Well, I was doing well until....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Well, I was doing well until....
16
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 3:32pm
I slipped, bad.



I went out to the mall before during my break and as soon as I got in my car, I called MM. Wasn't sure if he was working today but I took a chance. He answered. It was really noisy so I could tell he was working. I couldn't really hear him, and the phone was breaking up. He said he wasn't sure if he could get me because he was on a job and it was hard to hear. Then I talked and he kept saying hello, hello and it was breaking up, so I hung up. I waited a few mins and he didn't call so I went to the mall. Five mins later he called back, so I left the store I was in and went into the mall, found a corner to talk in. He said he couldn't talk, he was not supposed to be working but there was a problem with one of their jobs and he had to help out. I could hardly hear him it was really noisy. He asked if I was working tomorrow and he said he'd try to call me then. I asked how he was and he said good, how are things with you? The way he said it - it was so cold, like he was talking to some stranger, or just trying to be polite. I said fine. Then I asked him if he missed me. And he said my name, like he was annoyed. I said what, and he said, "listen, I can't talk... you know i miss you.. but I can't talk about this right now, I have to go." Then he hung up.



I was so upset I could barely walk out of the mall. I took deep breaths and tried not to have an anxiety attack. I made it through to the parking lot, luckily I didn't have far to walk. I got into my car and just started sobbing. I was practically hyperventilating. And then (here's the bad part)... I CALLED HIM BACK! What the F is wrong with me?!!? He answered and I said, can you call me on the way home? He said he wasn't sure what time he was leaving, but maybe. I said okay, I really want to talk to you. He said "babe, I am really busy, I can't talk." Then I hung up, I was upset. He called me babe and I was so happy but I know it's just habit and didn't mean anything to him.



I am upset, I am sick to my stomach and in the bathroom every 5 mins.

I am a wreck, help! Why did this happen - I was doing so well. What is it about this man that makes me act this way??!! Total NC is hard - this was more than a fling, this was real emotions, for a long, long time.

Those of you who have slipped like this, how did you recover? He's going to call tomorrow (or, maybe not) and I have no idea what that will do to me. Of course I am hoping he will admit he is miserable without me, and he's changed his mind, but we all know there's not much chance of that.

I feel like a loser today, seriously.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 3:47pm
This is so bizare because I have had this same conversation with my xmm so many times before. I would tell him that he was putting up a wall and he would say he wasn't then it would continue like that - cold coversations for a couple weeks then I would get the phone call --oh I miss you, I just need to talk to you, to touch you, to look into your eyes. And I would fall for it. hook...line and sinker. And I would be in the same boat AGAIN. I don't have much advice for you except when you get that urge to call back (mine used to be to not let him off the phone --all it would do would be to piss him off.) anyway, when you get that urge, go for a walk...get in your car, turn the radio up and scream your head off....go to the gym...the feeling will pass. Trust me, I've been there and done that...I would feel like my chest was going to explode and I was totally out of control, but it DOES pass.

Hang in there....you can do this. We can do this. All of us together - we are much stronger than we are giving ourselves credit.

Thinking of you,

:) Frisco

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 4:03pm
Hi NYC

I could have wrote this myself. I rarely post and had to respond to you because I have felt so many times the way you have. A LOSER! Mt A ended after many years, due to his move mostly. But we still had a very strong connection. Then one day out of no where he started acting different. I knew. I knew in my soul that something changed. I would call and email, and then call again. We had a very intense relationship and it was easy to see something was not the same and it put me over the edge. I cried many times, I also ranted an raved and would hang up and say what the F am I doing. Why? It took me many months to try to fight these feelings. I felt lost, confused and no where to go. My heart and soul had been crushed. I still to this day fight the urge to call him. I do this every day. I come here and read all the posts for some strength but sometimes it just is of no help. I miss him, and want him and no matter what I do that feeling will not go away. But I know everyday I have to try harder and harder to move on. Its not easy and it takes a toll on you. There are many women on here that have made such progress and I wish that one day I can do it to. I am a strong woman when it comes to anything else but with him I am so weak. I guess for me its hard to accept that he is not in my life anymore and work on trying to move on every day. Your emotions will make you do crazy things don't be so hard on yourself. Every time I pick up the phone to call him I try to remember the last time he made me cry and I put the phone down. Its a tough road and it will take me a long time to recover. You are not alone in what you feel. I wish I could be as open as you are and post more often, even now writing this is making me cry. So I guess I am a lose too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 4:16pm
NYC

