Weird feelings

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Weird feelings
13
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 10:33am

Hey Everybody!


I hope you are all doing well and staying strong. I wasn't able to post as much as I wanted to the past week, but hopefully I'm back in full force. I know I need it!


Well, I THINK I am doing ok. It's been almost a week since my final slip-up. I feel confident that I really want this to be over this time, even though I still want that high I got from him and his attention. I want peace and honestly more. I'm having such a spectrum of emotions. Earlier in the week I was craving him and couldn't stop thinking about him. Then (even though I know I am done with him, HE didn't know that yet) wondered why I hadn't heard from him and got very sad and depressed and felt so used. Then I got an email and got "high" again. I responded, but kept it short and pertaining to work. Then I saw him. It was strictly work, and we were friendly. I can NOT believe the physical reaction I had. It was almost manic! When I knew he was coming (and that I could not get out of it) I couldn't sit still, I paced, the adrenaline was CRAZY! When I saw him and had to have a short conversation,

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: lilyann77
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 11:59am
Hey Lily,

Dont check this on the weekends for fear my H will be able to somehow trace it but saw your post and wanted to see how you were feeling today?

I felt a lot of those emotions you are feeling and that is why I would feel that if we had closure it would make things better. I have to tell you that I NEVER felt better. We ended things several times and we put what we thought was closure to it. But we would always give in. I really believe the NC way is the best way. I have learned that you never really resolve anything. There are no solutions or good feelings that come out of talking about it. Or at least I found that. I always felt worse after it. I struggled to believe that the No Contact rule didnt apply to me when I would read the posts. I was convinced that what we had was "different" and that we could maintain contact and be fine. I of course was very wrong. I can't allow myself to be truly happy with him around. Just a fact of life.

Those feelings you get when you see him. So very normal. One day though...they will go away. Think of when you had an ex-boyfriend and at the time you thought you would die w/o him and now...you probably dont give a second thought and when you do you wonder what you ever saw in him. Anyway, you were upset that he wasnt moved at all but remember you were dying on the inside but you said yourself that you composed yourself quite well in front of him and didnt really show him what you were feeling. Who knows what he was really feeling too. But again...WHO CARES!!!

Care about you and your family and focus on what you need to do to be happy again...I am sure you were once very happy before getting into this mess, no???

You can get back there again. With a little work, alot of healing and maitaining your no contact (at least no personal contact). I empathise with you that you have to see him at work.

Wishing you a happy weak and lots of strength.

XO!

Dipss

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
In reply to: lilyann77
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 12:10pm
Thank you, Dipss!

You're post made a lot of sense and was very reassuring.

I am doing well, today! I had a GREAT weekend with my hubby- the best in months! I feel more connected to him than I have in a very long time. I need to feed that connection and keep it going so I won't get into a mess like this again.

It is a little harder being here at work today. I hate to admit it, but I am wondering if I will hear from him today, this week, etc. But I know FOR SURE that I will not be contacting him. I won't weaken myself to be in that position. Waiting, wondering, boosting his ego by letting him know I'm thinking of him. Just not going to happen.

I will have weak moments, but I will tell you guys, not him. I'm ready to be past this for good.

THANKS AGAIN! Especially for telling me that closure never helped you. I need to hear that.

XOXO!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
In reply to: lilyann77
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:48pm
Just wanted to thank you all again for your support. It helped me get through the rough spots this weekend. I am having a GREAT Monday! Of course, I've been on the board all day and haven't gotten any work done, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do! :) Feeling good about hubby and very positive about our future.

:)

XOXO

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby

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