Well I did it, but now I don't know...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2009
Well I did it, but now I don't know...
5
Tue, 12-01-2009 - 12:21pm

Well I can't really believe I did it. I finally hit that send button. I couldn't tell you how many times I talked to myself in pretend conversations or how many times I typed up my goodbye email.


In the end, it was like 5 sentences, short quick and to the point. I guess my 'vent/problem/question' is now this;


I am second guessing myself, was it really the right thing to do? Is that really what needed to happen? He never did lie to me about anything and I know he was not using me (evidence to which I cannot post confirms these things so you'll have to trust me there).


On one hand I feel like I've drawn the line in the sand and said I go no further. I no longer will hide. You want this you have to come to me. I want you to give me more. I deserve to be public. We deserve to be public. There will never be 'a good time' to start. You just start! You keep saying you're unhappy, I'm calling your bluff. You know what I bring to the table, either it's enough or it's not. But I'm too tired to carry this by myself anymore. I'm not getting enough in return to stay strong.


On the other hand I feel like I threw away something worth keeping and working on. I gave up his trust and love. I knew what he could/could not bring. I knew his limits and the situation as it was. Shouldn't I jhave been more patient and understanding? I knew his struggles and why. It's like I told him, you're not trying hard enough even though I know what is going on right now and the things he has to deal with right now. And to be honest there were times I was happy still being 'single' as it were. I liked not having all the answering stuff and sharing that goes along with relationships.


So what the Heck is wrong with me??? I know some of you will have some tough love responses, I only ask you be gentle.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Tue, 12-01-2009 - 5:29pm

Affairs bring out all the emotions known to man so I think it's normal to throw "wish-washy" in there too.

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2009
Tue, 12-01-2009 - 5:56pm

So yeah we'll throw wishy-washy in too! You mean disaapointment isn't NORMAL?? ;) Here I thought I just needed to aquire a taste for it or something. hehehe


I

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 12:11am

My story.


I'm single, he was married.

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 1:08am

I think it's pretty normal to second guess yourself....especially when you feel that you shut the door for good.


You took the plunge for a good reason.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2009
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 9:28am

Yes I am single and the ball is in his court now. The struggles I had with the situation were discussed frequently. I knew this would eventually happen if his part did not 'progress' or change at all. We had DDays, I've spoken with the W several times, etc. etc. I knew and he knew there was only so much I would tolerate.


I think the majority of my struggle to leave was because I felt like I was letting a friend down. Yes we started out as lovers but became friends. Take away the romance/sex part which was about 40%, and the other 60% was stuff I'd discuss with any of my friends. So thats what makes it hard for me, whether or not it makes sense..... But Hey - this IS EAS and um....well we all know what wonderful choices lead us to be on this board right? lol


So yeah I know not everything has been like the best thing I could have decided, but I guess you make (usually!) the best decisions you can with the information you have at the time right?


So just one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. Pretty soon I'll look back and will be amazed at how much time has past.


And the more time that passes, yeah, the dream of "us" will fade until it doesn't hurt so much and really won't bother me that it didn't happen.


for now, I'll just try to tackle today.....

Scarlet