Weigh-In Day

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Weigh-In Day
29
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 1:08pm

And you will see that it is Thursday so no excuses; such as, I couldn't weigh in because I feel fat on Mondays.Tongue Out

Let us know how you are doing.  Are you doing okay?  Really okay?...and what's helping you do okay.  Just okay..and what's impeding you or keeping you stuck in just okay?  

Let us know how we can support you...okay?

(((group hug)))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 2:14pm
Thanks Birdie, it is comforting to hear that others have spent this much time, feeling unchanged, but then one day the light bulb goes on, or off, depending on your metaphor. I know I won't be the same person and that doesn't bother me, but I just want to be ONE person, not someone who is listening to a friend's conversation while thinking about someone I will never see again. I like the image of working your way back through the window, as I have thought of my Daisygates leading me back home, a little war weary, but home. I had a sickly tug an hour ago, as a registration for a professional conference popped up. It is on a research subject I am very much interested in, but it falls right on Valentine's Day which is the last time I saw him. It's in a lovely hotel, in a midpoint city and that's part of the old M.O., how we used to see each other. I just can't go and be there by myself - not strong enough yet. So, back to my elevator games, trying not to treat everyone to the repairman's crack - got to have a little dignity. Thanks Birdie, and have an awesome gig tonight!! XO Daisy
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 11:40am

Hey Birdsong

Isn't it a little premature to start posting awesome Vet-style posts? Wink

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2011
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 11:30am

Hey all--

Daisy, I just want you to know, it's like that. And you were in the A for a long time (longer than me, I think, and I was almost eight years). It has taken me the better part of a year to think of my A as something that *happened,* not something that is still happening. Even when you're NC, the thoughts and the pondering keep you *in* for a long time (because you're still thinking about it obsessively and chewing on that old bone and... well, for a while there I thought that if there were a special red light bulb over my head for every time I thought about him, I would look like Rudolph the Redhead.... It's hard to believe you're out of the A when you still think about it so much).

When I first started my A, I had this strong visual image that I had crawled out of a window of my "house" (not my real house, just my metaphorical one). After only a few weeks, I knew that that window was receding from me and I was looking back at it and feeling that there was no path back home. And I was doing that deliberately, without knowing where I was headed. (Yes, terrifying, but deliberate.) As this year has gone by, periodically I have flashed on that window and realized that I was getting closer to retracing my path back. The other day I realized that I was pretty much back in my house. That I am starting to recognize the person who left, and remember who I was then.

Granted, I will never be the same person, really. But none of us are. When you get on the train or the plane to begin a journey, the person who gets off afterwards is never the same person who got on. Life is change. But I am back in my house, and it's MY house, and I am the one who says so. And it was a choice to come back inside that window, one that only I understand.

My xAP sent my fellow band mate an email wishing us luck at the gig tonight. She forwarded it to the other two of us. He said Good luck to all of you tonight. I'm pretty sure he meant me to get that message. Yes, I considered what would happen if I wrote him back and thanked him. That's OK, I won't. I will never again be so easily sucked out of my window. I am the captain of my life--the ONLY captain.

So if you have to look at the wall of the elevator, you do that. There are streets in my town I won't look down, even now. You do what you have to do. And you will get there. You know the way back.

--Bird

 

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 8:58am

Ms Elevator Inspector...not sure if your intention was to give me a good chuckle over my first cup of coffee, but you did :)

Ya know, I consider six months not all that far out.  I know six months of NC and being affair free is a very big deal.  Sure, our actions (or lack of) make us Super Tweeners, but our thinking is not always up to speed with, or even on the same track of, the Super Tweener train.  We can still get a little derailed in our thinking.

Thankfully, though, you are aware enough to realize that a more proactive stance is in order, and I'm sure you'll figure out what that will entail.

Have a great day, Daisy

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 8:27am

I'll miss you, Soglad, but I understand totally.

I wish you the best of luck.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 7:56am

He has an ego problem and is a game player. Bad combination. You know that deep down.  You have seen it in other parts of his life. This isn't a surprise.

Is that what you want.  Egomaniac?  Game player?  Aren't you tired of all that? 

Don't you want stability? Don't you want someone you can count on?

