Went to cuople T - mixed feelings
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| Fri, 03-18-2005 - 7:09am |
So H and I went to our first couples T. I am not sure how he is taking it. He is so hurt, but doesnt really talk about it, and I don't know what to say. But more he is confused and keeps saying he doesnt know what to say or how to react. His big question is, "I should be allowed to have friends outside the marriage. I should be allowed to talk to these friends about things that H and W dont talk about either because it's of no interest to one of the partners, or because the friend has an experience that is similar to one partner and it's good for them to share experiences - as in the case for me and OM, our history of depression and meds was the common link and H always said he could listen but never provide the empathy and was happy I made a friend who I can share that with....the problem which is the center of his confusion (and mine as well) is how to the closeness of this friendship lead to an EA. Why was I unable to be "just friends" and why does friendship for me lead to emotional connections that are dangerous for a marriage." I myself dont know this answer.
Even worse is that I have OM on my mind still. Not in a sexual way at all. Really just in "I miss a friend who I can talk to, who can help analyse what I am going through and also who knows what happened (because no one other than this board and my T know anything). Unlike a lot of xAP on this board (like Max for instance), my OM is completely respectful. Wont come near me unless I approach him. Wants what's best for me. (I mean he was the strong one who ended the A). My problem is that I fear talking to him will create a false sense of intimacy and put me further in a rut (you are all screaming right now, I know). But I don't know who to turn to. I know I have to figure it out in myself why this all happened, but I feel the only one who can share in that discussion is OM.
H and I are going on a 4 day mini vacation next week. It was planned before I told him everything. I suggested we cancel but he says that it could be a good time to reconnect.
I want more answers to my experience before I spend 4 days alone with H....is it terrible if I talk to OM today. (NC started Monday and was good all through yesterday when we had a work issue to deal with and spoke briefly about how we are doing.)

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...and you can't...so this is why people are sad when they end affairs....get it?
You can turn to a support board, you can turn to a therapist, you can turn to self help books, you can turn to your family if you have one, or friends that have ovaries if you got one or you can turn to a support group. Many options besides this one guy. You need to get honest with yourself, as many of us do, and realize its not JUST the emotional support for your problems that is the reason you seek him as your only option. It is the combination of who he is, his experience, and how he makes you FEEEL. Its an attraction to more than his body, his mind or his soul but rather all of it together in one package and circumstance.
You cannot have his support without getting the attracted feelings for him. You cannot turn back and have a do-over. This is NOT the one to have discussions with about your mutual problems because its interferring in a marriage you want to keep. Once you accept that , which..acceptance is part of the grieving process, you can move forward.
The real reason you want to contact OM is that there are always unanswered questions about how one really felt/feels etc. You are trying to see if this guy had real feelings for him and you are also wanting him to know that you did and you are also wanting to show him you need him and you are also wanting him to want to help you etc etc etc..WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE. Giving up something, that you've had and wanted, when you don't want to ..is hard. You are not experiencing anything different than most of us. With that said i wish i could hug you and take the confusion and pain and feelings away and tap you on the shoulder and make everything ok but its not going to happen. You have to grieve this and do so in a manner that doesn't further any damage in your marriage if that is what you want. You owe it to your husband if you love him. If you don't love him then you owe it to start getting honest with yourself first.
Do not expect your husband to be ok with you trying to figure out how to make this work and keep your AP in your life as a friend. Stop having close emotional friend relationships with people who have a penis and that you might find attractive. It helps the temptation. Its really that simple. Its simple but no one said it was EASY...big difference. You keep wanting to break NC. This is something only you can decide no matter what anyone here says. Your husband wants to reconnect with you instead of kicking you out...how lucky do you feel depends on how much you want this marriage.
tough words to wake you up ::hugs:
Lizzie
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Well said.
SS
Lizzie and SS -
You guys really hit it on the nail. Every word of your message is true. I want to start trusting and respecting myself. I actually printed out the "Woman in the Glass" poem and put it by my desk to remember that I have to beleive in me to make this all work. But it's hard as you said and I feel so vulnerable. I keep thinking "one more talk with OM and that is it", and you are right, I wish OM could give me answers on what happened. I feel that I could bring logic to the situation it might take the emotional pain away. But as you said, I will never learn the real reasons from his side. That just kills me. But I do wish I could figure out the reasons on my side. and through therapy I have learned a bit, but even my T says you may never really understand the impulses that lead you where they did and the goal is to prevent it from happening in the future. I wish I could go back in my brain from the first time we spoke and see where the turning point happened.
I want my marriage to work, but I really don't know how my Husband will ever understand my needs. I can't ask him to change. I don't even want him to change. He is who I married and committed my life to, I just want the emotional connection, the void filled by OM, to be with H.....ahhh. this is so hard. thanks for the support.
