Well I got caught

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2014
Well I got caught
7
Mon, 03-03-2014 - 11:05am

Tomorrow is 2 weeks since D-Day. I have been wanting to post but haven't had time because of all the craziness that has happened. I have posted a few times on here, with my story being on the MAS board. Anyway, in a nutshell, I am a married woman having an affair with a married man who is my co-worker for about 4 months. Anyway, on Tues. 2/18/14, AP and I were messaging early in the AM. I told him I had to jump in the shower and that I would see him at work. I deleted the conversation as always, and jumped in the shower. When I got out of the shower, my H was standing at the vanity with my phone. The AP had sent one more (inappropriate) message after I deleted the conversation. Needless to say, I was shellshocked. I just stood there not knowing what to do. My H said some threatening remarks and retreated to the basement. I wanted to run after him and tell him it was innocent, but I knew in my heart that I was caught. I continued getting ready for work and I heard my H leave the house. I immediately contacted AP to let him know I was caught and to be on the lookout. He blocked my on FB, blocked my husband from the ability to find him on FB, blocked our phone numbers etc. I went on to work, not knowing what else to do. AP stopped by my office begging me to lie. I finally went home to my H and confessed the whole thing. He has been on a roller coaster. He was mean and insulting, he got drunk and left the house late that night. He called my AP at work and left a threatening voicemail. He texted my family members and told them. The next day I did not go to work and he changed and became a sobbing mess begging me to end the A and stay with him. Long story short, we have decided we want to work things out and have scheduled marriage counseling for next week. I had a few contacts with the AP that week. He wanted to know the status, was my H coming after him. He blocked his W FB and phone from us ever contacting her. He told her my name and that we had been texting and my H thought we were having an A, but it was a lie. I told him my H was crazy that we worked together and that he should stay away and any contact must be professional only. Last week my H went crazy and set up a fake FB account and messaged his W that it was all true. AP emailed me the next day to tell me it happened and that she told him to leave. He had told her we had met after work to talk about our problems, but that we had only “made out”, no sex. He must think she is very naïve. I told him that I sincerely hope that she would calm down and they could work things out. (I do mean this, although I am crazy about him and wish we could continue, I ultimately care about him and want him to be happy.) He then called me at work very upset, she had kicked him out and he was looking for a place to live. He asked me to beg my husband to leave his W alone, and I assured him that my H was done. His W ended up calling my H and they met for a talk. My H told her everything. He is not sure she believed him about everything, but she ensured that she was finished with him. My last contact with AP was to call him at work and let him know that his W and my H had met. I saw him the next day at work and he walked right by my door and ignored me, as I had asked. I am an emotional wreck right now. I want to work things out with my H, but I miss my AP so much! I want to email him and tell him how sorry I am. I want to know the status of his marriage. Should I? I know I should be going NC. I feel so guilty that my H wants to work our marriage out, but it sounds like his is done. I know he probably blames me that I got us caught and that my H told his W and ruined his marriage. My H is scared that he will now try to come back for me, if his M is truly over. I am anxious about that as well. I am so vulnerable to him, my feeling are so strong. Sorry this is so long. Any advice would be appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2009
Mon, 03-03-2014 - 1:43pm

OMG Blue.  I am so sorry for you.

I'm also sorry that I can't offer any advice.  You are living my nightmare!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Mon, 03-03-2014 - 1:57pm
It looks like you have some decisions to make. Do you want to work things out with your husband? Are there children involved? If you want to keep your marriage, then you must understand your husband's roller coaster behavior. It is understandable that he has feelings of betrayal, hurt and anger mixed in with fear. It is good that he is willing to work on things. Counseling is a great step. You need to decide if that is what you really are willing to work toward. As for the AP and your feelings. As you read here, you will realize that the feelings are more often than not just part of the affair. The addiction of the affair, the secrecy, adrenaline, flattery, not necessarily love and devotion.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 03-03-2014 - 2:17pm

I'm sorry you have experienced a Discovery Day.  At this point,  both of you should stay NC and each work on repairing work the damage inflicted...each in your own way...on your own timeframe.  

No further communication.  Both parties went into this affair with eyes wide open; and although no one opened their eyes wide enough to look up ahead at the consequences or allowed themselves to imagine how the betrayed parties would respond in the face of betrayal, you can see very clearly now.

It is very normal to want to reach out to each other to see you are holding up, but any further connect would be inappropriate.  The affair is over...both of you are on your own to pick up the pieces.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2014
Thu, 03-06-2014 - 9:01am

I can't figure out how to update my original post, I guess I just hit this reply button (I am challenged Laughing).  Anyway, today will be one week since email/verbal etc. NC.  I have seen the AP several times at work, but we just speak and move on.  I swear he looked at me with disgust yesterday, but I can't worry about that.  I still have the strong urge to write him an I'm sorry it turned out this way, how are things going with you letter, but I have refrained.  I still care about him, and I guess I always will on some level.  We were friends and coworkers first, so I guess that is to be expected.  I have anxiety everyday at work, wondering if I will run into him, but hopefully that will get better over time.

