well I contacted XMM after 2 years...
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|Tue, 04-22-2003 - 5:29pm|
So today we talked, bright and early in the morning. The conversation was only about 20 minutes. It was nice, his manner was cool and breezy as I remember. He didn't make a big deal out me contacting him again. It was almost as if we hadn't really had a break up or even an affair even--that part of the conversation was nice. Then we sort of caught each other up on stuff. I let him talk first. And as for him, everything is the SAME. Still "unhappily" married, still probably screwing around on the side (though he didn't say that), and still believes in keeping "family" together. Only thing that changed is his work, but in a way that's the same too. I guess maybe he substitutes work for his lovelife or something. Then it was my turn to talk, and since he and I split up my situation has changed. I told him my H and split up, and we'll be filing in June. He said he was surprised, he had hoped we would work it. His exact words... "I was praying you guys would stay together, I guess my prayers have gone unanswered." (join the club, huh?LOL). We chit chatted a little more, he talked mostly about one of his kids. Then he sort of offered to open the lines of contact again. I was the one that broke it off in the beginning, so I guess since I contacted him he thought I wanted him back. Well when he offered me his private phone number (cause I had contacted him at his job) I politely declined. I said "oh no, it's all right, I won't be calling again, I've pretty much moved on. Just wanted to call this one time". He didn't say anything, then we politely closed the conversation and that was it.
I feel better now. At least I've let go of my hope and since I mentally and physically moved on, I will just keep on movin. So what healed me? Time and perseverence. Understanding the immorality of keeping up the affair helped with the perseverence-though I haven't been exactly digging in the Bible for that understanding. For me it's been more along the lines of karma. You do wrong, wrong things will happen. Though I guess technically divorce and maybe wishing someone else would divorce is wrong, but who's perfect? What else helped in my perseverence? Maybe looking at things realistically, and maybe even selfishness. I mean as much as I wanted this guy I just could not stand playing second fiddle to his W and kids. Had he been divorced I would have accepted his fatherhood obligations coming before me, but I was not going to be his #2 woman. And from the realistic perspective, there really is no reason for someone to be married to someone else and carrying on a deep and meaningful relationship with another person. If the marriage is that bad then leave it, kids can heal from split parents (if the parents can be adults and get along with each other for the kids sake); financially it's hard but one can survive; etc. I mean I'm married myself (with a child) and am about to divorce, so I just don't buy the excuses. Never did buy them.
So this is really it with me. No more fantasies about him and about "us". I mean even this married guys that have recently been posting helped me understand. For them it is just fantasy and diversion. Maybe they really do love and care (I think my XMM did) but it's simply not enough. I'm not angry or bitter. A little hurt, but finally I feel like it's a "good" hurt. I needed this hurt for my growth.