we need to break up, but don't want to.
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| Wed, 11-04-2009 - 9:58am |
Yesterday, I broke up with my AP of 19 months. It was mutual; we both know it's the 'right' thing to do, and that is the only reason we're doing it. There is no problem between us, in fact, we're very happy together and deeply in love. The only issue is we're both married to other people. He's beginning the path to divorce, but I am not. I have several reasons to stay in my marriage, not the least of which is that I still love my husband and am hopeful that we can repair the damage that led me to the place where I am now.
My AP and I are trying to come up with a 'plan' that will making breaking up bearable. NC seems like the most amazingly painful and unthinkable route, but we're trying to work towards that. We spoke yesterday - sort of a mutual support for the breakup/affair debriefing - and we'll probably talk a little over the next few days, too. However, we both know it has to stop.
I need some advice from people who are similar to us. He's moving on with his life in a way in can be proud of, healing the faults that caused him to become an AP - he's in therapy. Yet, he's in great pain and mourning the loss of our, generally, wonderful and loving relationship. I, on the other hand, am NOT moving on; I'm moving BACK to my old life - which was lonely and trapped in a marriage that was very emotionally and physically empty. I'm scared sh*tless that the pain will be too much if I cannot make some improvements, and it's a very real possibility that improvement will be slow, if at all, since I worked on it for 4 years before turning outside our marriage for support.
I wish I had the anger or disgust that others on this board seem to have; it would make breaking up easier, no? But all I have is a deep sense of loss, sadness and secret, overwhelming, gut-wrenching pain. We need help from someone who knows what it's like to have to walk away from love that is in the wrong place, wrong time -- and we need to walk away _gently_.... we're not that strong, and I know if the pain is too much, we'll revert. Obviously, we're not the strongest, most disciplined, or together people - or we wouldn't be in this mess.
Help?

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wow. I feel your pain. Mostly because it is like mine. This seperation is for the best however, and hopefully it helps knowing at least he has felt the same way about you. He is right to want more and getting divorced apart from the affair is the right thing to do, if he doesn't want to be in his marriage. Have you thought about getting divorced? I am sure you have, but the lonliness wasn't enough to cause you to leave? I have other factors and reasons in addition to that for desiring a divorce. I have asked for one, but my husband claims to love me and doesn't want one. He is trying to be a better husband, but I have emotionally left this when we "tried" to make it a better marriage before. It wasn't fair of me to not share my feelings with him. uhm currently they are still with ap.
His marriage didn't seem to be as lonely as mine. Obviously I think we are more compatible, but that isn't fair to his wife either. But your ap is moving on. I know you are not supposed to get a divorce for anyone else but yourself, because who knows how it would be out there in the real world. You have to be thinking that way? or if not, how come? Perhaps you can agree to have no contact for a year and then talk and see where things are. I know this is easier said than done.
You should be proud for taking the right steps to end the affair. Keep reading here and you can see what devestation affairs can lead too. So
Thank you so much for your supportive response.
RE: me considering divorce. Yes, I have. However, I don't think I could forgive myself for the devastation it would bring financially, emotionally to my family. Moreover, I really believe that in time, and with the relief of some of the stresses of work, money, and raising very little children, my husband and I really, really could be happy together once again. I have been waiting a long time for that, though. My husband and I have agreed to really work on our issues - but he's 'overwhelmed' with other things and just does not have the strength to tackle our marriage problems right now. He is an amazing man; his only fault being that he forgot to stay connected to me when the chips were down and now we live like friendly roommates. I regret that my intense need for validation, love and companionship led me to another man, however, it may have saved my marriage in the long run because I was able to endure my homelife with the support of my AP. Otherwise, I'm sure I could have given up a long time ago and left -- and, even though an affair is unjustifiable and wrong - it had had a very strange, ironic benefit for my marriage.
Actually, one of the things that pushed me to end the affair was that I began to fantasize that my AP and I would be able to build a post-divorce life together. Although I think he's a wonderful person and I'm sure that we genuinely love each other, this fantasy is so far-fetched and unrealistic as to be laughable. For one thing, we've both displayed some pretty lousy Marriage Skills, which just goes to show that we two very damaged and needy people would require a lot of 'fixing up' and improvement before being relationship-ready/worthy again. So, anyway... I realized that that fantasy was going to grow and haunt me, perhaps even convince me that it was do-able - and then I'd really be lost! I didn't want to dupe myself into going from the frying pan into the fire, you know what I mean?
