Weak moment and thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Weak moment and thoughts
10
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 8:43am

Im gaining ground and strength with each day. I see how thick the fog was, how wrapped up I was in the A addiction and I know I need to maintain NC for the sake of my sanity, my M and xAP's M.


BUT.......I feel like I lost a friend. My XAP was someone that I could talk to share my thoughts and fears with and really did care for. Im sure this is one of the necessary stages of grief but its making me feel weak when I have spent the last few days trying to get my strength back.


I will miss the highs but I am ready to let go and leave the lows behind and I know what I need to do. My XAP did mean a lot to me not just as an AP but as a friend. Is thinking this way normal and how can I fight through these thoughts and come out on the other side?


TIA ladies!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 10:00am

GMLB,


Just remember that talking and sharing your thoughts and fears with X-JAM were probably what led to

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 10:22am

Iddy,


Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I will institute the 15min plan because I DO NOT want to wallow in my self pitty and waste even more time on this MM.


I need your opinion and the others as well. On Thursday, I am getting recognized in front of many people for quite a large acconplishment. Xap told me that he would be there no matter what happend with us, that he was proud of me and wanted to be there. Well now, I do not want thim there. We have been NC and Im fine with that but I dont know if I should email him and in a business like manor respectfully ask that he not attend.


I have thought about not addressing it but I want to enjoy the day without fear of him showing up and being in the audience so what are your thoughts?


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 10:54am

Here are my thoughts, but they may not agree with others. Do not email him and tell him not to come. Not only is it breaking NC but you are just adding more drama to a situation that may never happen. More than likely he won't even show up. If he does, so be it.


It's your day, your thunder, and only you can refuse to have anyone steel it. Stand up and be proud of your accomplishment and if he's there to catch your moment, that is his choice. I bet he won't stick around long and will probably slip out the back soon afterwards anyway. If he does hang around, be sure to immerse yourself into conversation with others and be so busy that he can't get to you anyway. Remember Get, fake it till you make it, honey. You can't spend the rest of your life dodging XAP bullets.


We can't control what other people do but we can control what we do, KWIM?


((Hugs)))

~ Iddy~

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 12:07pm

First, I wanted to congratulate your on your achievement and the recognition you are about to receive for it.

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 12:36pm

You have both warmed my heart by caring for myself and my situation when we have never met. As I said, I am not out of the woods by any means but I see the clearing and I am headed towards it.


I understand more now than I did even a week ago thanks to all of you. Never been the hand holding type but I sure need it now and all of you have been there.


This achievement is HUGE, something Ive worked for over the last year and I see it as on to another positive phase in my life and you are both right in your take on how I handle it with xAP. Why should I let thoughts of him overtake MY OWN moment to shine?? I will let it stand as is and not contact him. Ironic that with my controling nature, I want to control what happens on Thursday yet I let xAP control me and my life over the last 16mths.


Words of caution that I wish I knew heading into this A...It turned a self assured, independent, forward thinking woman into an insecure, vulnerable little girl. Each day will be a struggle but Ill get there, slowly and cautiously, but I will.


Love all of you!


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 2:00pm

Since I won't be able to contact you first thing in the morning and help set the tone for your day, I'll tell you now...Own Your Day Tomorrow, it' is yours and Own IT! So when you wake up in the morning, I hope those are the first words you say to yourself.

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 3:50pm

This moment is all yours! I can't wait to have my next big moment and to know that I did it ... through all of the crazy hard, the heartbreak, the blows to my confidence, that deep down inside I could find the strength and courage to keep moving forward. You are entitled to tomorrow. You deserve tomorrow. May it be all that you want it to be and more.

Tonnes of love and admiration (-:

Jodi




Edited 1/19/2010 11:30 pm ET by jodi_09
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2009
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 4:03pm

GMLB -


First, I wanted to say congratulations on your professional accomplishment!

NC since October 2, 2009.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2009
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 5:20pm

GMLB... First, CONGRATS on your accomplishment !!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 11:02pm

HH2B,


Your post brought tears to my eyes!! We all have that little girl inside of us and you are so right that she can be told "Its ok, its over now, Ill take it from here". Wow, what an amazing thought.


There will come a time when the little girl will completely go away and the smart, independent woman will be there to fully take over. I know Im still vulnerable, I still have weak moments but Im more in control today than I was yesterday. That will continue as I move forward with all of the help on this board.


Thanks so much to all of you!


Sweet dreams to you and Xap free dreams as well to all of us.


GMLB