a week - here's what I want to write him

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
a week - here's what I want to write him
4
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 4:57pm
I know this may sound crazy-- but I miss his friendship more than anything else. I do not know what to do or how to do it-- but here is what I was thinking...

Dear xxxx

It was really nice to see you. That doesn’t mean that it was not incredibly hard and that you were probably right- it would have been easier not to see you, but I am glad we got together. I felt so comfortable with you and around you. I knew when I saw you- there was my best friend. It was so easy to talk and “hang out”- I think that was what I felt missing- that connection. When I talk about soulmate—I think there are lots of meanings—but for us there has always been this connection and it is there even in the most difficult of circumstances. We trust each other completely- and that is rare. Different people bring out different parts of us and I think you and I have always brought out the best in each other and for that I am grateful.

As we talked I could see the pain in your eyes and hear it in your voice. I know you loved K... and she hurt you very deeply. For that I am sorry. As you opened up and told me some of the things that had gone on I felt so sad that you had to go through it—yet I also knew you were getting to a better place. It was hard to see you question who you were and how you handled yourself. When you talked about K... calling you verbally abusive—I felt sorry for her. I do not know why she did that—but at some point she will realize that was wrong. You probably think that is impossible…but I truly believe that people can and do change. Who you are right now is a vastly different person than you were 20 years ago or even 6 months ago. We all change—we look at ourselves and see what is good and what makes us happy and we try to let that grow in our lives. We learn form our mistakes. Now that is not to say that we will not continue to make mistakes—because we will…and some will even be big ones…but that is part of life.

I know this whole thing between us is hard for you too. I know you would never deliberately hurt me. I am still trying to understand what happened…but please know that I do not question your decision. I can’t walk in your shoes or even understand what you are going through. All I can do is believe that you are making the right decision for you and for us. You are my best friend- so I have to believe that. Don’t get me wrong, I wish it was different, you know that. But I want us both to be happy. I want the best for you and for me. I do not need anything – I am happy with who I am – you know that. Sure I wish you would have allowed us to have a chance, to see if we could work things out. Over the past 15 months I have done a lot of thinking about what I want and how I act in situations. I have in a sense taken charge of my life so I can be happier and more fulfilled in a relationship. I think that we both have matured and will continue to learn from what life sends our way.

As I think logically about why I did what I did —I think I needed to come to you without attachments. I knew that was the only way we could work things out and to give us a chance at being happy together. I also knew I had to do that on my own otherwise I would question myself and what I was doing. I needed to be sure I was doing this for me and not for you and I wanted to do it fast. That probably wasn’t fair of me—to try to resolve things quickly. It caused a lot of stress in my life. I look at K... and how much pain she has caused you and it makes me sad. I do not want to cause my husband any pain. He is a good person- it is just that we bring out the worst in each other. We are both responsible for how things have gone and I do own my actions. I also know that I can’t talk with him—we just don’t hear each other. When you asked if you were ever abusive to me – I thought no…and as I thought more about it I realize that the reason for that is that I truly trust you and know that you will listen to me and I will always listen to you. That doesn’t mean I always agree with you—because I don’t…but I respect and value you advice and opinion about things…so when you got mad at me for acting irrational I knew you were right. It was easy to see things from your point of view and acknowledge that I was completely off base. I don’t tend to get defensive around you because I know you- if that makes any sense. I think we both really do listen to each other without judging.

So now we are at a completely different point than we were a few weeks ago. Sure it is hard—but very few things in life that are worthwhile are easy. I may need some time to adjust, but I trust you and I value our friendship. We have been through worse and we have managed to maintain our friendship. We have always supported each other in finding the balance we need in our lives. I don’t know what the future holds but I do know we both want what is best for the other. That kind of friendship is rare—and I do not want to lose that. So I encourage you to find what you are looking for, try not to close too many doors and do what makes you happy. I miss you and our friendship.

Tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 8:26pm
OK I need some help-- I do what to be friends and this is a LD friendship so how do I go about doing that?? Is this letter OK to send?

Tb
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 9:46pm
I'm sorry I don't really remember your whole situation, and I know some people disagree with me, but I feel strongly that you need to take time to heal and get over the A -- with NC -- before you try to be friends. For lots of reasons. I speak from experience. And yes, mine was also a LD "friendship." Now with 20/20 hindsight I can see that the attempts at maintaining a platonic friendship were really still keeping us involved in an emotional affair. You cannot have a "normal" friendship unless you are a.) not going to obsess about what is going on with him, b.) not going to secretly pine for things to rekindle between you, and c.) unless your H is fully apprised of your friendship.

JMHO. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 11:26pm
I think at this point I do not really care in a sense what is going on with him and any relationship he may be having. My husband- we are in the process of getting separated and it is quite difficult but I think necessary fro us both to have time apart. The last one-- to rekindle things--- this is hard. The suddenness of everything is difficult to understand. It is easy when you are having a difficult time and you know there are problems- but when it is out of the blue and you are blindsided - we all want to make sense of something that is senseless. So can I in all honesty say I am completely over him- probably not-- but can I say I accept that this is the way things are-- yes. I can not change him or make him see things my way. All I can do is be me and say what I think and feel and allow myself the ability to move on from here. I will not try to get him back-- to me that is foolish. I do hope and think that our friendship will survive this-- because we have survived alot over the past 20 years and I think there will be more hills to climb in the future.

Am I mad at him - sure-- no one likes being hurt. BUt we are two different people trying to figure out how to be happy and we are friends. I truly know he never meant to hurt me. Yes the hurt is deep and profound-- but life is too short and it is important to be able to get back up and think what do I want to do from here. The ball is in my court in a sense. Now I have control over what I want to do if that makes sense.

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 9:18pm
As I read what I wrote - I think that is a bit much to write -- OK so it is an understatement. I left things with him by basically saying that although I value his friendship - it may be hard to adjust. Then I just said goodbye and left. There was no pressure or pleading - just talking and hanging out and being friends again. It felt so normal. I wanted to have some control over how things would or if they would proceed in terms of friendship. I think I needed that. I do miss his friendship, but I also know the friendship will be different and to be honest I am not sure how I will deal with it-- but it is worth a try.

So now back to the letter. It needs to be short and clearly just friends-- I wish I knew how to say it and what to do. Has anyone been in such a situation??

tb