well I contacted XMM after 2 years...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
well I contacted XMM after 2 years...
5
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 5:29pm
and OUCH! I actually called on Friday and ended up leaving a message at his job. We have not seen or spoken to each other in 2 years. What possessed me to do it? Well I missed him and in spite of the moving on I've done I still had some hope deep in my heart that he was and what we had was "different". He called me back a couple of days after I left the message, well actually I think he called back the next day but because I didn't answer I think he chickened out and hung up.

So today we talked, bright and early in the morning. The conversation was only about 20 minutes. It was nice, his manner was cool and breezy as I remember. He didn't make a big deal out me contacting him again. It was almost as if we hadn't really had a break up or even an affair even--that part of the conversation was nice. Then we sort of caught each other up on stuff. I let him talk first. And as for him, everything is the SAME. Still "unhappily" married, still probably screwing around on the side (though he didn't say that), and still believes in keeping "family" together. Only thing that changed is his work, but in a way that's the same too. I guess maybe he substitutes work for his lovelife or something. Then it was my turn to talk, and since he and I split up my situation has changed. I told him my H and split up, and we'll be filing in June. He said he was surprised, he had hoped we would work it. His exact words... "I was praying you guys would stay together, I guess my prayers have gone unanswered." (join the club, huh?LOL). We chit chatted a little more, he talked mostly about one of his kids. Then he sort of offered to open the lines of contact again. I was the one that broke it off in the beginning, so I guess since I contacted him he thought I wanted him back. Well when he offered me his private phone number (cause I had contacted him at his job) I politely declined. I said "oh no, it's all right, I won't be calling again, I've pretty much moved on. Just wanted to call this one time". He didn't say anything, then we politely closed the conversation and that was it.

I feel better now. At least I've let go of my hope and since I mentally and physically moved on, I will just keep on movin. So what healed me? Time and perseverence. Understanding the immorality of keeping up the affair helped with the perseverence-though I haven't been exactly digging in the Bible for that understanding. For me it's been more along the lines of karma. You do wrong, wrong things will happen. Though I guess technically divorce and maybe wishing someone else would divorce is wrong, but who's perfect? What else helped in my perseverence? Maybe looking at things realistically, and maybe even selfishness. I mean as much as I wanted this guy I just could not stand playing second fiddle to his W and kids. Had he been divorced I would have accepted his fatherhood obligations coming before me, but I was not going to be his #2 woman. And from the realistic perspective, there really is no reason for someone to be married to someone else and carrying on a deep and meaningful relationship with another person. If the marriage is that bad then leave it, kids can heal from split parents (if the parents can be adults and get along with each other for the kids sake); financially it's hard but one can survive; etc. I mean I'm married myself (with a child) and am about to divorce, so I just don't buy the excuses. Never did buy them.

So this is really it with me. No more fantasies about him and about "us". I mean even this married guys that have recently been posting helped me understand. For them it is just fantasy and diversion. Maybe they really do love and care (I think my XMM did) but it's simply not enough. I'm not angry or bitter. A little hurt, but finally I feel like it's a "good" hurt. I needed this hurt for my growth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 6:50pm
Good post - thanks for sharing. It gave some things to think about.

Best of luck - sounds like you are on your way to much happiness.

Lyssa
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 1:49am
SEE! I believe final closure is a very important thing! You sound like you got it! Sometimes unanswered prayers are just the opposite! They have been answered just not the way we wanted! You did the best thing to help yourself! I do know that the divorce will be hard but, you have a whole new sun rising just for you! Bask in it! Find yourself before you find another guy! Seize your power and hold it tight! And remember karma is a good thing! It humbles us!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 8:54am
This is why I have been wanting to leave that message I have been talking about - FINAL CLOSURE. I didn't get any and I understand what everyone is saying here and I know it has only been two months but I also know that I would never be involved in a A again. I am so confused. I was doing very well moving forward but I just think I let the man get off easy by not saying my peace, like I am just a doormat - go ahead walk all over me and say and do whatever you want because I will let you - well screw him. He only has to answer to the W because he is married? That is not right. And I know his W is crazy and I have to consider the fact that if I contact him she might consider it harrassment. uGHHHH - where is this anger coming from?

SORRY TO RANT AND RAVE - thanks for listening.

Lyssa
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 12:46pm
lyssa I really understand where you are coming from because I was there myself, a long time ago, during the first few months after breaking the A off. All I'd like to say for you is to channel that anger into something constructive. In a way it's just another powerful emotion, a source of energy. Diffuse it through something that can be useful to you.

And really, understand that your silence is not weakness. It's really strength. Not responding to them is like saying "I don't care, you didn't mean that much to me and I've moved on." It really does show you being a bigger person. I think the retaliating attitude is sort of on the low and small side myself. I understand it, and as I said I have felt that before, but I rarely act out on it. But then that's more cause it's just not my nature. So really know thyself. If you want to get back or say your final words, well do it. If the wife acts crazy, well screw her too, go ahead and deal with the consequences of your actions.

And back to the silence thing...I mean everyone on the board whines about why doesn't he call, why doesn't he talk, what's going on with him?...Why do we care? What do his actions say to us? That he doesn't care and that hurts us. Well we have the power to give that same silent treatment right back to them. And maybe they don't interpret the silence the same way we do, who cares? I pushed myself to act like a "man" and just play it off like the break up and no contact was no big deal. And after almost a year it really worked. Fake it till you make it. Plus, I really did try to act and process some of the EMA information and actions through the eyes of the man. Men and women are different, we act and think differently. And for me to try and interpret certain things I did and said (and certain things he did and said) through the perspective of a man helped me. I have a few guy friends and getting their imput helped, reading psychological stuff helped. And of course just working on my own self, trying to understand the root of my attachment to XMM. It's a lot of soul searching, and you can't really do that if you are harboring animosity or anxiety, or other "negative" emotions. But again, some of this stuff is just in my nature, I'm more of a "calm" and peaceful type, sort of on the introspective side.

I totally understand your pain and frustrations, I hope you can just work it out for yourself and get a deeper understanding and just "let it go". You're not a sucker, or a wimp, or whatever you thought your silence said to him. And the W, well like some other people have said on this board, these guys create their own chaos. I'm glad I'm no longer a part of Mr. and Mrs. XMM's crazy loop. It hurts on one level but at this point for me I feel like I've grown stronger through the pain. Peace out. Oh and thanks for the support ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 6:31pm
Thanks for your support and kind words too, that is why I come here, because I am not the person to call and show my anger, but every once in a while boy do I feel like it!

Take Care

Lyssa