Weekend Blues -- A Rant

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Weekend Blues -- A Rant
4
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 2:09pm

This is a get-it-off-my-chest rant, plain and simple.

I’ve mentioned before in other posts that I hate weekends. Or at least that weekends are especially tough for me, since they are the only two days of the week that I don’t spend virtually all day with xAP. I know I should be GLAD to have this distance from him (and in a way I am), but even though I am at about 3 weeks NC/LC, I still get some comfort from him being right by me at work. That’s just part of the peril of working with an xAP. I know it’s not healthy, and that it’s probably co-dependency, so feel free to slap my wrists.

This weekend, I’ve been thinking so much about xAP and just the A in general. Trying to resolve things in my mind, to figure things out. To understand why I fell as hard as I did and for him in particular. Trying to figure out if I could have ever actually left DH for him, had he said the words. My stomach still bottoms out when I think of certain moments from our relationship. I still get weak-kneed for him. I wonder how long that will go on?

Reading through other EASers’ posts can be hard for me too, because sometimes—and I know this is twisted—I feel “cheated” that my xAP wasn’t as enthusiastic about the A as some other xAPs seem to have been. Sometimes I feel sad when I read other EASers’ posts about their xAP begging for them to come back—declaring their dramatic, undying love. My xAP never did that. He never returned the “L” word when I said it. When I told him I was going NC, he said, “You’re right, thanks for being the strong one.” Yet he continues to fish for my attention, and tries to tell me how sad and depressed he is that I’m gone. It doesn’t make any sense.

Sometimes it makes me feel even sadder how torn up I am over this, that it is over someone who seemingly never loved me, or who never had the guts to admit that he loved me. It’s as if I could better justify this heartbreak if I had been in an A with someone who wanted to truly be with me, but in reality, I never even had an option of “being with” him. In fact, he was never even willing/able to admit that it was an affair at all. In his sad, screwed-up mind, we were just friends…very, very affectionate friends. It was easier for him to think that. Or, perhaps for him, it was the truth.

And that makes me sad. That I expended so much energy and so many tears over someone who wouldn’t even be honest with himself or me about what we were doing, what was happening to us. What a huge waste, what a huge desecration of my marriage and my dignity—running around, stealing kisses in cars in broad daylight, allowing his hands all over me at my desk within an earshot of all of our coworkers—and for what? For absolutely nothing. For this. For this big old mess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 4:31pm

I've been having similar thoughts today. Will I ever be able to forgive myself for geting involved with a man who seemed to care so little. And yes, he was one of those who was begging me back declarying his dramatic undying love (and I use world "love" loosely here, because his definition of love is obviously very different from mine).
He came back to me after we were apart for months and said he'll do anything for us to be together. He'll leave his wife because he can't be without me.
Right!
Of course nothing has changed. He pulled me back into the same affair crap and I had to break it off with him all over again. All of it meant nothing.

We'll be fine.

XOXO
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 6:26pm

Hey, sd~


I'm 3 months post-a, and I can relate somewhat. My xap did say the "L" word, but walked away 3 months ago and hasn't looked back.


Just this morning, I woke up thinking about him (this hasn't happened in a looooong time)...mind you, the thoughts have been less and less as the days/weeks/months pass (thank GOD), but I still hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 9:31pm

Hi SD,


Part of ending an A is changing our behavior that sometimes includes changing a routine.


How about setting up plans to do something with your DH next weekend or if you have children maybe include them and do something as a family unit if you cannot get a sitter? Maybe do both if you can fit it in. It

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 9:13am

Hi Silverdoe-

Weekends inside the A for me were the "deadzone." My xAP was with his W and kids and I was with my H, so often we would not talk. I used to hate weekends. I actually loved it when Monday rolled back around because I knew I'd get to talk to and see xAP again. My fear when I ended the A was that the weekends would continue to be the deadzone with nothing to look forward to when Monday rolled around (now creating a dead week). For the first time in a long time, I look forward to the weekends again. I spend all of the energy I was spending on the A on my M now and it has resulted in feeling so much closer to my DH. There is no longer any anxiety surrounding the weekends- of course I won't hear from XAP because that is OVER and that in and of itself is such a relief. Keep chugging along- take it day by day, find other things to fill your time and one day you will wake up and realize you haven't cried over xap or even thought about him in days.

Jane

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/