YOUR NOT A LOSER,STOP TELLING YOURSELF THAT RUBBISH, believe in your ability to win over this addiction, you can and will win trust me on this today things will begin to change for you, believe it look in the mirror and tell yourself that your not a loser and that your taking you life back starting today.

Read the post below about addictive relationships, it is long but calk full of info.

NO CONTACT, Leave that phone turned off and at home when you go out.

YOU WILL WIN

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 5:10pm
((((((NYC)))))))

Sending you big hugs!

You had a setback- we've all had them. It's not the end of the world, although it does feel that way now. It's withdrawals, and each time you fight the urge to call him, the urges will lessen. I am so sorry you are hurting today. You are NOT a loser and Free is right. If you make up your mind, you can and WILL win.

We're here for you always!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 5:25pm
Wow - now I'm crying!! I COMPLETELY understand - as I'm sure most of us do. Set backs will happen. You just need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start again. No contact is so hard. I posted yesterday after my xOM drunk dialed me Saturday night. I didn't get his call (only because I was asleep), but part of me felt bad that I missed a chance to talk to him. Another part of me was angry that he called (we haven't spoken since Wednesday). When I feel like I am going to explode if I don't hear his voice - I try to remember all the phone calls and emails he didn't return - and how much WORSE that made me feel. Then I come here and post a message ;-) Don't feel like a loser - we're all human and we're all here for you!!

Actressdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 6:28pm
Dear Heartcrushed and the person before ( I forgot who)

I know I know how you feel. I have intense pain in my chest still--sometimes I have to lay on the floor in my office, I have to pray to Jesus, I have to take a walk, I have to talk to someone and I cry and cry (how many tears do I have left for this guy?) But what makes me not call is remembering the beginning when he chased me, when he was so in love with me, when he had to have me and his marriage was so bad and I left my 22 years marriage for him and then he didn't leave. How can I call him when he sleeps and has sex with his wife every night. How can I call him and chase him when I wanted him to chase me. How about all the nights I cried in my own place which I moved into for him and he never came one night because he was home with his family. How about every day I drive to work and look for his car and it is never there. If he loved me so much then why can he live without me, why doesn't he come to me. I can't go to him. I have done everything I can for him. I will not chase a mm and try to get him to leave his W. That is not me. I thought it was what he wanted. If he was going to change his mind he would come to me.

Also--he did come to me recently after over 100 days of NC and lied and said he was ready to get a divorce but wasn't and so we were back to the same old spiral and he is so "confused" Back to NC (25 days) If he takes real ACTION not words that would be the only way it would ever happen and the chances of that are small. I know this man now.

Are we going to give up and die for these mm? Lets not give up and die.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 7:28pm
can I just say that I REALLY believe it's not so much missing these xOM/xMMs as it is our pride dealing with rejection!? That's how we take it... but we HAVE to remember these xOM/xMMs get what they want and then they realize if they are gonna put the effort into something - it might as well be their marriage! Sad but true ladies! YOU HAVE to start looking at it as an internal issue - hurt pride. I know I do NOT understand why xMM would chose his wife over me... but he did and does and that's the way it is! And when I really think about HIM and how he mistreats me - NOT intentionally but just because it's what the situation calls for... I realize he isn't all that - infact surely it would be easier to put my effort into finding a guy who would treat me even 5 times better! :) Be there when I need him - be available to me - be able to plan a future with - etc. etc.