Spanishtrain-
I am right where you are. I had a convo with MM a couple weeks ago about how much I miss him and can't stop thinking of him even though I need to and how he makes it look so easy like nothing is bothering him. I felt the only one who could understand how I was feeling was the one who had been there with me. He said, "I never said it was going to be easy. What makes you think this is easy for me." So I understand your need to have these discussions. It's hard. We are in similar situations. I am married to a wonderful man, but somewhere I lost the connection. However, we went on vacation last week together and the time together really reminded me of all the good still left in this marriage. So I would suggest embark on the 4 days together. I dreaded going but am grateful I did. You will too.
I got married at 21. We have been together almost 8 years already. I am not the same person I was back then and neither is he. We have both grown. Growth and maturity doesn't happen at the same pace and time for everyone. And...we agreed that we have to accept that we are different people than we were 10 months ago and be patient with ourselves and our marriage. He doesn't know of my A and I hope he never will.
It's not easy letting go, but it must be done!
SS
We've been married for 2.5 years and got married also fairly young, at 24. How do you deal internally when you speak to your husband...does the pain speaking to him ever go away?
I am so nervous about going away this weekend. My H is the most wonderful man, but doesnt ever show emotion. He is very logical pragmatic thinker and wants to know WHY it happened. He agrees close friendships are healthy but doesnt understand how a married person could ever look at friendship and believe there is more to it. To him friends are people you socialize and hang out with and it doesn't make sense how there is a closeness deeper than that, that could ever exist. How do I explain that? He admits he is not a deep thinker and doesn't think he could ever be one.
I feel like I need a logical response to give him, but there is no logical response. OM and I were casual friends/colleagues, started hanging out, I was intrigued by him and felt he understood me well, and then feelings grew. I wish they hadnt, and I dont how they did, but they just DID. This is not something I ever sought out.
spanish:
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me too doll..this is a real problem for me...i feel like i choke on it sometimes. I have had to FORCE myself to realize that I wont get real closure...the real answers..because the calculations i added...didn't add up...and its FRUSTRATING as hell. Ive never dealt with that before. I am a big time talker...i lay it out etc. he was an excellent manipulator of my mind. Never has anyone done that to me. I wont get my answers and i picture him smiling cheekily..and that makes me sad. He may not even have wanted or thougth he hurt me the way I feel but i am LEFT TO ASSUME alot of things now. I sometimes wish someone would screw him over...he always lands on top...or so ...it seems..hmmm..now i wonder ..and that is what i hold onto...perception is everything to a thinker...and putting on the game face is everything to a manipulator. I will get over those feelings...i am trying to find normal now...(i have a date tomorrow as a matter of fact). I'll say it again..ive accepted that he wont remember me (i take the worse case scenario and go with it..because if i am going to be sad i might as well get reaaaaaaaaaal good and sad and move THROUGH it). I cannot fantasize that i was special anymore...because I never realllly will know. I will never have that answer.
::::::::::::::::Hugs to spanishtrain::::::::::::::; breathe, listen, think, forgive yourself...wash and repeat
Lizzie
everyone grows....the key might be thinking of it as growing together...fertilizing and tieing and watering each other..to grow in the UP direction
instead of growing apart in different crazy directions because no one bothered to stake, weed, water, etc.
you can still have different blooms...but they look better in a bunch than apart =)
try bunchin' your bloom with your husbands instead of a wandering vine...it may be a nice bouquet eh?
uh oh...analagy queen at work. LOL
Lizzie
I have followed your post but want to make sure I understand it all. Your husband knows of the emotional bond but not that you have had intercourse with OM?
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I did not have that gut-wrenching guilt like many on this board. If I did, it was manifested in ways I wasn't aware (I probably took it out on MM to be honest). That might
explain my very passive-aggressive behavior, on again- off again type attitude during the A. When my DH first returned home, all I wanted to do was sleep. My mind was off in neverland and I just managed. Don't know how it will be now that it's over for real. Don't know what the days will bring, don't know how I will deal.
But I want you to think something over for awhile.......what you think is missing in your marriage has nothing to do with what your husband can or cannot provide you. You have to understand your decision to go out the marriage was YOUR choice. It's easy to blame him, but the real person who needs changing is you. I take full responsibility for my decision to go outside my marriage. Everything hasn't been perfect in my marriage, but I was missing something personally that I sought refuge outside. This is not easy for me. It is absolutely one of the most difficult times in my life. But I own that choice I made and have to deal with the consequences now that it is said and done.
Just some words to think about.
I am here whenever you need to vent.
SS