Weird feelings
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| Sat, 10-02-2004 - 10:33am |
Hey Everybody!
I hope you are all doing well and staying strong. I wasn't able to post as much as I wanted to the past week, but hopefully I'm back in full force. I know I need it!
Well, I THINK I am doing ok. It's been almost a week since my final slip-up. I feel confident that I really want this to be over this time, even though I still want that high I got from him and his attention. I want peace and honestly more. I'm having such a spectrum of emotions. Earlier in the week I was craving him and couldn't stop thinking about him. Then (even though I know I am done with him, HE didn't know that yet) wondered why I hadn't heard from him and got very sad and depressed and felt so used. Then I got an email and got "high" again. I responded, but kept it short and pertaining to work. Then I saw him. It was strictly work, and we were friendly. I can NOT believe the physical reaction I had. It was almost manic! When I knew he was coming (and that I could not get out of it) I couldn't sit still, I paced, the adrenaline was CRAZY! When I saw him and had to have a short conversation,


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I think the feelings/reactions you are experiencing are, unfortunately, par for the course with this sort of thing. Until there is more distance from the A, you will probably continue to struggle with these feelings. I know for me, the first few weeks of NC was like I was going through withdrawl, I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, had headaches/stomachaches.
Part of it is making a conscious decision on your part to keep the NC and to stand by that decision, as hard as it may be at times. As far as any conversation that you might have with him, maybe for now, just maintaining the NC is enough. In my situation that didn't exactly work in the beginning, OM just didn't "get it" that I wanted it to be over. So I had to pretty much tell him (through an e-mail) that I did not want contact with him.
See how the next week pans out, and how you are feeling then. Each day you will feel stronger. There will be ups and downs, highs and lows, but just know in your heart that you are making the right choice with the NC.
Keep us posted and let us know how you are doing.
((hugs))
Circe
I remember the pounding heart and sweating hands, it got so bad at one point I thought I was going to have a heart attack.
Don't cave and it will pass in time, I see XOM several times a month now on work related stuff and hve no problem keeping things professional, you will get there.
Notice you words Lliy
"It's been almost a week since my final slip-up" you said your final slip up, you sound like a woman that has made that internal decision that your not going there again, believe yourself and your going to make it.
Please keep plugged into the board you need it now, there really is strength in numbers.
Hang tough
Free
You wrote exactly what I feel. You sound so strong though and it seems like you have really made up your mind. GOOD FOR YOU!!! Awesome! I tell my friends this all of the time - but like all things, this too shall pass. I forgot who to credit that quote with!
I agree with Free - look at the language you are using to describe this - you sound strong!
Keep it up! It is the feelings you describe that I am having a hard time dealing with. I read your posts and think that I really should be doing as well.
Thanks for sharing and posting here still! It helps tremedously just to know that we are not alone in this and other people can get through it!
HUGS!!!!
-lazy
Hi Lazy!
You are so sweet. Thanks for the support! I wish I FELT stronger! Here's my secret...if you want things to be over, or even if you WANT to WANT things to be over, you've got to start talking as though they are. I started calling him xOM, not OM, and I started to believe it! I'm human, but if I THINK of last weekend as my final slip-up, it will be. It's all about thinking positive and taking baby steps to live your life free from this drama. Ironically, xOM told me once "think it and it shall be" or some version of that. Well, I'm going to use those words now to my advantage! :) The feelings are still there, but I'm trying to make positive choices in my actions.
Hope you're doing ok!
Lily
Free and Circe,
Thanks so much for your encouragement and support. I still can't shake this yucky, nauseous feeling in my tummy, but I keep reading and re-reading your posts and it helps.
Hope you have a great week! :)
Thanks again!
The strongest "sex" organ in our body is our brain. It controls all of our urges and impulses, and in order to feel sexually/emotionally aroused, the brain must first process whatever imput it's receiving before it can respond. The nervousness, the sweaty palms, and the pounding heart are all physcial responses to "imput" that the brain is now struggling to accept. Your "MASTER" sex organ is in a flux! Instead of freely processing all of those "feel-good" impulses that OM once set off, it is now closing off certain channels AND your adrenaline HAS literally kicked in. Those "Fight or Flight" reactions in the brain are trying to rescue you. IOW, having to confront what you ~believe~ is your "biggest weakness" (OM), is being processed as having to confront your "biggest fear."
~FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real~
NOW for the good news: We can reprogram our responses. We can redirect our urges and impulses. We can "literally" close down our reactionary channels to any uncomfortable imput we choose. HOW? Whenever you think of him, counter-react that thought with something unpleasant.(Not something he did, just something you loathe like spiders or centipedes..) Whenever he pops into your brain, UNPOP him. What I do is quickly visualize him in a bubble that floats away and explodes. Whenever your heart starts to hurt, think of something amazing (birth of your child, the ocean at your feet, etc.)
WE have the power to recondition our brain. We have amazing ability to heal our own bodies. And for women (like you and me) who still have to see them at work, I played over and over in my brain "You will never touch me again. You will never hurt me again." Eventually it sank in, and one day I realized there were NO more adrenaline reponses when he entered the room. This is when I knew that the battle was over and I no longer had to fear this addiction any longer. He had finally been purged from my sex-organ :)
Stay strong...and remember, your entire future will depend on this strength.
~True~
Wow...well said!!! I am going to try that! I had been doing well with NC until I had to make contact for business reasons last week. Went well, but then I saw XMM at the school the other day picking up his kids--hadn't laid eyes on him for awhile. So he has now been popping into my head again this weekend.
I am going to try the mental association you have suggested -- great advice for lilyann and many others I'm sure. Thanks -- this board is just what I need!
You are more than welcome and "yes", this board and the (ALL SIDES board) became my life preserver when I was drowning a few months back. I return whenever I need a *fix*, so to speak, and in the process offer support when I read a post that hits close to home.
Hope you'll stick around,
~True~
True,
I am so glad you're back!!! We missed you! :)
Thanks for the great advice and the reassurance that this is all part of it! I will try to reprogram my brain-you are right...my future does depend on it.
Lily
I also have to see XMM at work and it has been exactly two months since I stopped the A. It has not been easy, especially those first few weeks trying to keep a decent working relationship and trying to keep some type of friendship, I thought.
I can tell you it does get a little easier each week. I find that I resent his attempts to still try and manipulate me and I see him clearly for what he is and it makes it easier and easier to break that spell he once had over me.
You are doing really well thus far. Keep it up and each little victory we have helps us build our strength.
Stay strong and have a peaceful week.
IP
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