Well, I was doing well until....
Find a Conversation
Well, I was doing well until....
| Mon, 10-11-2004 - 3:32pm |
I slipped, bad.
I went out to the mall before during my break and as soon as I got in my car, I called MM. Wasn't sure if he was working today but I took a chance. He answered. It was really noisy so I could tell he was working. I couldn't really hear him, and the phone was breaking up. He said he wasn't sure if he could get me because he was on a job and it was hard to hear. Then I talked and he kept saying hello, hello and it was breaking up, so I hung up. I waited a few mins and he didn't call so I went to the mall. Five mins later he called back, so I left the store I was in and went into the mall, found a corner to talk in. He said he couldn't talk, he was not supposed to be working but there was a problem with one of their jobs and he had to help out. I could hardly hear him it was really noisy. He asked if I was working tomorrow and he said he'd try to call me then. I asked how he was and he said good, how are things with you? The way he said it - it was so cold, like he was talking to some stranger, or just trying to be polite. I said fine. Then I asked him if he missed me. And he said my name, like he was annoyed. I said what, and he said, "listen, I can't talk... you know i miss you.. but I can't talk about this right now, I have to go." Then he hung up.
I was so upset I could barely walk out of the mall. I took deep breaths and tried not to have an anxiety attack. I made it through to the parking lot, luckily I didn't have far to walk. I got into my car and just started sobbing. I was practically hyperventilating. And then (here's the bad part)... I CALLED HIM BACK! What the F is wrong with me?!!? He answered and I said, can you call me on the way home? He said he wasn't sure what time he was leaving, but maybe. I said okay, I really want to talk to you. He said "babe, I am really busy, I can't talk." Then I hung up, I was upset. He called me babe and I was so happy but I know it's just habit and didn't mean anything to him.
I am upset, I am sick to my stomach and in the bathroom every 5 mins.
I went out to the mall before during my break and as soon as I got in my car, I called MM. Wasn't sure if he was working today but I took a chance. He answered. It was really noisy so I could tell he was working. I couldn't really hear him, and the phone was breaking up. He said he wasn't sure if he could get me because he was on a job and it was hard to hear. Then I talked and he kept saying hello, hello and it was breaking up, so I hung up. I waited a few mins and he didn't call so I went to the mall. Five mins later he called back, so I left the store I was in and went into the mall, found a corner to talk in. He said he couldn't talk, he was not supposed to be working but there was a problem with one of their jobs and he had to help out. I could hardly hear him it was really noisy. He asked if I was working tomorrow and he said he'd try to call me then. I asked how he was and he said good, how are things with you? The way he said it - it was so cold, like he was talking to some stranger, or just trying to be polite. I said fine. Then I asked him if he missed me. And he said my name, like he was annoyed. I said what, and he said, "listen, I can't talk... you know i miss you.. but I can't talk about this right now, I have to go." Then he hung up.
I was so upset I could barely walk out of the mall. I took deep breaths and tried not to have an anxiety attack. I made it through to the parking lot, luckily I didn't have far to walk. I got into my car and just started sobbing. I was practically hyperventilating. And then (here's the bad part)... I CALLED HIM BACK! What the F is wrong with me?!!? He answered and I said, can you call me on the way home? He said he wasn't sure what time he was leaving, but maybe. I said okay, I really want to talk to you. He said "babe, I am really busy, I can't talk." Then I hung up, I was upset. He called me babe and I was so happy but I know it's just habit and didn't mean anything to him.
I am upset, I am sick to my stomach and in the bathroom every 5 mins.
I am a wreck, help! Why did this happen - I was doing so well. What is it about this man that makes me act this way??!! Total NC is hard - this was more than a fling, this was real emotions, for a long, long time.
Those of you who have slipped like this, how did you recover? He's going to call tomorrow (or, maybe not) and I have no idea what that will do to me. Of course I am hoping he will admit he is miserable without me, and he's changed his mind, but we all know there's not much chance of that.
I feel like a loser today, seriously.

Pages
Good luck and stay strong
That fence picket up the backside hurts, better climb down now.
As I was reading through the responses saw yours and felt compelled to send you a message :)
For what it's worth from a complete stranger - I was taken with your posting. Despite what you may think, to me you sound like a very brave and admirable person with much to offer in terms of life experience with EMA.
And I did hear you when you said it is not easy for you to post. Yet to me, you expressed yourself well and lucidly, I could definately feel what you were conveying.
Kind regards karen
Sep & involved in EMA with MM for 12 months
Thanks so much for your kind words. I try to be brave every day. I wake up each morning and hope I have the strength to get through the day. It is very hard to live without the person who became a part of your everyday life for so long. I know for me this will take a long time and as much as I read here for encouragement sometimes it seems hopeless. So many things trigger my emotions and remind me of all that we shared. I know I will survive but I also know that I will always miss him.
You posted you are Sep, did you end your A?
<<>>
I totally agree! But it's not impossible. The best thing for you to do is find a way to fill up the hole that has been left in your life by the removal of the man and the A. Find other things to do and people to be with that are fulfilling and that remind you of the person you really are. Now is the time to rediscover the strong, sexy and smart woman you really are :-)
Best of luck to you!
free since 9-04
:)
Pages