What is it that keeps you on the edge?

Do you hang on to the fantasy that he is going to miraculously change?  He is going to leave wife and you two can be happy ever after? Everything is going to change 180 degrees?  No one is going to get hurt?

You should run, Run away from that. As fast as you can. Run and hide. Do what ever it takes to stay NC.

Stunning awareness made you finally block his phone number?  Have you unblocked it yet?

You should already know this. THIS is a fight for your life.  It's a fight for your way of life.  Every person who loves you and is involved  here has their life is at risk here. 

A wise lesson to all, Block and walk. It works. It works 100% of the time.

 

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
In reply to: wClarity
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 7:48am
Good luck soglad
Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 5:10am

Hi Clarity! I'm doing good, though I'm kind of stagnating in that I'm not really moving particularly forward in my journey, but I am in a good place and am feeling happy with my lot. My outstanding issue is that thoughts of xAP still occupy too much of my time, and I have had an epiphany, I think that I am punishing myself .... because I did a bad thing I am punishing myself by continually allowing my A and xAP to invade my mind, and sometimes I am wallowing in it.So, I've decided to take a break from the boards, so that I can work on letting go of this last piece of the jigsaw. I have realised that in the same way that I am in control of NC and whether I have a relationship with xAP or not, I am also in control of whether I allow xAP to occupy my thoughts and whether or not I allow myself to move forward and reach the stage of indifference. For example, I heard a comment on TV yesterday about a man "having his cake and eating it too" and then I went into my usual self-pity, poor me mode of "xAP had his cake and was eating it too, he just used me to fill the void in his life" blah blah blah, and then I realised, well actually he did have his cake and eat it because I allowed him to, in fact I actually handed him the cake on a plate and suggested that he eat as much of it as he liked, and the problem therefore was not in him having his cake and eating it (if it hadn't have been me it would have been someone else) the problem actually was that I gave him my cake freely and willingly and allowed him to tuck right in to his heart's contentFrown

So cheerio for now everyone, I may or may not be back but I wish you all well on your journeys and hope that you reach a state of peace, contentment and happiness.

Much love to you all, Soglad x o x

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
In reply to: wClarity
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 12:32am

Watch out kids, WIDE LOAD weighing in here! How am I? Well let's see.. I did some wash this week, and paid a bill. I have worked ~ 60 hours and it's only Thursday. I got in the elevator today and once again turned towards the wall, so I wouldn't look over to see if xAP was there next to me (elevators are a big trigger), because then I would be on Memory Lane and counting chest hairs (his, not mineLaughing).  Then I get in touch with my creative side when the elevator stops and someone gets in, and sees my...back. So far I have pretended to be someone from a Slavic nation who doesn't speak the language, someone working as an elevator inspector and updating the safety inspection certificate, and the world champion slowest shoe-tier in New England. Whadeva.

My point is, NC is easy - I have no way/urge to contact him. Why would I, when he is still in my head, my thoughts, my life, my dreams - it is one lousy twist of fate, when you think after the first few months of apron-wringing (dating myself) you'll be all better. It's been six+ months and many things ARE better, don't get me wrong and cling to the caramel-encrusted affair wrapper because Daisy said it's just as sticky and nutty afterwards - not true. Nicer moments of clarity in all aspects of RL crop up because I'm not planning the next hookup and grooming the ol' pony to be ready. But I am just surprised at the time that has passed, and that xAP is still here in my head. The Easy Button I ordered did not work, so clearly, there is more proactive work I need to do - it's not all about just waiting. When the next weigh-in occurs I hope to offer more insight!

Thanks my friends, for being there -

XO Daisy

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 11:00pm

Hey Blondehigh

I think that even though you may sometimes feel like you are on the edge of doing wrong, you will retain your power and thus be alRIGHT.  I can feel your strength and resolve in your posts.  I believe you are seeing him for who he is and this has helped you turn a major corner...there's no going back.

I agree with you, his ego has been badly bruised. This is all about him...him wanting to take back his power.

Throw your head back and give one of those wild laughs "BWAHAHAHAH...I've got the power now, SUCKER...and you'll never ever take it away from me again!  

Too much? Surprised

((hugs))

Clarity
 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

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