I know I really should squelch this affair and my feelings for my AP without holding on to any thoughts of 'maybe' or 'later', but I don't know if I can do that. How can I fully re-dedicate myself to an effort to save my marriage if I can't get him out of my thoughts? and keeping him in my back pocket as my Ace in the Hole should my marriage not work, almost guarantees that it WON'T work, don't you think?
You made a very good point, and one which I will keep on the fore, which is: affairs lead to devastation and we have been very, very lucky. Only he and I are devastated, thus far. We hope to keep it that way and vow to NEVER put our loved ones at such risk again (nor ourselves, right?)
Thank you again for responding and sorry for the long reply (soooo much to get off my chest after so much time silent.)
Blessings and best wishes.
Hi Dee,
I read you post this morning and was thinking about how to respond to it during my step class. Well I thought about it until the song “Let It Rock” came on. Kevin Rudolf’s high pitched voice was just annoying and intrusive on my thoughts.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
E1-
You are as hilarious as you are insightful and helpful! And that is saying A LOT - because I laughed, then cried, then resolved to see myself in the painful light of the truth – all in ONE email! Ah-maze-ing. I prefer and respond to your ‘tough love’ and I am ever so grateful to have it. Thank you! Thank you!
My day has been an emotional and exhausting rollercoaster but I couldn’t go home from the office without responding.
I agree I am an addict. I’ll try to think of myself more that way. I’ll do some reading up on addict-recovery and see how to apply that here. Really. I think it will help. I see in myself a lot of the same manipulative and distorted thinking and behaviors of an addict, soooo unattractive! I must learn to identify and call BS on myself when I tell those “classic affair lies” you mentioned. I _do_ understand that the A sucked even more life out of my M, and it was like a drug that numbed me and kept me from being fully present in my real-world. Everyone in my real-life suffered; I have to own that.
Comparing the grieving process over an affair to that of a death is POWERFUL. Yeh, it feels like that. The analogy is spot on. I know the steps of grieving a death from experience, and so I am empowered now feeling like, “hey! There are _steps_! I know steps! I can dooooo that!” Accepting death is final and letting go, um, yeah, step one. I’m all over it.
I want to heal myself and be the kind of person my loved-ones deserve, and be someone I am not ashamed to see in the mirror every morning. I’m really looking forward to this weight being lifted. Thank you for your help in accomplishing that.
Cheers.
Hi Dee,
Glad my words gave you some help.
Thanks for getting my sense of humor. It was a risk…you are new here and I thought either she will get it or think oh no this lady is a raving lunatic talking about “Let It Rock” one moment and dead corpses another.
I would also like to add that song came on about 30 mins into my step class and I was not bringing the fire the only thing I was trying to bring was air into my lungs.
I think it is a very good idea about looking into the addictive side of A’s. I was very much addicted to the attention my xAP gave me. I think I was having a relationship with my cell phone. ..checking it constantly. I would think I felt a buzz when I had it on vibrate and my heart would leap. Wow how pathetic that my eyes looked so lovingly at my cell screen when I saw his number pop up as a text. If I saw it now I’d though my phone in hopes it broke so that I’d have an excuse to get a new number. Ok so maybe a little anger management would be in order at that point…but it would feel good for a minute.
Also if you can’t go to T., think about looking into some self-help books. There are some about addictive personalities, people pleasers, control freaks…wow we are really messed up as a society and authors are making a mint off it…hold on…note to self…start writing a self help book for people who want to end their A’s.
Ok I better get back to my family but jus wanted to take a min and respond.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Thank you as well E1 for your brutal honesty. I an in the exact position as Dee and this is the hardest thing I have ever done.
Dee, you and I are in the exact same shoes right now. I would love to help you through this if you help me. Sounds like we are in the exact same scenario. I too wish I had put all of that effort over the last 13mths into my marriage and my family. Instead I was "working late" just to scrounge up a half hour here and there to meet with him. Im ready to GET MY LIFE BACK
Hi, GMLB
E1 is really spot on about going through the Healing Library for help. I hope you’re doing that; I am. I’m getting a lot out of it.
