being able to bring ALL of me....BUT let me stop myself. I just had an "a ha" moment. How could I have brought all of me - he never saw me first thing in the morning, hung over and miserable or last thing at night when I was bitchy and exhausted from a long day or nagging over housework or other uncompleted household or home business tasks. My H has to absorb all of that - and boy does he ever get it from me sometimes.
Yah - you are right - I need this "away time" to breathe, re-group,take my blinders off and re-focus on my Husband.
Is this a common scenario...i.e XMM wants to maintain friendship and discontinue sexual aspect only? Don't they get that an emotional affair can be just as damaging to a marriage and that emotional intimacy and physical desire for people like me (most people? - comments.....) is inextricably interconnected. I can't seem to have the one without wanting the other!
Anyway, thanks for listening to me (yet again). Have a great, super empowering day everyone.
ARTIST
Artist
>"Is this a common scenario...i.e XMM wants to maintain friendship and discontinue sexual aspect only? Don't they get that an emotional affair can be just as damaging to a marriage and that emotional intimacy and physical desire for people like me (most people? - comments.....) is inextricably interconnected."<
Yes in many cases this happens and every once in a while they will come around looking for a booty call.
Affairs are about "ME" we start them for "ME" we continue them for "ME" and we down grade or end them for "ME" they are not about the AP, spouse or marriage that is nothing but a smoke screen to justify taking care of "ME", when the pain or potential cost of the affair gets to high for "ME" then we change things but not before so the long and the short of it is he just does not really care about the effect it has on you he wants wat he wants for "ME" you don't matter he is not in this for you never was and never will be it's all about "ME",
The sad part of this is both the person who posted this post "ME" and everyone who was or is involved in an affair is "ME".
Running for cover
Free
ARTIST,
I beginning to see that there are two types of affairs:
1) where emotional intimacy and physical desire are interconnected for both parties,
2) where one partner is just into physical desire (and really the 3rd category where both parters only want sex... but most of us are on this board because we're feeling PAIN and therefore are emotionally involved.
I would guess FREE is right, if you keep up the EA, the booty calls will come.
Hey, you could be in my shoes where my xMM (mostly) only has the physical desire and could take or leave the emotional part - it would certainly leave my ego intact more if he wanted the EA - however doesn't matter... IT'S OVER... the alarm is going off and it's loud.
To answer your first question though I do think for most women - and some men - emotional intimacy and physical desire are inextricably interconnected.
FREE, the post about "ME"... I know you're right and we all need to hear it - it applies to all of us no matter who is in the pain currently.
WIP
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