Weakening resolve.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Weakening resolve.....
6
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 7:24am
My resolve is weakening something fierce these days...and I find myself obsessively composing an email to him in my head, letting him know how much I miss him, how much I see things differently now, how delusional and addictive one can become in these fantasy based relationships, that I miss his unwavering support--the feeling of him being the calm in the eye of the storm.

Yet, I know this gets me no where. I know that it changes nothing. I know that it makes me look weak, pathetic and needy. I know that he won't respond. I know that he is happy where he is, despite our 2 year involvement....because if he wasn't he would've left. I know that if I ever loved him, real or imagined, that I would just let him be.

And yet, I can't seem to erase the feeling that I had when I was with him...whether talking to him, just sitting with him or holding his hand....the feeling of being "home".

I know this more about the inner conflict and turmoil in my life...I've just recently filed for divorce after 15 years of marriage, and 4 kids...so there is a lot of "unknowns" for me right now. And chances are its going to be a messy and nasty divorce by the time its all said and done. I just miss his calming presence, even if by email....how things were between us, before I got silly and delusional.

(sigh) about 6 weeks nc....when will this get better?

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 8:06am
Hi Dharma,

Type the letter, just don't send it. I typed messages to XMM a lot. I saved them, reread them and finally deleted them when I was ready. There were ones that told him exactly what was on my mind, nice and not nice. It's like journaling and it sure did make me feel better.

What I still miss is our friendship, but looking back it was so unhealthy. I actually heard something about xmm at a work party a few weeks ago, I know there is no truth to it and I want to tell him. If some one said something about me and he heard it, I know I would want him to tell me. But, it is none of my business and I'm trying to let it go. I told my H about it and he said it's best I not say anything. I still have the feeling that we should be able to tell each other anything, but we really can't.

I wake up every morning and am so thankful for who and what I have in my life right now. My H is out of town and I miss him so much. I haven't had feelings like this for him in a long time. I was teasing him yesterday and my daughter was laughing because he called 8 times to see how we are doing. I guess he misses me too.

Good luck to you with all of the changes you face. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. It sometimes takes a while for the answers, but they always come.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 11:39am
Dharma, I've been looking for your posts. I know you had a big decision to make - sounds like you have made it and thrown yourself into the unknown. Scary, isn't it! But it's also a first step to a better life for you, and maybe you have saved your dd's from repeating your mistake in marrying such a controlling man.

It is natural that at this time of confusion and uncertainty you would want to turn to someone who gave you support. Having resolved to change your home, you are thinking of that "home" feeling you had with him. But you know in your heart that he can't make it better. I agree that writing those emails or letters is a good way to sort your feelings out - all you have to do is keep from sending them. If you need to, send them here - you KNOW that many of us understand what you are going through more than he does.

Take one tiny step at a time, Dharma, towards your new "home". You can create it. If you endured all those years of a controlling marriage, you have the strength to endure the turmoil of this change. Take real good care of yourself and your girls. I hope you have some support there, but if not you certainly have it here.

When the time is right, you will attract the love you deserve. Anyone who has read your posts knows that you WILL find happiness, because the spirit is strong in you.

Warmth, a big HUG, and my very best wishes to you.

-mtn sweetie

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 2:55pm
Dharma, i just had to delurk to give you a hug. I know how you feel, I get that way now and again. I miss XOM and I miss that feeling of "comfort"..I miss the laughter and the dreams we shared, even though they were never meant to come true.

What makes it even harder for me is that XOM is so sorry for things that he has done, how he handled himself and the situation. He is apologizing and begging me to talk to him. I feel bad, but at the same time I need to protect my heart. I have days that I compose things i want to say....but some things are better left unsaid.

Remember why you initiated NC....you did it for a reason. Focus on yourself and your children and the long road you have ahead of you with your divorce. Trust me dharma, you will have love again in your life.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 8:42pm
Hi Dharma,

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone with what you are experiencing. I have been separated with my H for over 2 years now, but last week we started the divorce proceedings and it got me very down. Seeing the paperwork and sorting out custody issues was the most heartbreaking thing. And exH and I are on friendly terms too! But there are still certain things we don't see eye to eye on and get in conflicts over, and...well you know. But I do feel better.

Oh, also on the same page as you, out of "whatever" I composed a letter to XMM (haven't seen or heard from him since this past October)--but I did go ahead and send it. It wasn't really a "miss you" kind of thing. It was more of closure and expressing the pain I'm experiencing with finalizing the marriage, or rather how the divorce proceedings have reopened some wounds. It felt good in that I got a sense of "release" but like you mentioned, the contact didn't accomplish much else. And I did get a little down over his complete lack of response, I mean not even acknowledging his receipt of the thing. I don't regret sending that letter though. It may have been a weak move, but I was experiencing a weak moment--at that time. It's not a big deal in the biggest scheme of things.

Right now you are in painful spot but you will be all right. Work through the emotions, get a little rest and "me" time, stay busy with the day to day stuff, before you know it you will be totally on your feet and feeling just fine. Wish you all the best and remember that you are not alone, and think of some of the wonderful advice you've given us about "lessons" to be learned and getting in touch with your sense of spirituality. Spirituality and a deeper understanding of "life" can be so empowering and a wonderful source of healing power. Take care =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 8:27am
Lunachick~

Thanks for your response...it just seems like I'm all over the road these days. Divorce is NEVER easy....esp. with someone like my husband. Its throwing me WAY off balance. I'm just having such a hard time with so much right now...but aren't we all?

I did break NC last night and wrote an email to exMM...but not an email full of "I miss you" or anything close to that. It was more asking his legal opinion about my lawyer--and any feedback he can give me about divorce and how it all works. Before things progressed...he was a friend and someone who offered good advice and had a good insight towards life. The email was not full of drama, just very matter of fact. I also said that if he didn't want to answer my questions, that was fine, too...but to let me know that. Either way, if he responds or not--I'm ok with it. I struggled for a LONG time debating whether or not to email and decided it was worth a shot....so we'll see.

I keep telling myself that these things will get better in time...but when you are down, its hard to see the light. But then again, when you are down, there's no place to go but up, right???

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:36pm
I've weakened too. I went 3 weeks of ignoring to maintain NC, only saying "Hi" out of courtesy when I see him in the hallway, and then exactly 3 weeks, I broke down and messaged him that I miss him! And now, we're emailing each other back and forth. I don't want to go back into the A, and I know NC is the way to go, but it's HARDDDDDDD...

Hang in there dharma. I think it's a process we go through, and each time, the NC will get longer so that eventually, we moved on.

Take care!

Ivy