She also nailed it on the head with the whole LIES business. Boy! I have spent all morning going through the affair piece by piece and confronting myself with all the lies I had to tell myself. It hurts! Oy. Does it hurt. But, it’s a productive hurt for a change.
Seeing how much I neglected my family by wasting time and energy on my affair when I could have been investing it in them is torture! Especially, concerning my kids. I wish I had not given up on working on my marriage, too. After so long, and with no progress, I gave up completely. I handled it all wrong.
Just a few minutes ago, I was almost in tears (at work) missing and mourning my AP. I started to panic about how to divert myself. I quickly got online here, thank God, and then I called my husband. Honestly, I had NO desire to talk to my husband, but – hey, baby steps, right? And your post reminded me to do that – thank you soooo much.
I made a little progress last night and today. One, I didn’t email or text him. I didn’t wait around online for an IM. I watched TV on the couch with my hubby for an hour (almost unheard of.) I worked really hard to curb my obsessive thoughts, and I turned off the radio on the way to work this morning when a particular song came on! Whoo-freakin’-whoo! But!!! It’s progress!
Like you, I can’t wait to feel some relief. I’m starting to look forward to ripping off the LC band aid and going full NC (arg, but also just typing that made me wince). I am working up the nerve to delete all my emails and destroy all the sentimental reminders. That is going to HURT, but needs to be done. I also need to absolutely NOT cyberstalk, or put myself in situations where I am reminded of him. Again, that will be hard – not only because I’m obsessed but because my AP is a public figure and his frickin’ voice and photo are hard to avoid. That sucks so much.
Well, I’m off to the Healing Library again. Thank you for reaching out to me. The camaraderie is invaluable. I am sending you lots of positive energy and I hope your day is going well, and your tomorrow will be even better.
Cheers.
Good Morning and Happy Friday All!!!
First I wanted to say to getmylife and olive you both are right where I was about 2 months ago...
Thank you so much for the support, Lynn.
You are so right about the 'blahs'. Last night I was crying, having a pity party, because I was thinking, "I'll never have passion again. Everything from here on out will be obligation, duty and sacrifice." I was feeling hopeless. It was nice to read your post this morning assuring me that the toxic fog will lift and I will once again be joyful with the small things in life I've been overlooking. I have to stay optimistic, no matter how difficult.
De-fantasizing the AP and the A has been helpful (painful, but good) and I also have been focusing on NOT trying to fix any of the past problems of the AP&A that vex me, rather saying, "Whew! You're FREE! you don't have to waste another tense moment sorting that unreal-relationship sh*t out!" It's been very liberating and makes me thankful that I'm putting this A behind me.
I've been having a lot of crazy-lady conversations in my head where I play two roles. The AP-Me and the loving, wise, and supportive but tough-me. Ha! Might be nuts to refer to myself in the third person, but, gosh, I am just so glad that that wiser, tougher voice still exists.
You're two months ahead of me, and it's great to hear from you. Keep posting; I'd like to follow your progress and, hopefully, stay inspired! (no pressure! ;)
Cheers.
Dee,
We will get through this. I dont know what to do at times but Im hoping things will become more clear. I catch myself thinking about my AP all of the time, comparing him to my H and I know thats not healthy. What AP and I created was a false relationship built on nothing. There was love there and that is hard to turn away from.
I put my marriage on suto pilot for over a year and coming back to it now, I am faced with the same problems that are still there. My H has never had a successful close relationship, not his mom, his brother and not with me. I have laid it all out for him and told him what I need from our marriage. I have done some major soul searching to determine what led me to the A in the 1st place.
Bottom line is, I dont know where my marriage will go. He is a wonderful man, Im just not sure he can step up to the plate and help me fix this. Then, all of that doubt in my marriage leads me to thoughts of the AP. What a roller coaster.
Anyway, I cam across a poem that I have read over and over the last few days. I posted it in the healing library, its called After Awhile. Check it out Dee, Im sure it will stick with you like it did me.
And know that I am thinking about you since it seems like we are in the same stages of ending our A's and hoping that you stay strong!
Big hug to you!!!
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