Anyway - I KNOW how hard it is - once my xMM decided we couldn't continue I called him once a month and made a fool of myself - but then somehow I stopped! :) And I'm glad I did... AND I'm GLAD I turned him down a month and a half ago when he wanted to see me! :)

It gets easier - don't beat yourself up - but you have to find some strength! :) One thing I've done is made sure his cell and home number is "silent" on my cell... that way if it rings I don't look at it and see it's him and WANT to answer! I might look at my phone an hour after he called and be like "oh I missed his call" bet that put him in his place! :) ROTFL!!!

Hang in there girls!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 12:02pm
"YOU HAVE to start looking at it as an internal issue - hurt pride. I know I do NOT understand why xMM would chose his wife over me... but he did and does and that's the way it is."

Yep...that's the crux of my problem. I know all about exMM's wife...and I am younger, prettier, thinner, smarter, better in bed, and more sophisticated (not being vain, really!). But he's been with her 12 years and they have a newborn. How could I compete with that, no matter how great I am? And frankly, if he couldn't recognize how wonderful a person I am, and want to be with me, why would I want him in the first place?

So yes, I am hurt that I wasn't "good enough" for him to leave his W and kid for. But really...that's not true. I am good enough for anyone. But the situation was so unnatural and so wrong, that you can't compare it to a "normal" relationship. That's why I don't sit around and analyze, like I might if we were both single, our conversations and my actions...b/c it just doesn't matter. Its over, and it never shouldn've happened in the first place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 2:29pm
NYC!

I read your post and I have to tell you how it pulled at my heart strings. Why you ask? Because most of us have probably been where you were at, at that moment in time. For some reason, at times, when we get that inexplicable feeling that overtakes our mind and ability to think clearly we are completely overcome with "this feeling" and we do things that in hindsight we probably shouldnt have done.

This "feeling" is difficult to explain but I think we all know that awful "feeling" that makes us want to just die. Or it feels like that at the time. When this "Feeling" comes about, well...we sometimes just cave. NORMAL!!! YOU ARE NOT A LOSER! THIS IS NORMAL! Yes honey, I am yelling at you (in a loving way of course)....stop beating yourself up. This A has already done that enough to you.

There have been times when I was overtaken by the "feeling" and just picked up the phone, emailed him...did crazy things that unfortunately dont make us really feel ANY better but in fact quite the opposite and then we feel like fools and have lost a little more self respect and dignity.

The A is really a drug. An addiction. And at times we just need a little bit to get us through. But a little is never quite enough now is it? So NYC...you from NY? I am assuming you are from your name...and if so, you New Yorkers are pretty tough and I KNOW THAT YOU CAN DO THIS!

Take a deep breath. Start again. Dont look back. There is nothing you can do to change the past. learn from it and move on. Do not speak to him. I promise you that it will not accomplish anything....and I also promise you that you will end up feeling worse.

You can do this. I know its hard. I struggle with this too but the one thing I do know is that I will not lose any more of my dignity by allowing that "feeling" to overcome my better judgement. hope this makes sense...rushing to finish a project but wanted to tell you that we are here for you and you will be fine!!

I am sending you a big ((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))

xo!

Dipss.

YOU ARE ONLY ALLOWED POSITIVE THOUGHTS ABOUT YOURSELF...SAVE THE NEGATIVE ONES FOR HIM. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 2:50pm
Thank you to everyone for your positive thoughts and support - today is a better day. No, he did not call for those of you who are wondering. I guess I am not surprised, I only half expected him to. Funny how he used to find time to call me 15x a day and now he's just too busy to even call me once. I just don't know what to think, but I guess if anything good came out of this, it's that I got the answer to my ongoing question of is he really thinking about me and missing me. He's not. Even though he said he is. If he was, he wouldn't be doing this. He knows I am hurting and he didn't call. Maybe he's mad that I didn't take/return his call last week. Maybe it's a power thing, who knows. But, I can sit here and try to read into it and analzye it all day, which I KNOW is a waste of my time, because I have no f*&#ing clue what goes on in this man's head!

Thanks again everyone, this board has gotten me through yet another crisis! You guys are the best!

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