My H and I had our first marriage counseling session yesterday, and it went very well.  I am still continuing with my personal therapy also.  I feel that my marriage is getting stronger everyday.  I believe that each day and with more communication with my H, I will be stronger and able to say no if the AP makes any attempt at contact.  The counselor suggested a book for me called "Not Just Friends, Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity" by Shirley Glass.  I have it on reserve at the bookstore and will pick it up after work today. 

On another not, I have seen many posts by Clarity.  I guess you are the board leader/moderator?  You always have really good advice on all the posts on here.  I was wondering if you would care to share your personal story, or where can I look to find it.  (Pretty new on here so I am trying to figure this place out.)  Anyway, I was just interested. 

Here's hoping to another new week and getting stronger each day to recover from this mess that I have created!

 

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 03-06-2014 - 12:19pm

Good for you from refraining saying anything further to him. Bowing out gracefully and with dignity allows us to move forward in a healthy way. If we make contact just to get in our last words, they sometimes don't come out so nice and then we need to make contact to apology, or sometimes we realize later that they didn't need to know or even no longer deserved to know our inner most thoughts and regret that almost the minute we hit the send button, and sometimes we find ourselves opening up the door again to the affair, and sometimes we end up all kinds of engaged again in our mind...'did he read it?, will he respond?, what did he think if it? how come he hasn't replied with his apology or feelings, that ratbastard ignored me!...'

I'm happy to hear you are reconnecting with your husband.  You are one lucky lady that your husband wants to rebuild.  Some simply walk out the door.

My story is neither special nor different. And I hate telling a story when I don't come out looking so good, but for you....

At the age of 13, for years, I had a crush (from afar) on the cutest boy in the neighborhood. He was 4 years older; and although I believed he liked me too, I was too young and wayyy to geeking for him...without getting razed by his friends. Anywho, met up 30 years later. He had married, had four children, was not divorced but separated and living in his mother's house in the old neighborhood...and involved in a long-term relationship. I was back in the old neighborhood when my birth parents died and left me the house.  We connected and I played out that crush, driven by a teenage heart. He wouldn't leave his ltr, I responded like a teenager...problem was, I was now 43.  It lasted five years, even though I could have saved myself only one week in.  For five years, I tried to make a square peg fit into a round hole...and we all know how that pans out. We went NC several times...each time our egos getting in the way. If he went NC, I worked at drawing him back. If I went NC, he would have none of that and would pull me back in.  Around and around we went.  I want to say it was a waste of time, but I used it as a learning experience.

So, that's my story...and I'm sticking to it :)

You are getting stronger every day....I can see it in your posts.

Keep it hummin'

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2014
Mon, 03-17-2014 - 11:48am

Thanks for sharing Clarity. I have been wanting to post lately, but our computers at work are not cooperating lately.  I really don't have a chance to post from home, as the H has me under constant surveillance! 

Tomorrow is week 4 of life after D-Day.  It has been hard.  I did have one moment of weakness when I saw the AP at work.  I asked him how he was, he said good.  He asked me how I was, I said good.  He then turned and walked away without a backwards glance.  Not sure if his W has taken him back, but it appears that he still hates me either way.  That is tough to deal with.  I really miss our friendship.  I hope this feeling goes away soon.  It's so hard when you have to work with that person.  Also, his W texted my H wondering what type of car I drove.  Apparantly someone in a Honda has been driving by her house nonstop.  I believe the AP has deleted all of his social media accounts.  Knowing him, there is some other woman trying to track him down.  Oh well, not my concern. 

Anyway, two sessions of marital therapy are done.  It seems to be going well.  My H is still so depressed and he cries/sobs all the time.  I hate that I have hurt him so much.  He wants us to work one minute and then he doesn't the next.  He says I show no emotions at all.  I agree that I am pretty "numb".  Is that due to grief over loss of the AP?  Is so, when will it go away?  Or do I actually want to get out of my marriage and the affair was a way to do that?

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 03-17-2014 - 4:57pm

I'm sorry, bluethoughts

I don't really have any answers.  I can only imagine how difficult it must be for your husband...the push and pull of wanting to stay...or wanting not to stay.  And then therapy keeping everything at the surface for him...it's important he do it...but he's like a raw exposed nerve. He's been deeply wounded, and it has probably also brought to the surface past wounds.

Maybe your numbness can be likened to shellshock...from the end of your affair AND after the big bomb landed? That' my guess, and I figure it's normal...and maybe it acts like an insulation against the pain of the fallout...yours and your betrayed husband.

I wouldn't do too much assessing about your marriage at this point.  You need to get on solid ground before making any decisions about that.  That could take some time.  Please, give it time because, right now, maybe it's easier to think about running away from it or throwing in the towel than withstanding the pain that stands before you...and what lies ahead.

Give it time and do your best to be open and honest with your husband and yourself.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board