We even have to grieve alone :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
We even have to grieve alone :(
7
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 4:06pm

Because affairs are secretive, and can't be socially recognized, we cannot openly mourn the end of them properly. This is an example of "Disenfranchised Grief" BUT PLEASE NOTE that there is a difference between grief and depression, so understanding this *IS* very important.

What makes depression different from grief is the absence of positive feelings – a moment of awe at glimpsing a baby or a particularly beautiful sunrise or sunset, or hearing an inspiring peace of music. Those of us experiencing grief are able to momentarily appreciate something positive.

Disenfranchised grief is the result of a loss for which there is no socially recognized right, role or capacity to grieve. These ambiguous losses are not or cannot be openly mourned, or socially supported. Essentially, there is an underlying theme here of stigma or "invisibility" tied to the loss. Because of the lack of social recognition, disenfranchised grief is a hidden grief and this "hiddenness" can increase the reaction to loss. There can be intense emotional reactions. It can intensify feelings of anger, guilt and/or powerlessness, thus resulting in a more complicated grief response. The reduced or absent social support promotes a sense of generalized isolation on the part of the griever.

The fact that we're posting on and reading these boards can provide all of us with a sense of community, allowing us to grieve the loss which is so real when an affair ends, but unfortunately it is not enough. The need to cry (spontaneously) has to be held in check while we are among family, friends and the public. This is what prolongs the healing process and why it seems like forever when we are trying to move on...Grieving is different for everyone, but unless it is recognized, processed and released, it will linger inside of us and go untreated...only to return with a vengence at a later time in our life.

Nothing fun about this, is there? I just wanted to share the above with you so you will have a better understanding as to why the pain seems unbearable at times. When affairs are over, we are all alone in our misery...I found turning to a higher power has helped tremendously. That and coming here every day to read, learn and share.

Take care,

**Id**

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 4:14pm
Thank you. That's very helpful
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 9:04pm
it's so true. it's so hard to be this sad without letting anyone know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 9:11pm

Id, thanks for posting this. It was helpful.

Yes, coming here every day is my life line right now. I just want to talk about it and this provides me that outlet.

And I was interested to see the difference between grief and depression. Before I read this I thought they were basically the same thing.

WIP

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 9:21pm

The evenings are so hard :(

i read the board over and over.

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 9:32pm
It is true- it's a lonely thing to get over. We can't walk around sharing our grief..and that makes this much different than any other type of relationship. I do recommend a book called "The Grief Recovery Handbook" by John W. James and Russell Friedman. I will say, that when things have felt really bad for me in all of this, I have prayed at night that God will help guide me out of this..I have done that all along, when feeling really awful about it..I didn't want to feel something for another man anymore..So knowing it was over, I'd pray for help with that..and it helped me..
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 10:49pm

ladies,

its sad and lonely but .... its up to each of us to own our choices, sad as it seems we have to face it unless we we all want to be in pain and in a life of deciet and lies

its get lonely also for me at nite and weekends but i do what i need to do so i wont think of OW all the time, dont think anymore about OM/MM

the pain is there but nobody knows but me/us

max

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 11:10pm

i try to keep busy and luckily for me cleaning always feels like therapy. i take an herb that makes me sleepy so i get to bed early on these nights (may as well sleep when i can) and i sometimes i write emails to mm and then save them as a draft instead of sending LOL. It's like therapy.

We still will talk some but i still feel free and relieved that we are not like we used to be. It just turns into a bit of lonliness now and again.

We CAN do it, and get used to it, and it will hurt less wtih time, and sometimes i DO think about how glad i am this board exists. It's a lifesaver to be able to write out my thoughts and share and learn from the others here.

jen