we need to break up, but don't want to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
we need to break up, but don't want to.
11
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 9:58am

Yesterday, I broke up with my AP of 19 months. It was mutual; we both know it's the 'right' thing to do, and that is the only reason we're doing it. There is no problem between us, in fact, we're very happy together and deeply in love. The only issue is we're both married to other people. He's beginning the path to divorce, but I am not. I have several reasons to stay in my marriage, not the least of which is that I still love my husband and am hopeful that we can repair the damage that led me to the place where I am now.

My AP and I are trying to come up with a 'plan' that will making breaking up bearable. NC seems like the most amazingly painful and unthinkable route, but we're trying to work towards that. We spoke yesterday - sort of a mutual support for the breakup/affair debriefing - and we'll probably talk a little over the next few days, too. However, we both know it has to stop.

I need some advice from people who are similar to us. He's moving on with his life in a way in can be proud of, healing the faults that caused him to become an AP - he's in therapy. Yet, he's in great pain and mourning the loss of our, generally, wonderful and loving relationship. I, on the other hand, am NOT moving on; I'm moving BACK to my old life - which was lonely and trapped in a marriage that was very emotionally and physically empty. I'm scared sh*tless that the pain will be too much if I cannot make some improvements, and it's a very real possibility that improvement will be slow, if at all, since I worked on it for 4 years before turning outside our marriage for support.

I wish I had the anger or disgust that others on this board seem to have; it would make breaking up easier, no? But all I have is a deep sense of loss, sadness and secret, overwhelming, gut-wrenching pain. We need help from someone who knows what it's like to have to walk away from love that is in the wrong place, wrong time -- and we need to walk away _gently_.... we're not that strong, and I know if the pain is too much, we'll revert. Obviously, we're not the strongest, most disciplined, or together people - or we wouldn't be in this mess.

Help?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 11-08-2009 - 9:40am

Dear GMLB,
I really ought to change the name of this tread! I should now read 'we broke up, and I'm ok with it" - yeah! Ex-AP and I had been discussing the need to break up for a month before I was the one to finally pull the plug, so I had time to get a little used to the idea, but the last month was an intense and desperate time in which we clung to each other, -pre-mourning the loss of the relationship and it was like a very romantic minimoon with no arguing or realistic thinking. Boy, that made it really hard to leave. In fact, the only time he actually came out and admitted he loved me was on Friday, when I told him we were going NC. oy!

Having this board for support has been invaluable! Everytime I read it, I get strength and learn something new about myself. Revelations about the 'reality' of my A jump out at me; painful to admit reality, sometimes, but also soooo liberating. I feel like I can start to identify my missteps, learn from them, and move forward in a better way - ya know?

It's the crack of dawn, still brewing my coffee, so please forgive me if this post is incoherent or rambles. ha. I have promised myself I won't let recovering from this A take anymore time away from my family than it has to so I post and read only when I've free time.

After 5. 5 days, here is where I am: I realized that I put up with a lot of behavior from my xAP that I would have never put up with in a real relationship. I also realized that I needed to make the A something it was not in order to justify my actions. Seeing the xAP more realistically already, which is great because I don't NEED to compare him to my H to see that, regardless of whether my M heals or if I eventually become single, I DON'T WANT AP BACK. I don't even really need to villainize him to see that we are just not meant to be together in real life. In fact, I'm able to pragmatically look at him and say truthfully, "Yes, I love him dearly. He's a wonderful man on soooo many levels. He's just not for me." Doing this has helped a lot because my H doesn't have to become the Hero, without flaws, to save me from this A or the pain of its loss. The pressure is OFF my marriage, thank goodness, because my marriage is a wreck right now! (Cue "I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar") -- I'm going to leave this A and heal myself for ME. Just ME.

There is a lot of fixing to be done. I lied, neglected my duties to the people I care for most in the world, turned my back on my principles. I broke vows, was dishonorable, disloyal, treacherous, selfish, reckless and lost. Ew. Ew. Ew. that's all I can say about that! How did I get to that place? When I really, really look at the reasons (as in my marriage was vacant and I was needy), the reasons don't justify the actions AT ALL. (Painful realization #112) So now I'm off to look beyond the external reasons and find the flaws within MYSELF that led me here. I'm looking at it as a wonderful opportunity to finally live a fully conscious and real life, as the person I think I am at my core - FINALLY. The A was just a very painful wake up call, is all. If I remained thinking that I was going to end the A for the benefit of my marriage, I'd not have the faith and strength to move forward. My marriage will have to become what it will as a _byproduct_ of my healing, not the reason for it.

So, it does seem like we're pretty much in the same place! It's not a perfect place, but it's a heck of a lot better than before, huh? Btw, xAP broke NC yesterday - less than 24 hours! But, I didn't respond and that was sooooo empowering! Yah for me! I'll admit it was really difficult, but I did it.

Thank you so much for your support. I hope you'll keep posting and reading. I'm sure I'm not the only one who finds your mutual journey very inspiring!

Cheers,
Dee

Pages